Saynine

Selfish

I am a selfish individual.

It is true. I am very good at providing an appearance of a very self-confident and strong person, but there is someone who has to see another side of me. Someone who is always there at my darkest hour and loves me in spite of my many failings. Someone who I have taken so much from, and gotten so good at taking from that I fail to even recognize how much I take.

This is not a post looking for condolence or congratulations, and will likely be the most rambling and possibly incoherent essay I have ever posted to these pages. It is a confession and self-realization that is spilling out of me as I think it. Of course even that is selfish by it’s nature.

I present to the world what I think will benefit me the most. That which I think will support my domly persona, and some sort of master of polyamory. Of course it is easy to pontificate about polyamory and compersion when things are working out exactly how you hope, when every scenario fits your expectations.

But how impressive is it to fold like a house of cards when things do not fit your expectations? How absolutely selfish is it to spill your darkest thoughts and insecurities on the one who has traveled the very hardest road with you, all in the name of open communication? I have infected the very happiness that I so boldly and publicly claimed to want for this amazing person with the creeping doubt, created with vile words that I can never take back. Is there any more selfish act than to take and take, to use to prop my own fragile ego, then when they find some exquisite joy, taint it with thoughts that should never be shared.

I have asked her to be proud of me when there is little to take pride in myself. To smile and tell the world how lucky she is when It is I who have always been the beneficiary of her patience.

The simple truth is sometimes we have a responsibility to put on a happy fucking face and support the one who has supported us. But takers like myself see only as far as our own needs. I know this sounds morose, but I have done much I am not proud of.

There is a part of me that wonders if even posting this is a continuation of a pattern. Am I seeking absolution and hoping that she will read this and tell me that it is ok, that my behavior is not as bad as I now see it to be? There is another part of me that hopes that maybe in her busy life she will not even read this. it will just slip by unnoticed.

The most important question I can ask now is how do I change my patterns. How can I be the partner and friend that she has always been to me? I don’t have all the answers but I do know that I pledge to myself to be someone who she can be proud of. Not a pride to be spoken to the world, but the kind of private pride that makes your heart swell. Someone with whom she can always look forward to sharing her fears and insecurities. I have made a private list of goals that no one including her will ever see. This is a list of ways that I can break old habits and be what I have so longed lead others to believe I am. To look at myself in the mirror and not see a selfish man staring back at me.

If you do find this. If you happen upon this. Know that I will always fall down, but it is for you that I will pick myself up. I love you.

Tags: Confidence, Introspection, Polyamory, Selfish

Reblog – Who Defines Your D/s?

The following is an excerpt from a fantastic new post from my submissive, @Winsome_Gypsy on who has a right to define the nature of your D/s (Dominant and submissive) relationship.

 

 

Recently I’ve seen people on multiple forums, including FetLife, Twitter, blogs, issuing proclamations regarding what qualifies a D/s relationship. How the D should manage the s. How the s should communicate with the D. Outright notices issued that if the s does not follow protocol 1, 2, and 3, they are not a true s. Declarations that a slave is better or more valuable than a submissive and that a switch is a joke.

To this, I have two things to say:

1. Get over yourself, and
2. Mind your own business.

My D/s relationship is defined solely by the D and the s directly involved in the relationship.

To read the rest of this great post on who has a right to define the nature of your D/s relationship click here.

Tags: BDSM, Dominant, Poly, Polyamory, submissive

Shiny Pretty Relationships

Driving home from a fun day in the city with my wife yesterday we had a fantastic conversation about polyamory, and our relationship. So often in our journey of poly and kink, these hour-plus trips home from San Francisco after a kink event have provided a great time to reconnect and talk. This time was no different and during this conversation some thoughts jelled for me that have been bouncing around in my head for a while regarding poly relationships.

Now I am aware that for some folks referencing “primary” and “secondary” relationships in polyamory creates a sort of subdivide that makes them uncomfortable, However for the purpose of this discussion I think this distinction is necessary. With my wife and myself, we have been together for over two decades. We have children and our relationship has endured trials that have put our commitment to the test. We are in a triad with someone who not only lives with us, but we love dearly.

For the purpose of this look at poly I am going to use my relationship with my wife as an example of a primary relationship, and secondary relationships are our semi-regular play partners and D/s relationships. But I think it would apply to any relationship that is comparatively newer, or separated by time and distance.

Among practitioners of polyamory and some kink, a term is used to describe the nature of the earliest portion of a relationship. This term is “New Relationship Energy” or NRE. Now more often than not I have heard this term used in a manner of derision, i.e. “Ugh, those two are like teenagers, but once that NRE fades it wont last”. Now I can be a hell of a cynic but even I find how common this sort of analysis occurs disturbing.

NRE is a real thing; it is that “I can’t wait to see you again” feeling of euphoria that is very common at the beginning of a relationship. This is the feeling that some folks seek so strongly that they never learn how to make a relationship of any kind last. I do not think that in itself makes NRE a bad thing. In fact I think it is something that can be celebrated. What is not OK is to allow this to overshadow your other relationships or cloud your judgment. I will confess that some of the biggest mistakes I have made in poly have been associated with letting myself get caught up in NRE.

But what has really been on my mind lately is the difference in the nature of who folks in secondary relationships see, compared to who our primary partners see.

We of course put our best face forward to those we are trying to woo, this is the very nature of humans. We constantly reinvent ourselves to the outside world. We show the parts of us we want to show, those parts that we believe will impress potential new partners. I don’t mean this is lying or deceit. It simply is what we do. What our new or secondary partners most often don’t see is us at our worst.

Our primary partners get to see us when we are sick, grumpy, depressed. They see us warts and all. And they love us. This in itself is beyond amazing, but they do. They also share many of the most difficult parts of our lives. If you have children with your partner then you have seen each other sleep deprived to the point of near insanity. You have had heated discussions about schools and discipline of your children. You have also possibly experienced financially difficulty at some point, and your primary partner was right there by your side. You’ve laughed with them, you’ve cried with them, and if you are me you have thrown up on them in a restaurant. Yet they still love us.

Now this is the part where I take an unexpected turn. And this is the conclusion my wife and reached on our drive home. All of these differences are a good thing. That is right! It neither detracts from the nature of primary relationships or secondary relationships. In fact this may be one of the fabulous things about polyamory. In the words of my wife “In some ways when I am with someone else, it is a vacation. I don’t have to be wife, or mother. I get to be fun and sexy in a completely different way.” Again, I want to reiterate, this is not deceitful, we are just able to shed some of the things that drag us down in the drudgery of life.

Of course as secondary relationships develop these lines become less and less defined. And it as this transition that as NRE fades and deeper bonds form that we can truly experiences the broader nature of a personal relationship. But don’t be in a hurry to discount the benefits of NRE and the benefits of separate relationships.

 

 

Tags: Date, New Relationship Energy, NRE, Poly, Polyamory, Primary, Relationship, Secondary, Sex

The One About the Breakup.

This is the blog post I didn’t want to write. I knew it needed to be written but there were so many reasons to not write it. You see, it is about a breakup, and as in most breakups there is more than one person involved, but unlike many there is also more than two. I cannot speak for the other parties I can only speak for how I was impacted and how I observed it impact someone I love dearly.

Early last year Jewelgen and I were sailing along in our journey of discovery of both Kink and Polyamory. We had a beautiful relationship developing with Ice Empress and had been enjoying playing together and separately with other partners. We had for sometime considered ourselves San Francisco kinksters even though we live 50 miles away. Most of the fun we could find was in SF, we had found a great munch there and we had never been able to connect with local folks.

Then we finally pushed ourselves to go to a local munch and immediately made connections. Some friends, some play partners. However there was one person in particular who stood out. She was a very shy submissive woman who identified as a single slave. I will call her Aliah but this is not her name. She was well known in the local community and had been involved in the kink world for many years.

Aliah first approached us about carpooling to a class in SF and a friendship between the three of us quickly developed. After a few months of the friendship blossoming, Aliah approached us with a very interesting proposal. She wanted us to consider allowing her to be “In Service” to us. WE asked her to explain what this would mean. She defined this as Slavery but in a format that would fit our busy lives and would not have the level of commitment on our part as collaring her as a slave. The idea appealed to us on several levels. First we are primarily parents and do not integrate our kinky or poly life into our children’s life, so a 24/7 situation was not possible.  Second even though we did not have a kinky or sexual attraction to her, her primary kink was service and the services she suggested were things that appealed to us.

We did have some concerns however. Aliah had mentioned on several occasions that she did not see her self as “poly” and her hope was to some day meet a Master who was Monogamous as well. We made it clear to her that not only were we very poly, and had no intention of changing that, but there was someone in our life that would come above anyone else, Ice Empress. I was also involved in a secondary relationship at the time. We explained clearly that if either of these things were unbearable at that point or in the future that she was free to walk away. She agreed.

Things started very well and her attentions were amazing. Aliah would chauffer us to munches and kinky events and look after our every need. She introduced us to friends who had long histories of leadership in the kink community and we became even closer. We shared trials and triumphs like you do with someone you care about and with whom you share a relationship. Troubles cropped up and we were very proud of how our communication skills lead to apparent resolutions. Unfortunately more often than not the problems centered on insecurities and jealousy, however we forged on.

In the meantime we became even closer to some of Aliah friends and one in particular with whom Aliah had a murky past, but with who she was “only friends”, grew close to Jewelgen. “Calvin” cared for Aliah deeply as a brother would but it was clear he had a very serious interest in Jewelgen and a great friendship was developing as well as a potential for some very hot play.

As the summer wore on we had several talks with Aliah regarding her behavior and jealousy and each time it seamed progress was made. It concerned me when I ended my secondary relationship and she seemed overjoyed but I let it go.

But as Fall approached two events occured that appeared to be Catalyst for bad behavior. Ice Empress came to visit us and our relationship with her gelled, and plans for Ice Empress moving here became solidified. This occurred during the Folsom Street fair which is an event that I for one look forward to all year. Aliah’s behavior at Folsom was intolerable and when we returned home and had our sad farewells with Ice Empress we let Aliah know. The second event was the consummation of the developing play relationship with Jewelgen and Calvin, which was also clearly a very good friendship in the making. The three of us – Jewelgen, Myself, and Calvin – had all spoken at length to Aliah about this and she had wholeheartedly encouraged it, at least in words and appearance. However her reaction after the day they first played made it clear that she was not “OK” with the situation.

Jewelgen and I started to realize that this situation with Aliah was most likely doomed but we wanted to give her another chance when suddenly Jewelgen and I were struck with a horrendous personal tragedy. We let Aliah know that we would be unavailable for some time and did not know when that would change but that we greatly appreciated her support. We stayed in semi-regular contact with her but had sequestered ourselves in our home. After several weeks when the situation had mostly resolved we contacted Aliah about spending some time together but the reception we received was cold. Jewelgen and I spoke and we knew that time had come to end our service relationship with Aliah. We asked her to meet us at a neutral location and it was obvious that she not only knew why we were meeting but that she desired an end as well.

After some conversation it was decided that we were friends to begin with and that an end had been called at a good time so it would be wonderful if we could still be friends.

We may have been naive but we truly hoped that we could continue to be friends with Aliah and move forward. A few weeks later we attended a play party hosted by f a friend of Aliah. We had received our invitation some time earlier and we had no reason to think we were not still welcome. We soon discovered otherwise. Our reception at the party was mostly very cold. It even appeared that Calvin was giving us the cold shoulder but we chalked it up to other things he was involved in that night.

The truth became evident quickly though. Invitations we had been promised to several play parties never materialized and Calvin snubbed not just me but quite hurtfully Jewelgen. That is not to say that al the local folks were rude, in fact we received much encouragement and support from many local folks, but the degree of snubbing from people we had come to regard as friends was shocking. The poor treatment of me caught me by surprise but the treatment of Jewelgen caught me with anger, the sort of white hot anger that few people have witnessed in me and escaped unscathed. However Jewelgen appealed to me to let it go, and I respected her wishes. I was angry at Aliah for what was clearly a campaign to malign us, but even more so I was angry at both Aliah and Calvin for hurting the one person in the world that meant the most to me, Jewelgen.

I have avoided writing this post for quite some time. I did not want to smear anyone and it seemed better to just sit on it. But it has grown like a boil and festered to the point that it has blocked my ability to write about anything else.

It is still not my intention to create animosity towards Aliah but to highlight something that we simply had not considered.  You see if this was simply a Vanilla relationship ending we could change things in our life so we could simply avoid the other party. However the Kink community is small and it is not possible to stay active while avoiding someone you shared something with. This did not occur to us at the beginning but I assure you we are well aware of now.

Spring has come and Jewelgen and I are emerging from our shell. We are making plans to become more active again and we revel in the excitement of Ice Empress’ arrival later in the year. We have learned some valuable lessons and I hope they have not jaded us too unnecessarily, but I can assure that we will look long and hard before inviting anyone besides the three of us to enter so closely into our lives again.

Tags: Breakup, Compersion, Jealousy, Journey, Monogamy, Polyamory, Service, Slave

What About the Children

The countdown has begun. August is when @Ice_Empress is slated to make the move across the country to be with us. She will leave her home, job and family behind to start a life living near @Jewelgen and me. We could not bemore excited. We have all known for a long time that we have a future together, however it is very complicated to not only combine our lives to an extent , but for one person to uproot and start life again so far from home. Not the least of these complications is children.

Our situations with our children are very different yet they are a huge part of all of our lives. @Ice_Empress’ children are reaching adulthood and leaving home. She has been out to them and open with them about her lifestyle and joining us. They have been supportive, but she can’t help but wonder if their support is all about seeing Mom happy and not considering how it will affect them. But that is certainly the nature of good mothers. To always wonder if their children will be OK.

@Jewelgen and I, on the other hand have an entirely different situation. While my oldest daughter is grown and lives on her own, our two younger children are teens and live at home. None of our kids know about our lifestyle whether it be kinky or poly. This has prompted much discussion between the two of us. How much to tell each of them and when.

Each of our Kids are individuals and each will require different handling, They know our friend is moving out from Florida and that we are close to her but that is the extent of it. I would prefer to come out to our daughters and explain about @Ice_empress. My oldest and I have gone through a lot together a long time ago and we have a special bond. She would not want many details but would understand, I believe. Our youngest daughter is 14, she is a free thinker and came out to us about her bi-sexuality over a year ago. I believe she will understand the most and will be accepting of us and our lover. The wildcard is our son, he is 16 and most likely will want a “don’t ask don’t tell” sort of arrangement. It is my thinking that preparing them for her arrival is the best way. I think no matter how careful we are, they are perceptive and will realize something is afoot.

@Jewelgen has a different idea and I have decided to defer this decision to her. She is their mother and rarely has wrong instincts about her children. It is her thought to let our kids get to know @Ice_Empress without the extra baggage of our relationship then once they know and love her as we know they will, introduce the full picture to them. Her thinking is that they may put up a wall to her in the mistaken belief that she is a threat to our relationship.

The simple fact is none of us do anything in a vacuum. Everything we do affects those around us. When we decided to alter the path of our relationship we never thought we would meet someone who would join us on our journey. Yet here we are nearly a year after a meeting with a wonderful woman that happened because of some flirting and the persistence of a certain Dom, deciding how our decisions will affect our children.

Tags: Children, Compersion, Family, Journey, Poly, Polyamory