Saynine

Sub-Space, Wish You Were Here

I recently put out to the twitter world that I was looking for questions. I have decided to write and post more often and I am often asked questions in Private Messages, so this seemed to be a perfect opportunity to generate inspiration. So I asked, and not 30 seconds later there it was staring at me.

Can you define “subspace” in your blog? I have an idea what it is but have never experienced it.

Ugh, no seriously. There is almost no way to answer this question that will not almost certainly piss someone off, or generate a storm of criticism. So right off the bat I am going to address why I have no business answering this question, and then in very typical style for me, do it anyways.

I am neither a sub, nor a switch, nor even a bottom, thus I cannot possibly form an informed position or opinion on what sub-space (or as some folks insist “bottom-space”) is. I learned this lesson when my ass was handed to me because I made the mistake of commenting on the fact that vibrators may affect female orgasm over time. The League of Sex Blogging Authority told me in very certain terms, that since I was lacking a clitoris, I had no business discussing this subject at all. . . . .  No I lied; I learned no lesson at all.

The second problem is that it is nearly impossible to find two people who agree on what sub-space is, or how it is achieved. So as in the previously mentioned controversy I intend to use information I have gathered from my direct observation, anecdotal information, and the direct assistance from some friends who are more qualified to comment as they have in fact achieved this mysterious state of being.

The “sub-space” vs. “bottom-space” question apparently revolves around the question of whether a person can achieve this state only through physical pain, which generates mind-altering chemicals, or if actions of submission can generate the same response. Of course this is only conjecture. It would seem that our brain would create these altered states as a form of protection, to blunt the impact of difficult circumstance. Now as I discussed in a previous post, I am convinced that submitting and receiving pain in a consensual situation are not all that different. I think they are both struggles against what can be thought of as situations that humans don’t normally experience. So as an extension of this argument, why wouldn’t the human mind have the capability to generate a protective response in a situation of having ones control of their environment and even actions removed? So In my rarely humble opinion, this argument is best left for folks who are far more concerned with such hair splitting than me.

So what does sub-space feel like? I asked my friend kitty (@The_Sub_Mission) for help with this.

Subspace for me, is a very deep, relaxed state that feels almost trance like. When I am in subspace, I tend to talk in third person. “Kitty will get that for you, Master.” I am very driven by direct orders, and have a hard time thinking for myself. Responding to anything besides direct “Yes Master” or “Right away Master” becomes difficult. Words escape me, and I have a hard time remembering them. Truthfully, when I get so deep that talking becomes difficult, Master will pull me out a little bit until I am able to speak a bit better. This always makes me a bit cranky. While I don’t snap or anything on the outside, the little voice inside my head is always upset when Master does this. Subspace is very pleasant for me, and getting pulled out is not fun.

Kitty also added;

I have found that the quickest ways for me to achieve subspace is when Master either deprives me of one or more senses (vision, touch, etc), or having a very high protocol scene. The more rules that are implemented in either our play, or our daily lives, the quicker I will reach subspace.

I do not reach subspace every time we play, and subspace is not usually the goal of play.

Her latter statements clearly indicate that kitty, can reach sub-space through non-pain oriented play.

As a Dom/Sadist/Top, I find that sub-space can be a double-edged sword. Sub-space can be delicious to induce. Like orgasm it can be used as a signpost that what you are doing is working. Many sub/bottom play partners also desire it. The down side is that it shifts even more of the responsibility for the physical and mental safety of the bottom to the Top. In this state the bottom often cannot judge their own physical state. As kitty mentioned, it is sometimes necessary for her Master to pull her out a bit. I have been in the situation where I felt it was necessary to dial play back a bit, or take a break due to a deepening sub-space.

There is an anecdote that has long stuck with me. It was related to me by the Master of a slave that was known for her very rapid decent into a deep sub-space. A gangbang situation had been negotiated and the slave desired this. During the course of initial play she quickly achieved a very deep sub-space. This was not unexpected and the gang-play proceeded. Sometime during penetration she came out of space for unspecified reasons and was agitated that she was being penetrated by someone other that her Master. Now this is obviously an extreme and cautionary tale, however it does serve to underscore the consideration that must be given by the partners of anyone prone to descending this far in altered consciousness during play. It is not at all uncommon for a bottom to not be able to form the decision necessary to use a safeword during intense play induced space.

I have never heard a sub/bottom complain about entering or experiencing altered space, and in fact I have often heard it described as similar to the euphoria of post-orgasmic haze. I can say that if it is anything like the pleasure I experience while in a Top-driven space, then it is likely semi-addictive.

I think it is very likely that like so many parts of the human pleasure spectrum sub-space is different for each person who experiences it. And that I am quite confident I do in fact have the knowledge on which to base my comments.

 

 

 

Tags: BDSM, bottom, pain, Play, submissive, subspace, Top, Training

Why Do You Want To Hurt Me

A common question I am asked is “What do you get out of sadism?” or “Why do you enjoy causing pain, humiliation, degradation, domination, etc.?”. I’m not sure there are any easy answers to these questions, but I am so very interested in exploring it. I don’t necessarily believe that humiliation or domination is the same kink as sadism, but for me they are very much intertwined. So for the purpose of this discussion I am going to speak to all of my kinks that are related to physical and mental sadism.

A first clue lies in the fact that I get similar enjoyment from mental anguish experienced by a consenting partner as I do from physical suffering. The suffering that shadows the eyes of someone licking cum off the floor triggers an excitement in me rivaled by the thrill of feeling the primal resistance of a body fighting against the pain of my teeth sinking deep into their flesh, or the twitch of a body receiving painful cane strokes. it is the suffering of the mind that brings my blood to boil. Suffering of the flesh is just the match to gasoline of the torturing of the mind, and this I believe is the reason I can take my pleasure at a distance. That is right, I can engage in and celebrate that darkest of kinks, “Long Distance Play”. I also have found that I can to a great degree receive satisfaction from watching someone else or even in some instances just knowing about someone else torturing another. But I suspect I am not alone in this.

Curious is the fact that I see to feel no distinction in the torturing of those who accept it as a type of service play, or a true masochist or pain-slut. It may be because in my experience even those that take great pleasure from the pain, or humiliation or even simple submission must process the thoughts or sensations that are naturally rejected by the human body and brain, and reprocess these into pleasure, even if it is quite subconsciously. Even the masochist can be heard to say ouch.

I am well aware that there are plenty of folks that will take umbrage with me uniting dominance and sadism for the purpose of this discussion, and I cannot argue that for others dominance can exist as a fulfilling kink on its own outside any sort of sadistic pleasure. However, for me, they are intertwined. This also addresses a common misconception about me and possibly other sadists that can take their play to edgy extremes. It is a question of how I/we can take equal pleasure playing with a newbie or very light player. Simply, the pleasure is in the suffering. for some folks even a light spanking can be very difficult to bare. That difficulty is what inflames me.

I truly do not know if I can answer the question of why? Why do I love to see you cry, to beg? Why do I want you to suffer? But make no mistake I do. And one of the greatest revelations of my life is that there are folks that want to suffer for me. Folks that want to look up at me pleading while my hand over their mouth and nose deny them breathe.

So I turn the question. Why do you want to hurt for me?

Tags: BDSM, dominance, Impact, pain, Play, suffering

Anatomy of a Mindfuck

Despite my imposing physical presence one of my favorite forms of play exists only on a cerebral level. Things said and unsaid leading up to and during a scene can have far more impact that any blow from a quirt or flogger. The results of a well played Mindfuck can be devastatingly beautiful.

In my youth I discovered I could use my intelligence to manipulate those around me, both my peers and adults. I wish I could say I used this power for good but that simply wasn’t the case. I found that by making simple statements that communicated a shell of an idea and then leaving much unspoken I could lead the listener to fill in the blanks with thought that were worse than anything I could dream up.

When I met Jewelgen I found someone who was not fond of manipulation in daily life and called me on it until I nearly broke the habit.

Several years ago I was reading a book by John and Libby Warren titled “The Loving Dominant”. I got to a section titled “Mindfuck”, when I read this chapter the heavens opened up and trumpets played. The author described using disinformation and half formed information to create excitement in your partner.  He described a scene in which a partner had been begging for a brand and he was not willing to give it to her but decided to use this idea to build an elaborate Mindfuck. He used a setup that would be used for branding and set the scene as if that is exactly what he was going to do. Using ritual to increase the anticipation he eventually blindfolded the bottom and continued building her anticipation until he eventually placed ice against her skin and the resulting shock from the sensation convinced her that she was being branded, which resulted in an amazingly orgasmic climax.

Trust is the key to a truly successful Mindfuck though. Engendering an enormous level of trust from your partner is absolutely necessary. One of the first things I say to a prospective partner when beginning negotiations for play is “I will never intentionally violate any hard limit you have, even if I lead you to believe I am going to”. I do not make a huge production of mentioning it but I simply include it in conversation. This lays the groundwork for many sorts of games.

I was approached by a submissive woman in a distant city about getting together to play when she would be in my area several weeks later. We began negotiation and I told her I wanted her to surrender control over several parts of her daily routine so she could become familiar with surrendering control to me. We spread negotiations over a week or so and I intentionally mention many things that I knew I would not consider doing in initial play. I also asked about things that I knew would create a bit of fear and worry. I also constantly reassured her that I would not do anything she could not handle and then almost immediately begin the mental pressure again. At one point I told her that “I don not break my toys” which simultaneously reassured her but created the mental image that she would be an object during play. I believe the desired affect was achieved.  When we met to play she was nearly out of her mind with fear and anticipation which set the stage for some very fun play.

However, by far my favorite Mindfuck ever was perpetrated against my favorite play partner, Jewelgen. Many folks assume that Jewelgen and I get to play out elaborate scenes on a regular basis but with a houseful of teens this simply isn’t the case. Often our more elaborate play occurs in public play spaces. Our lives had been particularly busy and we had not played in a while and were both anticipating a weekend that both of our kids would be gone all weekend. As our time grew near I began pouring on the mental pressure, telling her that we were going to play harder than we had ever played and I was going to push all of her limits. Our play started slowly but built up as the time ticked on. I eventually had her bound with her arms behind her and an athletic bandage around her head as a blindfold. I was spanking her and handling her quite rough as she began moving into one of the deeper subspaces I have ever seen her in. I had her on her knees on the floor and bent her over the couch. I filled my hand with lube and spread it on her asshole and whispered in her ear that I was quite tired of her longstanding hard limit on anal penetration and was no longer going to tolerate it. I went on for several minutes like this while she whimpered and I told her she was in no position to argue. She felt my hard cock press against her ass cheeks and I immediately masturbated her pussy until she had a massive orgasm.

Of course I had never intended to violate her limit and I think somewhere she new that was true but in the moment she did not know what to believe and this lead to a state of complete loss of control, which of course is incredibly erotic.

The term Mindfuck has in some circles become synonymous with fucking with someone’s head non-consensually. I think that is the wrong use of the word. Non-consensual equals rape and so I think the proper term for that sort of abuse is Mind-Rape. Fucking is not a negative act so neither should Mindfucking.

Tags: BDSM, Limits, Mindfuck, Negotiation, Trust

A Journey Begins

NOTE: This is a edited and extended version of a Formspring Answer from several weeks ago.

When Jewelgen and I met in 1991 we were both epic sluts. I was in the middle of an ugly divorce and she was young and free. We met at my brother’s house and after a short while of me thinking she was way out of my league we dated for the pure intention of having sex. After a movie date we went back to my house and did just that. We fucked each others brains out. Almost immediately we started spending every free minute together fucking. After a few weeks of this we both realized that we actually enjoyed each others company and wanted to be together. Well I mentioned the idea and Jewelgen called and canceled all of her other action. Mine was easier to cut off as I was more of a find-a-fuck-a-day sort of player.

We both thought at this time that monogamy was what you did when you fell in love and so we proceeded. We eventually married a few years later after the birth of our first child.

We have always engaged in what we came to later realize was called “Take Down” play in the kink world and I have always dominated all of my partners sexually. However we did not know other people did what we did. Quite frankly we thought we were the only ones who did the crazy shit we do. We had very close friends that would not stay at our house because they did not know how to handle the sounds from our bedroom. In retrospect it was a bit nonconsensual to include them in that way.

Then a bit over 3 years ago we found some nipple clamps in a local shop and found that they fit well within what we did and a light bulb went off for both of us.

We then did what we do whenever we find something we love to do, we jumped in with all four feet. We scoured the internet. We attended every class we could find. And we read voraciously.

In our effort to read everything ever published on BDSM I discovered Greenery Press, and purchased a stack of their books at a bookstore and we proceeded to read. When I got to The Ethical Slut I thought it was just another book on Kink. I started reading it and immediately knew I stumbled upon something revolutionary. Now it is important to note that I love to think and consider ideas that are new or different from my own, and at that point that was all it appeared to be. By the time I finished the book I knew it was something I had to show to Jewelgen. Not because I was trying to drag her into the ideas I had read but because I knew she would love to at least read about it also.

When I handed The Ethical Slut to Jewelgen I told her that it was a fascinating book of ideas and I wanted her to read it but not think I was trying to suggest a huge change in our relationship. I also told her I didn’t want to really discuss it until she was done reading. She agreed and read it cover to cover in the next couple of days. We started talking and knew that this was something that made too much sense to ignore. Especially given that we are a couple of ex sluts who have always acknowledged our ability to separate sex and emotion. We have acknowledged for years that if our marriage ever failed we would still get together to fuck.

We laid out a sort of path that began with what we called “Play Poly” and had many rules and it felt very comfortable. We started by introducing “Co-Play”. That is the two of us playing with other individuals or couples, and it went very well. The first time seeing each other interact with other people was a bit jarring but we spent much time talking through each issue and were very successful.

We have had several severe stutter steps, as we like to call it in our Poly Journey, and most all of them come from my moving forward in areas that Jewelgen was not yet comfortable with at the time. I think the most important being my forming an emotional attachment to a third party without Jewelgen’s consent. However Jewelgen has an amazing capacity for forgiveness and we both have a commitment to communications and each other.

One of the most wonderful parts or our journey has been finding our love for Ice_Empress. We would have never thought that we both could become so emotionally invested in other people, much less both of us in one person. However we have and we do not regret it one bit. We hope she is part of our journey and partnership for the future.

(To Be Continued. . . . . )

Tags: BDSM, Monogamy, Poly, Polyamory, Sex, Slut, The Ethical Slut

Confidence and Broken Fingers

Confidence, knowledge, and intuition. These three things may be what make me what I am. A Dom. A Sexually Dominant Male. I am also a Sexual Sadist. Whether these two are interdependent on each other is debatable. But I do know that without knowledge and intuition I cannot have confidence and confidence is the flag I fly that lets submissives know that I can and will deliver the experience they are looking for.

This is a story of how my confidence nearly failed.

Jewelgen and I had not had an opportunity to play for quite a while. We have teenagers and playing hard while they are in the house simply isn’t an option. An opportunity came up that both the teens would be gone for the weekend and we decided that this would be a very good opportunity to play hard and push in areas we had not explored together.

Our play started slow as we eased away from out equal roles as mates and into our play roles as Dom and submissive. I started with some light spanking and eased into some nipple torture. The progress of the scene was exactly as I hoped and Jewelgen was moving steadily into a subspace. I knew we would be able to move into some bondage and impact play at the rate things were progressing so I ordered her to her knees and blindfolded her with an ace bandage.

I brought out my coils of hemp rope and began by tying her wrists behind her back in an overlapping fashion and tied a harness on her torso so I could pull her hands upward behind her back. From there I began increasing the tit torture and alternated between spanking her tits and ass. All of the signs of deepening subspace that I wanted showed themselves. Her breathing slowed and became steady, she was aware but subdued and accepting the play with an obvious gratefulness.

I continued to change up the play slowly increasing the intensity and mixing in stimulation of her pussy. She reached orgasm several times and I knew my objective was in site. I had wanted to cane her for quite some time, and while we had done some light tapping I wanted to mark her. To see the welts rise on her ass and to hear her gasp from the blows. I tapped for quite some time on her ass and thighs and was beginning to prepare her for “Counting” a favorite game of mine. During impact play I like to give the sub a number, like 10. I tell them that I will be delivering the given number of blows, however they will be responsible for only counting the truly “good” blows, and if they count ones I deem to soft then I will decide which ones get counted.

I noticed though that her shoulders appeared to be uncomfortable and so I released the arms and wrists slightly to allow her some relief. And then I made my second mistake. I removed her blindfold. It had been my intention to do the counting game a little differently. I usually build in intensity but I was going to start of with a very serious blow. She had been quite warmed up and I relished in the surprise of the stinging cane strike on the first count.

I brought my arm with my Rattan Cane back to swing and released. *This is when the movie switches to slow motion* As I swung the cane I saw what was happening but had fully committed to this blow and simply could not stop. Jewelgen had seen the motion of my arm out of the corner of her eye and instinctively dipped her now barely bound hands in front of her ass. Thwack, the cane landed across the knuckle side of 8 fingers. She screamed in agony and I knew instantly that I had broken her fingers. I untied her quickly and got Ice bags and Ibuprofen and set her on the bed. I held her and apologized and I knew I had made a horrible mistake that we would never recover from.

But this is not the nature of my wife. The fingers were not broken. Enormous hematomas appeared on one hand and smaller ones on the other. I held her for hours and apologized profusely. She had to make up some clever stories to explain her fingers at work but she recovered. But, I seriously wondered if I would. This was my fault. I had failed. My knowledge and intuition had not told me that this would happen. How could I trust myself? How could I be confident? Without confidence, could I be a Dom? My God what would Jay Wiseman say?

I struggled with this for quite some time. I played, but it was more subdued. Then the answer came from a very odd place. We attended a class on CBT at the local dungeon and during the class the presenter said “If you don’t make mistakes you aren’t playing hard enough and you are short changing your bottom”. Jay Wiseman snorted. But I thought about what he said, and he was right. My biggest mistake had been not expecting to make mistakes. My knowledge and intuition prepare me to help reduce mistakes and to react quickly and correctly when I do.

Jewelgen has recovered well and generally trusts me in play. I have come back even more confident than before and confidence is what I breathe. I am a Dom.

Tags: BDSM, Canes, Confidence