Saynine

Shiny Pretty Relationships

Driving home from a fun day in the city with my wife yesterday we had a fantastic conversation about polyamory, and our relationship. So often in our journey of poly and kink, these hour-plus trips home from San Francisco after a kink event have provided a great time to reconnect and talk. This time was no different and during this conversation some thoughts jelled for me that have been bouncing around in my head for a while regarding poly relationships.

Now I am aware that for some folks referencing “primary” and “secondary” relationships in polyamory creates a sort of subdivide that makes them uncomfortable, However for the purpose of this discussion I think this distinction is necessary. With my wife and myself, we have been together for over two decades. We have children and our relationship has endured trials that have put our commitment to the test. We are in a triad with someone who not only lives with us, but we love dearly.

For the purpose of this look at poly I am going to use my relationship with my wife as an example of a primary relationship, and secondary relationships are our semi-regular play partners and D/s relationships. But I think it would apply to any relationship that is comparatively newer, or separated by time and distance.

Among practitioners of polyamory and some kink, a term is used to describe the nature of the earliest portion of a relationship. This term is “New Relationship Energy” or NRE. Now more often than not I have heard this term used in a manner of derision, i.e. “Ugh, those two are like teenagers, but once that NRE fades it wont last”. Now I can be a hell of a cynic but even I find how common this sort of analysis occurs disturbing.

NRE is a real thing; it is that “I can’t wait to see you again” feeling of euphoria that is very common at the beginning of a relationship. This is the feeling that some folks seek so strongly that they never learn how to make a relationship of any kind last. I do not think that in itself makes NRE a bad thing. In fact I think it is something that can be celebrated. What is not OK is to allow this to overshadow your other relationships or cloud your judgment. I will confess that some of the biggest mistakes I have made in poly have been associated with letting myself get caught up in NRE.

But what has really been on my mind lately is the difference in the nature of who folks in secondary relationships see, compared to who our primary partners see.

We of course put our best face forward to those we are trying to woo, this is the very nature of humans. We constantly reinvent ourselves to the outside world. We show the parts of us we want to show, those parts that we believe will impress potential new partners. I don’t mean this is lying or deceit. It simply is what we do. What our new or secondary partners most often don’t see is us at our worst.

Our primary partners get to see us when we are sick, grumpy, depressed. They see us warts and all. And they love us. This in itself is beyond amazing, but they do. They also share many of the most difficult parts of our lives. If you have children with your partner then you have seen each other sleep deprived to the point of near insanity. You have had heated discussions about schools and discipline of your children. You have also possibly experienced financially difficulty at some point, and your primary partner was right there by your side. You’ve laughed with them, you’ve cried with them, and if you are me you have thrown up on them in a restaurant. Yet they still love us.

Now this is the part where I take an unexpected turn. And this is the conclusion my wife and reached on our drive home. All of these differences are a good thing. That is right! It neither detracts from the nature of primary relationships or secondary relationships. In fact this may be one of the fabulous things about polyamory. In the words of my wife “In some ways when I am with someone else, it is a vacation. I don’t have to be wife, or mother. I get to be fun and sexy in a completely different way.” Again, I want to reiterate, this is not deceitful, we are just able to shed some of the things that drag us down in the drudgery of life.

Of course as secondary relationships develop these lines become less and less defined. And it as this transition that as NRE fades and deeper bonds form that we can truly experiences the broader nature of a personal relationship. But don’t be in a hurry to discount the benefits of NRE and the benefits of separate relationships.

 

 

Tags: Date, New Relationship Energy, NRE, Poly, Polyamory, Primary, Relationship, Secondary, Sex

Safe Call

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who is a submissive woman regarding playdate safety. More specifically personal safety when meeting a play partner for the first time.

The conversation started like this;

Friend: I am meeting “X Dominant” to play for the first time. “X” lives several hours away and I am driving to meet him.

Me: Do you have a safecall in place?

Friend: No, I feel like that is rude

*Cue sound of screeching brakes and breaking glass*

Me: WTF???

This is of course a paraphrasing of the conversation but for purposes of discussion relatively accurate. It is also something I feel very strongly about. I am a firm believer in safecalls. I just don’t believe that just because someone says all the right “Lifestyle” things that they are not potentially an abusive or even murderous asshole. I also don’t believe that several days, weeks, or months of conversation will reveal these tendencies in a prospective play partner.

When Jewelgen plays with a new partner we have a multiple call system in place. If she is traveling to play she calls me when she arrives at the destination and then at regular intervals she calls or texts. We use every two hours. She makes this known to the person she is meeting. We also have code words that will seem very natural in conversation but would indicate to me that there is a problem and she is under duress. Making the need for the call(s) immediately known to the partner makes the use of code words possible.

But a part of the conversation with my friend that I think is key is the part where she says that she thinks using one is rude. I feel exactly the opposite. Jewelgen and I both feel that if mentioning that you are using a safecall raises any concern or offends a potential play partner there is only one solution, RUN!! But seriously this is a good sign that the person potentially has bad intent.

I want to add one other perspective. I think a potential sub indicating to me that they intend to use a safe call tells me that this is a person who puts much thought to their safety which in my book means they value themselves, which in turn makes me want to value them that much more.

Now before you ask “Do you use a safecall?” The answer is Yes and No. It is unlikely that anyone I would play with would ever be able to overpower me with anything short of a firearm, and at that point even a safecall is not going to save me. However, as part of the general respect I try to show for Jewelgen, I would not go an extended amount of time without contacting her.

The downside is that like any safety procedure overly depending on a safecall and not keeping your wits about you to some degree can be dangerous in itself.

Dating a new person can be dangerous, whether it Vanilla or Kinky dating. Look out for yourself.

Tags: BDSM, Date, SafeCall, Safety