Saynine

I Am A Predator.

I am a predator. Beware. I come not with a sneak attack, but with fangs bare. I come to seduce you then hurt you and fuck you. I come for your women, and in fact your men, and anyone else capable of consent. This is who I am and what I do.

Are you villagers lighting the torches yet?

This has been on my mind for a while but an issue brought up originally by @Tutivillus, and then beautifully expounded on by Remittancegirl, got me thinking deeper. And finally the comment section pushed me over the edge.

There are certainly unethical players in the world of kink, just as there are in the vanilla world. And this comes from both sides of the D/s or S/m isle as far as I am concerned.

This idea that every new submissive female that comes into the hunting ground of Dominant males is a helpless doe that must be protected by the herd from these beasts is fucking ridiculous. Most if not all are here to be found. Have we forgotten what kink is?

I am not talking about deception. I am talking about good old “You got what I want, you want to share”. What a disservice to these new folks to say that they are so week minded that they must be protected from their own desires. I have seen several times, Dominant males who approach submissives to start conversation and seek out shared attraction get labeled as “predators”. And frankly it angers me.

There is absolutely nothing unethical about approaching someone to simply flirt, or to make a direct approach regarding desire. We are adults. We all have the ability to say “Sorry I am not interested”. Anything after that is unethical and a separate issue entirely.

Equally appalling are the whispered warnings at kink events, especially munches. “Oh, watch out for him, he will try to get you to play right away”. Can you imagine hearing “Oh, watch out for that one, she known exactly what she wants, and she wants you to do it to her”?

I am going to only warn you once more. I am Kinky, I am Dominant, I do horrible things to tender prey like you. I am a Predator. And I am taking back that word.

Tags: BDSM, Consent, Dominant, Pansexual, Predator, Sex, submissive

Shiny Pretty Relationships

Driving home from a fun day in the city with my wife yesterday we had a fantastic conversation about polyamory, and our relationship. So often in our journey of poly and kink, these hour-plus trips home from San Francisco after a kink event have provided a great time to reconnect and talk. This time was no different and during this conversation some thoughts jelled for me that have been bouncing around in my head for a while regarding poly relationships.

Now I am aware that for some folks referencing “primary” and “secondary” relationships in polyamory creates a sort of subdivide that makes them uncomfortable, However for the purpose of this discussion I think this distinction is necessary. With my wife and myself, we have been together for over two decades. We have children and our relationship has endured trials that have put our commitment to the test. We are in a triad with someone who not only lives with us, but we love dearly.

For the purpose of this look at poly I am going to use my relationship with my wife as an example of a primary relationship, and secondary relationships are our semi-regular play partners and D/s relationships. But I think it would apply to any relationship that is comparatively newer, or separated by time and distance.

Among practitioners of polyamory and some kink, a term is used to describe the nature of the earliest portion of a relationship. This term is “New Relationship Energy” or NRE. Now more often than not I have heard this term used in a manner of derision, i.e. “Ugh, those two are like teenagers, but once that NRE fades it wont last”. Now I can be a hell of a cynic but even I find how common this sort of analysis occurs disturbing.

NRE is a real thing; it is that “I can’t wait to see you again” feeling of euphoria that is very common at the beginning of a relationship. This is the feeling that some folks seek so strongly that they never learn how to make a relationship of any kind last. I do not think that in itself makes NRE a bad thing. In fact I think it is something that can be celebrated. What is not OK is to allow this to overshadow your other relationships or cloud your judgment. I will confess that some of the biggest mistakes I have made in poly have been associated with letting myself get caught up in NRE.

But what has really been on my mind lately is the difference in the nature of who folks in secondary relationships see, compared to who our primary partners see.

We of course put our best face forward to those we are trying to woo, this is the very nature of humans. We constantly reinvent ourselves to the outside world. We show the parts of us we want to show, those parts that we believe will impress potential new partners. I don’t mean this is lying or deceit. It simply is what we do. What our new or secondary partners most often don’t see is us at our worst.

Our primary partners get to see us when we are sick, grumpy, depressed. They see us warts and all. And they love us. This in itself is beyond amazing, but they do. They also share many of the most difficult parts of our lives. If you have children with your partner then you have seen each other sleep deprived to the point of near insanity. You have had heated discussions about schools and discipline of your children. You have also possibly experienced financially difficulty at some point, and your primary partner was right there by your side. You’ve laughed with them, you’ve cried with them, and if you are me you have thrown up on them in a restaurant. Yet they still love us.

Now this is the part where I take an unexpected turn. And this is the conclusion my wife and reached on our drive home. All of these differences are a good thing. That is right! It neither detracts from the nature of primary relationships or secondary relationships. In fact this may be one of the fabulous things about polyamory. In the words of my wife “In some ways when I am with someone else, it is a vacation. I don’t have to be wife, or mother. I get to be fun and sexy in a completely different way.” Again, I want to reiterate, this is not deceitful, we are just able to shed some of the things that drag us down in the drudgery of life.

Of course as secondary relationships develop these lines become less and less defined. And it as this transition that as NRE fades and deeper bonds form that we can truly experiences the broader nature of a personal relationship. But don’t be in a hurry to discount the benefits of NRE and the benefits of separate relationships.

Tags: Date, New Relationship Energy, NRE, Poly, Polyamory, Primary, Relationship, Secondary, Sex

What Makes Me Hot II

A few months ago I wrote a post about my general distaste for erotica and BDSM fiction and at the same time pointed to a short pieced written by @Mollena that I love called What Makes Me Hot. Well I have often on twitter expressed my similar distaste for what I refer to as Tumblr Porn. Tumblr Porn is the oft re-blogged over-produced unrealistic images that are the staple of Tumblr. In my opinion Tumblr has become the Playboy magazine of the micro-blogging world. Images that are contrived and modified to the point of being unrealistic and they certainly do not turn me on, or inspire me as art.

And just when I was ready to write the medium off for good I found the exception. And in my not so humble opinion an

MyNudeSelf - Biter - 23 August 2010

astonishing exception. I am talking about My Nude Self. The personal daily photo blog of Dame Lebeau “aka” @SugarHipsLebeau.

MyNudeSelf - Accidental Vintage Glamour? - 22 August 2010

What makes Dame Lebeau’s blog so special? I thought you’d never ask. In the first place all of the content is original photography by Dame Lebeau herself, and she is her only model. And the photography is exquisite. The lighting, the angles, and the framing are perfect for every shot. Secondly the model is absolutely stunning in facial beauty and in body. Now this is something very unusual for me to say, because I truly do not have a body type., in sie or shape. However I am rapt with the presentation in these photos. And on a more personal note there are certain physical characteristics that fit a very specific kink of mine, but I happily digress.

The thing that has most drawn me to the self presentation of Dame Lebeau though

MyNudeSelf - Stagnation - 18 August 2010

is the fact that she is what can best be described as an alternate presentation of beauty. that is she is tattooed and otherwise not mainstream in her presentation. However and most importantly in my opinion her “Alternate” look is not presented as a fetish or a “peek at the other kind” as the very well known Suicide Girls so often presents. The artists also lets us in on her very best work, not a mass presentation of bulk “Spray and Pray” shots.

Finally the artist has a very unique approach to funding her project. She politely asks for help. How refreshing this is in an environment on the internet of recurring billing for worthy projects, a simple request is so refreshing. So if you enjoy this art as much as I do, please contribute. and tell her Big Poppa sent ya.

Tags: Art, Photography, Sex

I’m Here, I’m Queer???

I have lately given much thought to labels and how we choose and use them. I have for sometime used the label “Pansexual”. I use this to indicate that my sexual appetite is not limited by gender barriers. I am in fact sexually greedy and find I have desires and the will to have sexual contact with just about any gender configuration imaginable.  I intentionally avoid “Bi-Sexual” as the binary term irritates me and also seems to indicate a sort of switching back and forth. At least to me.

Lately there has been a word, no an idea that has been bouncing around my head. Queer! Wow, what a loaded word. A word I am drawn to but yet cannot decide if it fits.

I am not going to get into the etymology and origins of the word. I am only concerned with it’s current usage as a word of empowerment.

I am going to think aloud a bit and invite you as I so often have to take a front row seat to the bizarre thought process that is me.

My first question; Am I Worthy? On the one hand I am not only a greedy fucker, but I so completely support the politics that is the Queer movement, that I am almost certainly a part of it. But make no mistake. My current state of being is the result of a personal epiphany in my early twenties and a slow evolution since then. It is not easy to say this, but previous to the above stated revelation, I was a sexual bigot. I make no excuses but I was raised in an environment of Racial, Religious, and Sexual Hate. For reasons I have not yet discerned I was able to completely refuse to accept the first two, yet embraced the third. One theory is that it was a way to externalize a reaction to being sexualized by a male relative at a young age, but even that smells like an excuse, so I reject it. What is true is I accept responsibility for my attitudes and have spent the rest of my life trying to correct them.

Next question; How can I be Queer and look and act so appropriate for my gender? OK, maybe a bit of a silly question, but think about it. How many “Queer” Uber-Butch Cis-Males do you know? On the other hand, I have spent my entire life setting myself aside from the crowd appearance and action wise. In Xtian School I refused to sing hymns or kneel and pray. Not that either of these would have been hard to at least fake, but I made conscious choices to set myself apart in every way I could. In my teens I had both of my ears pierced in multiple locations. Now for this to have full impact you need to know that I am as old as dirt and this was before George Michael made this look at least remotely popular. And until my growing forehead made it just silly looking I had hair to my waist for decades.  And now long after such things are sensible, I have started wearing gauged earrings.  Of course none of these things makes me even remotely Queer, but do speak to a lifelong desire to set myself outside the crowd.

In the end the biggest question is one that I find the hardest to address; Do other Queers want me using their word, their empowerment, their symbol of struggle? This is an odd position to find myself in. Caring what others think, but I do. As someone who has married into the Native American community I am painfully familiar with how a people that are proud, yet steeped in struggle can have their culture and symbols of power appropriated by those who neither understand nor deserve these things. In using the title Queer would I be no better than a New-age Shamanist with a dreamcatcher hanging from my car mirror, telling folks that my great grandmother was a Cherokee Princess? This one Is the greatest hang-up.

In the balance I am quite aware that it does not matter what I call myself. But yet this is the itch on my brain these days.

Tags: Bi-Sexual, Gender, Journey, Pansexual, queer, Questions, Sex

Keep Your Ejaculate Out Of My Cocktail

I was recently looking at the website for a dungeon about 3000 miles awayfrom my home. The location is someplace I hope to travel to at some point. In looking through the various information I came a cross the FAQ. Listed were standard items like membership costs and dress code. Then I came across something that made my jaw drop.

What kinds of play don’t you allow?

No scat please. It’s messy.
No male ejaculation please. It’s messy.
No female ejaculation please. It’s messy.
No sex. It CAN be messy, but mostly it just treads a line that we’re not quite comfortable with.

Ok hold that phone. First, am I to understand that they object to sex and ejaculate for the same reasons the object to scat?

Reading this lead me to comment on twitter and of course lead to a much larger conversation. Sex in the Dungeon. I know it can be a legal issue in some states but barring that why would you exclude it?

I know that there are folks that would argue that BDSM can be gratifying without sex but I have long wondered if there is more going on there. I mean the concept of kinky implies sex, or at least sexual contact and gratification. That is not to say that I have not played a scene without genital contact. I have and will likely do it again. Not that the scene was not fun, but it frankly lacked certain satisfaction for me. By satisfaction I am not referring to my own orgasm, but completeness to the scene.

Personally I use sexual stimulation often as a balance to the pain I am inflicting. One of the people I was chatting with on Twitter asked; What if a submissive or bottom orgasms involuntarily from pain play? Would they be in violation of this dungeon’s rules?

Of course my perspective is from someone who discovered their kinky self through sex, so separating kink from sex is nearly impossible for me.

In the San Francisco Bay Area we have two major dungeons. One, in San Francisco I like to think of as our home dungeon, as it was the first dungeon we ever played publicly. If you ask the regulars and the operators of the dungeon, sex and sexual contact is welcome, although I would say that in the many times I have played there I have only see intercourse once and there was much talk about the participants in the following days. I have used sexual stimulation and orgasm many times in this dungeon but would unlikely ever feel comfortable enough to ejaculate.

There is another dungeon in the Bay Area which I have only played at once but enjoyed quite a bit. I am told it is affectionately referred to by folks that play there as “The place people go to fuck”. I did not have a chance but would say I would be quite comfortable having sex there.

The conversation on twitter moved to regular public play parties in Michigan and that sex is not allowed as well as genital or female nipple nudity. However alcohol is served at many of the public parties. It was also suggested that parties at which alcohol was not served did not survive due to low attendance.

I have to say that my reaction is stunned. I am a person who enjoys a drink, and sometimes more than one, but in my opinion alcohol and play do not mix. How can I trust that the bottom I am playing with can look after themselves if they have half a buzz? Inversely, how can a bottom trust that a top is in tune with all the subtleties of play required of them when they may not be able to legally operate a vehicle?

Both of these variations fascinate me but not enough that I would likely consider playing in either of these circumstances.

Tags: Alcohol, Cocktails, Dungeon, Ejaculate, Messy, Play, Scat, Sex