Saynine

Why Do You Want To Hurt Me

A common question I am asked is “What do you get out of sadism?” or “Why do you enjoy causing pain, humiliation, degradation, domination, etc.?”. I’m not sure there are any easy answers to these questions, but I am so very interested in exploring it. I don’t necessarily believe that humiliation or domination is the same kink as sadism, but for me they are very much intertwined. So for the purpose of this discussion I am going to speak to all of my kinks that are related to physical and mental sadism.

A first clue lies in the fact that I get similar enjoyment from mental anguish experienced by a consenting partner as I do from physical suffering. The suffering that shadows the eyes of someone licking cum off the floor triggers an excitement in me rivaled by the thrill of feeling the primal resistance of a body fighting against the pain of my teeth sinking deep into their flesh, or the twitch of a body receiving painful cane strokes. it is the suffering of the mind that brings my blood to boil. Suffering of the flesh is just the match to gasoline of the torturing of the mind, and this I believe is the reason I can take my pleasure at a distance. That is right, I can engage in and celebrate that darkest of kinks, “Long Distance Play”. I also have found that I can to a great degree receive satisfaction from watching someone else or even in some instances just knowing about someone else torturing another. But I suspect I am not alone in this.

Curious is the fact that I see to feel no distinction in the torturing of those who accept it as a type of service play, or a true masochist or pain-slut. It may be because in my experience even those that take great pleasure from the pain, or humiliation or even simple submission must process the thoughts or sensations that are naturally rejected by the human body and brain, and reprocess these into pleasure, even if it is quite subconsciously. Even the masochist can be heard to say ouch.

I am well aware that there are plenty of folks that will take umbrage with me uniting dominance and sadism for the purpose of this discussion, and I cannot argue that for others dominance can exist as a fulfilling kink on its own outside any sort of sadistic pleasure. However, for me, they are intertwined. This also addresses a common misconception about me and possibly other sadists that can take their play to edgy extremes. It is a question of how I/we can take equal pleasure playing with a newbie or very light player. Simply, the pleasure is in the suffering. for some folks even a light spanking can be very difficult to bare. That difficulty is what inflames me.

I truly do not know if I can answer the question of why? Why do I love to see you cry, to beg? Why do I want you to suffer? But make no mistake I do. And one of the greatest revelations of my life is that there are folks that want to suffer for me. Folks that want to look up at me pleading while my hand over their mouth and nose deny them breathe.

So I turn the question. Why do you want to hurt for me?

Tags: BDSM, dominance, Impact, pain, Play, suffering

Informed Consent

Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to the idea of “Informed Consent” and the role it plays in BDSM play and negotiation.

I think a majority of BDSM players, at least those who participate in any heavy physical play at all, have come to realize that the idea of the acronym SSC “Safe, Sane and Consensual” was a good term to create spin against a growing fear of SM that was growing in the 80′s. However, to classify much of what we do as “safe” or “sane” is counterproductive to informed negotiation.

More recently the acronym RACK or Risk Aware Consensual Kink has come to better describe the concept behind ethical BDSM play. And this is the jumping off point for what I want to discuss.

If you follow me on twitter, or some of my play partners you may be aware that I sometimes engage in very heavy impact play, and other “edge play” that can result in very obvious marking of the sub or bottom. As empathetic humans our brains often trigger a response of sympathy towards the “victim” of such play, and anger or disgust at the perpetrator of such “abuse”. What is not often clear is the extensive exchange of information and consent involved in the prior negotiation of such play.

As a Dom/Top negotiating such play, the very first thing I try to determine in the motivation of a partner interested in participating in such play. Is there a deep desire to experience a physical play outside the comfort zone based on a kink? Or is the motivation to prove something to themselves or others. The latter is a warning sign for me.

Secondarily the type of play and risks associated with it are discussed in-depth. I do my best to assure the other person that while I am experienced and use best practices, there is always risk of injury beyond what was intended, and such injuries can result in a need for medical intervention and possibly extended recovery time. I find it interesting that some folks find such a discussion shocking yet are not at all surprised when a friend or co-worker is injured and misses work due to sports or recreational injuries.

Recently I began playing on a semi-regular basis with someone who was very eager to explore their limits of mental and physical edge play. Before our initial play date I discussed in depth the possible types of play we may engage in, including such things as spanking, paddling, caning, and slapping. We discussed possible risks and I suggested we play on a Friday so that they would have a weekend to recover before work on Monday.

At the end of a moderately heavy play session my new playmate expressed what a good time she had but that she regretted that we has not played harder, and after a few days when the bruises faded she was sad to see them go. I explained that for a first time of play this feeling of wanting more was perfect, but if by the next time we prepared to play she felt she wanted to take things further, we would negotiate for it.

Within a month we were in fact negotiating much heavier physical and psychological play. She confirmed that she wanted to take the level of play much further. Again I watched for signs that this request was based on anything other than a kinky desire to explore limits. As the scheduled time was established I suggested that a weekend would not be enough recovery time and that she should consider taking several days off, which she did. I also asked several times on several days if she understood that the sort of play I had in mind -heavy impact play, including paddles, canes, fists, and well as choking, and intense humiliation and other psychological play- could result in injuries that could result in a need for medical intervention. I made it clear that this was not my intent and I would endeavor to prevent this, but that I did need verbal confirmation that she understood. And she did.

The planned date came and play proceeded as I intended. It was intense, and exciting, but also fun and fulfilling for both parties. There was bruising, welts, and even a bit of localized bleeding. There were no injuries that required more than a bit of cleanup and some aftercare. Both were provided.

In a gesture of celebration of the play we both made some photos of the resulting damage available through several social media outlets, that day and the following.

There were of course the expected exclamations of shock, and some of envy. A wide range of response is expected when pictures like this are presented to an audience of mixed experience, and we appreciated all the comments.

What happened in the ensuing days is what is very interesting. A vanilla-ish friend of my play partner discovered the photos and was shocked and unhappy about them. This was an unfortunate outcome. However what I find intriguing are the “Kink Friendly” folks that in the following days expressed privately and semi-publicly to my playmate that they were concerned for her welfare and safety. And this is not the first time I have experienced this. I truly question the motivation of these folks, but more important I think is the point that other folks are not party to the negotiation between play partners and should not presume to know anything about what was involved in the consent to such play.

I think such inquiries serve to undermine the confidence that a bottom has in their decision to trust a Dom/Top even after the fact.

In truth “Informed Consent” is formed between play partners and is the basis of ethical BDSM play. I feel fortunate to live in a State where one person can consent to trust their safety to the skill and instincts of a partner or partners.

Tags: Consent, Impact

Much Ado About Punching

I was recently asked about punching in play on an anonymous question forum. I believe the question was prompted by some recent mentions of a play date that involved some fist pounding.

The question was this; “For your impact play (as in punching) what medical training have you gone through to perform it safely?”

I think this is an interesting question and due to the nature of the forum I cannot tell if it was posited as a legitimate query of interest or a bit of a snarky jab. But either way I have expanded on my answer here;

The simple answer is NONE! and quite frankly I don’t believe there is any amount of “Training” that can make punching or many other forms of edge play safe. At the same time as someone who spent a substantial part of his first quarter century punching and being punched I wonder if I don’t know more about it than most medical professionals. I have had my nose broken, lower teeth pushed through my lip and I have pissed blood for a week more than one time. I have delivered blows that made men feel like they were in a car wreck. I lived through all of them and learned much from them.

When I truly punch someone it is to either protect myself or punish the recipient, my target exist somewhere behind the body mass I am punching and as my arm is extended it is beginning the reflexive withdraw for the next blow. Would I do this in a scene? Never! Could this be done with any medical safety? Unlikely,and I hope not. This is my weapon and it has served me well. Not to mention that the most likely first target is somewhere on the cranium of my intended recipient.

I started pondering this question when I first had a bottom mention to me that she liked to be punched. I wondered first of all what did she mean by “Punched” and quickly found that what she thought of as punching was far lighter than what I would consider a punch. The play she described and had experienced as well as what I find that many people refer to as punching in a scene I would consider a percussive pounding using my fist. The force of these blows I would say are less than my punch by a magnitude of 5 or more.

Does this pounding carry some medical danger. I would say yes as would any play that can impact or bruise the skin or muscle tissue.

This brings us to the question of SSK (Safe, Sane, Consensual) vs. Rack (Risk Accepted Consensual Kink). In my not so humble opinion Safe is a ludicrous word to use in what we do. If it was safe it would hold little interest for many. Do I do my very best to understand and control the risk associated with what I do, and do I carefully inform my partners as to what I perceive the risk to be and what I will do to mitigate it? Absolutely.

When asked at a recent play party by someone I had agreed to play with if I would include some punching, I clarified that she was referring to the percussive impact using my fists. I find that it is very often the back side of a clenched fist adjacent to the pinky that is very effective. This is commonly referred to as a hammer fist. An advantage of this area is it is mostly muscle tissue without the bony impact of the front of the fist. I also am fond of reaching around the person and using the top of my clenched fist near my thumb. I find that this incorporates the control and dominant positioning associated with “Take Down” as well as a limited impact pounding.

Recently I was asked by a bottom to consider punching her in the stomach hard enough to lift her off off her feet and knock the wind out of her. Am I considering? Yes as a matter of fact I am.

Tags: Impact, Punching, RACK, SSK, Training