Posts tagged BDSM
Anatomy of a Mindfuck
Jan 12th
Despite my imposing physical presence one of my favorite forms of play exists only on a cerebral level. Things said and unsaid leading up to and during a scene can have far more impact that any blow from a quirt or flogger. The results of a well played Mindfuck can be devastatingly beautiful.
In my youth I discovered I could use my intelligence to manipulate those around me, both my peers and adults. I wish I could say I used this power for good but that simply wasn’t the case. I found that by making simple statements that communicated a shell of an idea and then leaving much unspoken I could lead the listener to fill in the blanks with thought that were worse than anything I could dream up.
When I met Jewelgen I found someone who was not fond of manipulation in daily life and called me on it until I nearly broke the habit.
Several years ago I was reading a book by John and Libby Warren titled “The Loving Dominant”. I got to a section titled “Mindfuck”, when I read this chapter the heavens opened up and trumpets played. The author described using disinformation and half formed information to create excitement in your partner. He described a scene in which a partner had been begging for a brand and he was not willing to give it to her but decided to use this idea to build an elaborate Mindfuck. He used a setup that would be used for branding and set the scene as if that is exactly what he was going to do. Using ritual to increase the anticipation he eventually blindfolded the bottom and continued building her anticipation until he eventually placed ice against her skin and the resulting shock from the sensation convinced her that she was being branded, which resulted in an amazingly orgasmic climax.
Trust is the key to a truly successful Mindfuck though. Engendering an enormous level of trust from your partner is absolutely necessary. One of the first things I say to a prospective partner when beginning negotiations for play is “I will never intentionally violate any hard limit you have, even if I lead you to believe I am going to”. I do not make a huge production of mentioning it but I simply include it in conversation. This lays the groundwork for many sorts of games.
I was approached by a submissive woman in a distant city about getting together to play when she would be in my area several weeks later. We began negotiation and I told her I wanted her to surrender control over several parts of her daily routine so she could become familiar with surrendering control to me. We spread negotiations over a week or so and I intentionally mention many things that I knew I would not consider doing in initial play. I also asked about things that I knew would create a bit of fear and worry. I also constantly reassured her that I would not do anything she could not handle and then almost immediately begin the mental pressure again. At one point I told her that “I don not break my toys” which simultaneously reassured her but created the mental image that she would be an object during play. I believe the desired affect was achieved. When we met to play she was nearly out of her mind with fear and anticipation which set the stage for some very fun play.
However, by far my favorite Mindfuck ever was perpetrated against my favorite play partner, Jewelgen. Many folks assume that Jewelgen and I get to play out elaborate scenes on a regular basis but with a houseful of teens this simply isn’t the case. Often our more elaborate play occurs in public play spaces. Our lives had been particularly busy and we had not played in a while and were both anticipating a weekend that both of our kids would be gone all weekend. As our time grew near I began pouring on the mental pressure, telling her that we were going to play harder than we had ever played and I was going to push all of her limits. Our play started slowly but built up as the time ticked on. I eventually had her bound with her arms behind her and an athletic bandage around her head as a blindfold. I was spanking her and handling her quite rough as she began moving into one of the deeper subspaces I have ever seen her in. I had her on her knees on the floor and bent her over the couch. I filled my hand with lube and spread it on her asshole and whispered in her ear that I was quite tired of her longstanding hard limit on anal penetration and was no longer going to tolerate it. I went on for several minutes like this while she whimpered and I told her she was in no position to argue. She felt my hard cock press against her ass cheeks and I immediately masturbated her pussy until she had a massive orgasm.
Of course I had never intended to violate her limit and I think somewhere she new that was true but in the moment she did not know what to believe and this lead to a state of complete loss of control, which of course is incredibly erotic.
The term Mindfuck has in some circles become synonymous with fucking with someone’s head non-consensually. I think that is the wrong use of the word. Non-consensual equals rape and so I think the proper term for that sort of abuse is Mind-Rape. Fucking is not a negative act so neither should Mindfucking.
A Journey Begins
Jan 6th
NOTE: This is a edited and extended version of a Formspring Answer from several weeks ago.
When Jewelgen and I met in 1991 we were both epic sluts. I was in the middle of an ugly divorce and she was young and free. We met at my brother’s house and after a short while of me thinking she was way out of my league we dated for the pure intention of having sex. After a movie date we went back to my house and did just that. We fucked each others brains out. Almost immediately we started spending every free minute together fucking. After a few weeks of this we both realized that we actually enjoyed each others company and wanted to be together. Well I mentioned the idea and Jewelgen called and canceled all of her other action. Mine was easier to cut off as I was more of a find-a-fuck-a-day sort of player.
We both thought at this time that monogamy was what you did when you fell in love and so we proceeded. We eventually married a few years later after the birth of our first child.
We have always engaged in what we came to later realize was called “Take Down” play in the kink world and I have always dominated all of my partners sexually. However we did not know other people did what we did. Quite frankly we thought we were the only ones who did the crazy shit we do. We had very close friends that would not stay at our house because they did not know how to handle the sounds from our bedroom. In retrospect it was a bit nonconsensual to include them in that way.
Then a bit over 3 years ago we found some nipple clamps in a local shop and found that they fit well within what we did and a light bulb went off for both of us.
We then did what we do whenever we find something we love to do, we jumped in with all four feet. We scoured the internet. We attended every class we could find. And we read voraciously.
In our effort to read everything ever published on BDSM I discovered Greenery Press, and purchased a stack of their books at a bookstore and we proceeded to read. When I got to The Ethical Slut I thought it was just another book on Kink. I started reading it and immediately knew I stumbled upon something revolutionary. Now it is important to note that I love to think and consider ideas that are new or different from my own, and at that point that was all it appeared to be. By the time I finished the book I knew it was something I had to show to Jewelgen. Not because I was trying to drag her into the ideas I had read but because I knew she would love to at least read about it also.
When I handed The Ethical Slut to Jewelgen I told her that it was a fascinating book of ideas and I wanted her to read it but not think I was trying to suggest a huge change in our relationship. I also told her I didn’t want to really discuss it until she was done reading. She agreed and read it cover to cover in the next couple of days. We started talking and knew that this was something that made too much sense to ignore. Especially given that we are a couple of ex sluts who have always acknowledged our ability to separate sex and emotion. We have acknowledged for years that if our marriage ever failed we would still get together to fuck.
We laid out a sort of path that began with what we called “Play Poly” and had many rules and it felt very comfortable. We started by introducing “Co-Play”. That is the two of us playing with other individuals or couples, and it went very well. The first time seeing each other interact with other people was a bit jarring but we spent much time talking through each issue and were very successful.
We have had several severe stutter steps, as we like to call it in our Poly Journey, and most all of them come from my moving forward in areas that Jewelgen was not yet comfortable with at the time. I think the most important being my forming an emotional attachment to a third party without Jewelgen’s consent. However Jewelgen has an amazing capacity for forgiveness and we both have a commitment to communications and each other.
One of the most wonderful parts or our journey has been finding our love for Ice_Empress. We would have never thought that we both could become so emotionally invested in other people, much less both of us in one person. However we have and we do not regret it one bit. We hope she is part of our journey and partnership for the future.
(To Be Continued. . . . . )
Confidence and Broken Fingers
Jan 5th
Confidence, knowledge, and intuition. These three things may be what make me what I am. A Dom. A Sexually Dominant Male. I am also a Sexual Sadist. Whether these two are interdependent on each other is debatable. But I do know that without knowledge and intuition I cannot have confidence and confidence is the flag I fly that lets submissives know that I can and will deliver the experience they are looking for.
This is a story of how my confidence nearly failed.
Jewelgen and I had not had an opportunity to play for quite a while. We have teenagers and playing hard while they are in the house simply isn’t an option. An opportunity came up that both the teens would be gone for the weekend and we decided that this would be a very good opportunity to play hard and push in areas we had not explored together.
Our play started slow as we eased away from out equal roles as mates and into our play roles as Dom and submissive. I started with some light spanking and eased into some nipple torture. The progress of the scene was exactly as I hoped and Jewelgen was moving steadily into a subspace. I knew we would be able to move into some bondage and impact play at the rate things were progressing so I ordered her to her knees and blindfolded her with an ace bandage.
I brought out my coils of hemp rope and began by tying her wrists behind her back in an overlapping fashion and tied a harness on her torso so I could pull her hands upward behind her back. From there I began increasing the tit torture and alternated between spanking her tits and ass. All of the signs of deepening subspace that I wanted showed themselves. Her breathing slowed and became steady, she was aware but subdued and accepting the play with an obvious gratefulness.
I continued to change up the play slowly increasing the intensity and mixing in stimulation of her pussy. She reached orgasm several times and I knew my objective was in site. I had wanted to cane her for quite some time, and while we had done some light tapping I wanted to mark her. To see the welts rise on her ass and to hear her gasp from the blows. I tapped for quite some time on her ass and thighs and was beginning to prepare her for “Counting” a favorite game of mine. During impact play I like to give the sub a number, like 10. I tell them that I will be delivering the given number of blows, however they will be responsible for only counting the truly “good” blows, and if they count ones I deem to soft then I will decide which ones get counted.
I noticed though that her shoulders appeared to be uncomfortable and so I released the arms and wrists slightly to allow her some relief. And then I made my second mistake. I removed her blindfold. It had been my intention to do the counting game a little differently. I usually build in intensity but I was going to start of with a very serious blow. She had been quite warmed up and I relished in the surprise of the stinging cane strike on the first count.
I brought my arm with my Rattan Cane back to swing and released. *This is when the movie switches to slow motion* As I swung the cane I saw what was happening but had fully committed to this blow and simply could not stop. Jewelgen had seen the motion of my arm out of the corner of her eye and instinctively dipped her now barely bound hands in front of her ass. Thwack, the cane landed across the knuckle side of 8 fingers. She screamed in agony and I knew instantly that I had broken her fingers. I untied her quickly and got Ice bags and Ibuprofen and set her on the bed. I held her and apologized and I knew I had made a horrible mistake that we would never recover from.
But this is not the nature of my wife. The fingers were not broken. Enormous hematomas appeared on one hand and smaller ones on the other. I held her for hours and apologized profusely. She had to make up some clever stories to explain her fingers at work but she recovered. But, I seriously wondered if I would. This was my fault. I had failed. My knowledge and intuition had not told me that this would happen. How could I trust myself? How could I be confident? Without confidence, could I be a Dom? My God what would Jay Wiseman say?
I struggled with this for quite some time. I played, but it was more subdued. Then the answer came from a very odd place. We attended a class on CBT at the local dungeon and during the class the presenter said “If you don’t make mistakes you aren’t playing hard enough and you are short changing your bottom”. Jay Wiseman snorted. But I thought about what he said, and he was right. My biggest mistake had been not expecting to make mistakes. My knowledge and intuition prepare me to help reduce mistakes and to react quickly and correctly when I do.
Jewelgen has recovered well and generally trusts me in play. I have come back even more confident than before and confidence is what I breathe. I am a Dom.
Safe Call
Jan 2nd
I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who is a submissive woman regarding playdate safety. More specifically personal safety when meeting a play partner for the first time.
The conversation started like this;
Friend: I am meeting “X Dominant” to play for the first time. “X” lives several hours away and I am driving to meet him.
Me: Do you have a safecall in place?
Friend: No, I feel like that is rude
*Cue sound of screeching brakes and breaking glass*
Me: WTF???
This is of course a paraphrasing of the conversation but for purposes of discussion relatively accurate. It is also something I feel very strongly about. I am a firm believer in safecalls. I just don’t believe that just because someone says all the right “Lifestyle” things that they are not potentially an abusive or even murderous asshole. I also don’t believe that several days, weeks, or months of conversation will reveal these tendencies in a prospective play partner.
When Jewelgen plays with a new partner we have a multiple call system in place. If she is traveling to play she calls me when she arrives at the destination and then at regular intervals she calls or texts. We use every two hours. She makes this known to the person she is meeting. We also have code words that will seem very natural in conversation but would indicate to me that there is a problem and she is under duress. Making the need for the call(s) immediately known to the partner makes the use of code words possible.
But a part of the conversation with my friend that I think is key is the part where she says that she thinks using one is rude. I feel exactly the opposite. Jewelgen and I both feel that if mentioning that you are using a safecall raises any concern or offends a potential play partner there is only one solution, RUN!! But seriously this is a good sign that the person potentially has bad intent.
I want to add one other perspective. I think a potential sub indicating to me that they intend to use a safe call tells me that this is a person who puts much thought to their safety which in my book means they value themselves, which in turn makes me want to value them that much more.
Now before you ask “Do you use a safecall?” The answer is Yes and No. It is unlikely that anyone I would play with would ever be able to overpower me with anything short of a firearm, and at that point even a safecall is not going to save me. However, as part of the general respect I try to show for Jewelgen, I would not go an extended amount of time without contacting her.
The downside is that like any safety procedure overly depending on a safecall and not keeping your wits about you to some degree can be dangerous in itself.
Dating a new person can be dangerous, whether it Vanilla or Kinky dating. Look out for yourself.
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