Posts tagged Limits

If ever there has been a dichotomy of a term; Rape in BDSM is a shining example. The very basic principle that we hold so dear in BDSM play, “Nothing without consent” seems to stand in stark contrast to a very common form of play, “Rape Play”.

Originally when this post started to form in my head almost two weeks ago I had no intention to mention rape play. In fact I had fully intended to avoid the subject entirely. This was to be a conversation about negotiation and consent, and players who exceeded limits of their partners. That changed however when I was having a conversation with a kink interested vanilla friend this weekend. After a little lubrication from alcohol he mentioned that he wished he could find someone to trust enough to share his sexual fantasies. After some questioning he gave some detail about what he was interested in and I responded that what he was talking about was rape play. His shocked look obviously required that I explain in detail the concepts of negotiation and “consensual non-consent”.

Of course I explained with some arrogance how BDSM practitioners negotiated hard limits and used things such as safe words and safe calls so that fantasies like rape could be played out safely between consenting partners. But in the back of my mind was the shadow of the stories that had been related to me recently about limits overrun in play and the frequency of which it occurs.

There seems to be few limits ripe for negotiation and consideration quite as clear as anal penetration. For both Tops and bottoms there seems to rarely be grey area on this subject. There is a tendency to either love it or hate it, and there are many different reasons for this on both sides, ranging from anatomy to personal trauma or upbringing. But it seems that rarely is anyone ambivalent about anal sex. However like any physical interaction between humans the default must go to the person who wishes the least contact. This is why we negotiate. Since someone who is very close to me has anal penetration as likely her hardest limit I am quite familiar with how this negotiation is handled. “I Don’t Do Anal. Do not even think of going there” is the most common verbiage.

Yet within two weeks I had two stories of violation of this limit related to me by the victims and many more related to me as second hand accounts. I have received permission to identify this first victim but I have decided that I will not.

My desire to go places that I have not been before was a much more powerful force than the good sense portion of my brain.

I met him on-line, a very innocuous, non-dating, non-sexual site.  We talked for two days – only two days and the attraction was mutual.  He told me things I wanted to hear.  Things that my very inexperienced self thought were the right things.  I wanted him to be the Dom that I had been looking for.  Wanted it so badly that I stopped thinking.

There was zero negotiation other then telling him that I would not allow myself to be bound and anal was off limits.  Despite me saying and telling him a safe word, I failed to make sure he understood, accepted and would honor it.  I also failed to make sure there was a safe call to a trusted person in place and he never asked or insisted upon either.  Which should have been a screaming red flag for me.

The more I watched and listened to his actions, I realized he had no clue what it meant to be a top or a Dom but by then the clothes were off and I felt it was too late.  I knew there was something terribly wrong even before I said ‘no’ but when I repeatedly said/screamed ‘no’ and used the safe word that I had suggested, I knew that I was in trouble and there was going to be no turning back. He did not stop and I was powerless to make him.

When he was finished, there was no doubt in my mind that I had been raped but I expect there was tremendous doubt in his.  There was no conversation; I did not leave the bed, I did not see him out.  I just asked him to leave and I never spoke to him again.

The second victim – who is very young and was new to play at the time – told me that person she was with was a very experienced Dom and she trusted him completely. The subject of anal sex had come up before and she told him that she had never tried but would consider it at a later time when she was more comfortable. After some play and while her hands and feet were bound to a headboard above  her he began with vaginal intercourse, when it became apparent he was near orgasm he abruptly and without warning entered her anally, ejaculated, and withdrew. His explanation was it suddenly occurred to him that they were not protected against pregnancy. He unbound her and then left her alone while he cleaned up and then left.

These are examples that are very clear, this is rape. Quite frankly if you disagree you and I have little to talk about. However when does a violated limit become rape? Is it rape if someone expresses a limit against ejaculating on their face and it is violated? If someone is bound and pissed on after negotiating no watersports?  Being called a filthy cunt when Humiliation has been excluded? When is an exceeded limit rape? My arrogance tells me always, however I wonder if I have, or could ever unintentionally dip a toe over a foul line. Am I then guilty of moral or criminal violation? I simply do not know.

When I was seeking input on this subject I consulted with @jewelgen. I asked, If you were penetrated anally by a partner during a scene while bound (this or a gun are the only ways this particular limit could EVER be violated) how would you react? Her response was that eventually she would have to be unbound and then there would be hell to pay, I know there would. However my second question was not so quickly answered. “Would you report it”? She said that she would, but I pressed her further. “Knowing what we know about how police and District Attorneys handle rape cases, would you expose yourself to that and try to explain the line when extreme sexual play and bondage crossed from consensual to rape”? She thought some more and as I expected said she would. An even bigger question emerges though when you mix the desire to protect the practice of BDSM and the community from the scrutiny of the legal and vanilla world.

In a conversation about this with someone who is a BDSM educator I was at first surprised with their anger at non-reporting  victims of BDSM related rapes, especially in the name of protecting the community. But her point rings very true. It is this silence that perpetrators feed on. I personally am torn and cannot say what is right for anyone.

The first victim I mentioned had this to say on the subject of reporting;

I never felt as though I wanted or needed to press charges.  While I did absolutely feel violated and wronged, I also felt I had some culpability.  Not guilt, but some responsibility.  I knew that my lack of experience, my severe lack of judgment and the powerful force that is desire, impacted my decision making and most definitely influenced the way the evening went.

I do NOT recommend, would never suggest or even condone the same actions I took in the days after.  As a matter of fact, if in a place of giving advice to someone this happened to, I would almost insist on them calling the police.  So please do not take my tale as the “right” way to do things.  It was my way, it worked for me and ultimately, I do believe that I learned more from the experience then what I was harmed.

I wonder everyday if I did the right thing by not reporting, if he knew what he was doing, if he knowingly took advantage of me, or if he was also as inexperienced as I was.  The wonder provides me measures of caution that help with my current decision making which I clearly lacked before.  Although not certain that without this happening to me I would have remained so unguarded, this certainly accelerated much needed vigilant behavior.  For that, I am thankful.

Like so many subjects that I discuss, I am not quite so egotistical as to suggest I have answers to these dilemmas. I ask you the readers and the community for your input and discussion.

I do know this. Consent and negotiation are what provide the safety net to explore our deepest fantasies, without them we would be relegated to missionary sex only for the purpose of procreation.