Saynine

I Am A Predator.

I am a predator. Beware. I come not with a sneak attack, but with fangs bare. I come to seduce you then hurt you and fuck you. I come for your women, and in fact your men, and anyone else capable of consent. This is who I am and what I do.

Are you villagers lighting the torches yet?

This has been on my mind for a while but an issue brought up originally by @Tutivillus, and then beautifully expounded on by Remittancegirl, got me thinking deeper. And finally the comment section pushed me over the edge.

There are certainly unethical players in the world of kink, just as there are in the vanilla world. And this comes from both sides of the D/s or S/m isle as far as I am concerned.

This idea that every new submissive female that comes into the hunting ground of Dominant males is a helpless doe that must be protected by the herd from these beasts is fucking ridiculous. Most if not all are here to be found. Have we forgotten what kink is?

I am not talking about deception. I am talking about good old “You got what I want, you want to share”. What a disservice to these new folks to say that they are so week minded that they must be protected from their own desires. I have seen several times, Dominant males who approach submissives to start conversation and seek out shared attraction get labeled as “predators”. And frankly it angers me.

There is absolutely nothing unethical about approaching someone to simply flirt, or to make a direct approach regarding desire. We are adults. We all have the ability to say “Sorry I am not interested”. Anything after that is unethical and a separate issue entirely.

Equally appalling are the whispered warnings at kink events, especially munches. “Oh, watch out for him, he will try to get you to play right away”. Can you imagine hearing “Oh, watch out for that one, she known exactly what she wants, and she wants you to do it to her”?

I am going to only warn you once more. I am Kinky, I am Dominant, I do horrible things to tender prey like you. I am a Predator. And I am taking back that word.

Tags: BDSM, Consent, Dominant, Pansexual, Predator, Sex, submissive

Shiny Pretty Relationships

Driving home from a fun day in the city with my wife yesterday we had a fantastic conversation about polyamory, and our relationship. So often in our journey of poly and kink, these hour-plus trips home from San Francisco after a kink event have provided a great time to reconnect and talk. This time was no different and during this conversation some thoughts jelled for me that have been bouncing around in my head for a while regarding poly relationships.

Now I am aware that for some folks referencing “primary” and “secondary” relationships in polyamory creates a sort of subdivide that makes them uncomfortable, However for the purpose of this discussion I think this distinction is necessary. With my wife and myself, we have been together for over two decades. We have children and our relationship has endured trials that have put our commitment to the test. We are in a triad with someone who not only lives with us, but we love dearly.

For the purpose of this look at poly I am going to use my relationship with my wife as an example of a primary relationship, and secondary relationships are our semi-regular play partners and D/s relationships. But I think it would apply to any relationship that is comparatively newer, or separated by time and distance.

Among practitioners of polyamory and some kink, a term is used to describe the nature of the earliest portion of a relationship. This term is “New Relationship Energy” or NRE. Now more often than not I have heard this term used in a manner of derision, i.e. “Ugh, those two are like teenagers, but once that NRE fades it wont last”. Now I can be a hell of a cynic but even I find how common this sort of analysis occurs disturbing.

NRE is a real thing; it is that “I can’t wait to see you again” feeling of euphoria that is very common at the beginning of a relationship. This is the feeling that some folks seek so strongly that they never learn how to make a relationship of any kind last. I do not think that in itself makes NRE a bad thing. In fact I think it is something that can be celebrated. What is not OK is to allow this to overshadow your other relationships or cloud your judgment. I will confess that some of the biggest mistakes I have made in poly have been associated with letting myself get caught up in NRE.

But what has really been on my mind lately is the difference in the nature of who folks in secondary relationships see, compared to who our primary partners see.

We of course put our best face forward to those we are trying to woo, this is the very nature of humans. We constantly reinvent ourselves to the outside world. We show the parts of us we want to show, those parts that we believe will impress potential new partners. I don’t mean this is lying or deceit. It simply is what we do. What our new or secondary partners most often don’t see is us at our worst.

Our primary partners get to see us when we are sick, grumpy, depressed. They see us warts and all. And they love us. This in itself is beyond amazing, but they do. They also share many of the most difficult parts of our lives. If you have children with your partner then you have seen each other sleep deprived to the point of near insanity. You have had heated discussions about schools and discipline of your children. You have also possibly experienced financially difficulty at some point, and your primary partner was right there by your side. You’ve laughed with them, you’ve cried with them, and if you are me you have thrown up on them in a restaurant. Yet they still love us.

Now this is the part where I take an unexpected turn. And this is the conclusion my wife and reached on our drive home. All of these differences are a good thing. That is right! It neither detracts from the nature of primary relationships or secondary relationships. In fact this may be one of the fabulous things about polyamory. In the words of my wife “In some ways when I am with someone else, it is a vacation. I don’t have to be wife, or mother. I get to be fun and sexy in a completely different way.” Again, I want to reiterate, this is not deceitful, we are just able to shed some of the things that drag us down in the drudgery of life.

Of course as secondary relationships develop these lines become less and less defined. And it as this transition that as NRE fades and deeper bonds form that we can truly experiences the broader nature of a personal relationship. But don’t be in a hurry to discount the benefits of NRE and the benefits of separate relationships.

 

 

Tags: Date, New Relationship Energy, NRE, Poly, Polyamory, Primary, Relationship, Secondary, Sex

Sub-Space, Wish You Were Here

I recently put out to the twitter world that I was looking for questions. I have decided to write and post more often and I am often asked questions in Private Messages, so this seemed to be a perfect opportunity to generate inspiration. So I asked, and not 30 seconds later there it was staring at me.

Can you define “subspace” in your blog? I have an idea what it is but have never experienced it.

Ugh, no seriously. There is almost no way to answer this question that will not almost certainly piss someone off, or generate a storm of criticism. So right off the bat I am going to address why I have no business answering this question, and then in very typical style for me, do it anyways.

I am neither a sub, nor a switch, nor even a bottom, thus I cannot possibly form an informed position or opinion on what sub-space (or as some folks insist “bottom-space”) is. I learned this lesson when my ass was handed to me because I made the mistake of commenting on the fact that vibrators may affect female orgasm over time. The League of Sex Blogging Authority told me in very certain terms, that since I was lacking a clitoris, I had no business discussing this subject at all. . . . .  No I lied; I learned no lesson at all.

The second problem is that it is nearly impossible to find two people who agree on what sub-space is, or how it is achieved. So as in the previously mentioned controversy I intend to use information I have gathered from my direct observation, anecdotal information, and the direct assistance from some friends who are more qualified to comment as they have in fact achieved this mysterious state of being.

The “sub-space” vs. “bottom-space” question apparently revolves around the question of whether a person can achieve this state only through physical pain, which generates mind-altering chemicals, or if actions of submission can generate the same response. Of course this is only conjecture. It would seem that our brain would create these altered states as a form of protection, to blunt the impact of difficult circumstance. Now as I discussed in a previous post, I am convinced that submitting and receiving pain in a consensual situation are not all that different. I think they are both struggles against what can be thought of as situations that humans don’t normally experience. So as an extension of this argument, why wouldn’t the human mind have the capability to generate a protective response in a situation of having ones control of their environment and even actions removed? So In my rarely humble opinion, this argument is best left for folks who are far more concerned with such hair splitting than me.

So what does sub-space feel like? I asked my friend kitty (@The_Sub_Mission) for help with this.

Subspace for me, is a very deep, relaxed state that feels almost trance like. When I am in subspace, I tend to talk in third person. “Kitty will get that for you, Master.” I am very driven by direct orders, and have a hard time thinking for myself. Responding to anything besides direct “Yes Master” or “Right away Master” becomes difficult. Words escape me, and I have a hard time remembering them. Truthfully, when I get so deep that talking becomes difficult, Master will pull me out a little bit until I am able to speak a bit better. This always makes me a bit cranky. While I don’t snap or anything on the outside, the little voice inside my head is always upset when Master does this. Subspace is very pleasant for me, and getting pulled out is not fun.

Kitty also added;

I have found that the quickest ways for me to achieve subspace is when Master either deprives me of one or more senses (vision, touch, etc), or having a very high protocol scene. The more rules that are implemented in either our play, or our daily lives, the quicker I will reach subspace.

I do not reach subspace every time we play, and subspace is not usually the goal of play.

Her latter statements clearly indicate that kitty, can reach sub-space through non-pain oriented play.

As a Dom/Sadist/Top, I find that sub-space can be a double-edged sword. Sub-space can be delicious to induce. Like orgasm it can be used as a signpost that what you are doing is working. Many sub/bottom play partners also desire it. The down side is that it shifts even more of the responsibility for the physical and mental safety of the bottom to the Top. In this state the bottom often cannot judge their own physical state. As kitty mentioned, it is sometimes necessary for her Master to pull her out a bit. I have been in the situation where I felt it was necessary to dial play back a bit, or take a break due to a deepening sub-space.

There is an anecdote that has long stuck with me. It was related to me by the Master of a slave that was known for her very rapid decent into a deep sub-space. A gangbang situation had been negotiated and the slave desired this. During the course of initial play she quickly achieved a very deep sub-space. This was not unexpected and the gang-play proceeded. Sometime during penetration she came out of space for unspecified reasons and was agitated that she was being penetrated by someone other that her Master. Now this is obviously an extreme and cautionary tale, however it does serve to underscore the consideration that must be given by the partners of anyone prone to descending this far in altered consciousness during play. It is not at all uncommon for a bottom to not be able to form the decision necessary to use a safeword during intense play induced space.

I have never heard a sub/bottom complain about entering or experiencing altered space, and in fact I have often heard it described as similar to the euphoria of post-orgasmic haze. I can say that if it is anything like the pleasure I experience while in a Top-driven space, then it is likely semi-addictive.

I think it is very likely that like so many parts of the human pleasure spectrum sub-space is different for each person who experiences it. And that I am quite confident I do in fact have the knowledge on which to base my comments.

 

 

 

Tags: BDSM, bottom, pain, Play, submissive, subspace, Top, Training

Why Do You Want To Hurt Me

A common question I am asked is “What do you get out of sadism?” or “Why do you enjoy causing pain, humiliation, degradation, domination, etc.?”. I’m not sure there are any easy answers to these questions, but I am so very interested in exploring it. I don’t necessarily believe that humiliation or domination is the same kink as sadism, but for me they are very much intertwined. So for the purpose of this discussion I am going to speak to all of my kinks that are related to physical and mental sadism.

A first clue lies in the fact that I get similar enjoyment from mental anguish experienced by a consenting partner as I do from physical suffering. The suffering that shadows the eyes of someone licking cum off the floor triggers an excitement in me rivaled by the thrill of feeling the primal resistance of a body fighting against the pain of my teeth sinking deep into their flesh, or the twitch of a body receiving painful cane strokes. it is the suffering of the mind that brings my blood to boil. Suffering of the flesh is just the match to gasoline of the torturing of the mind, and this I believe is the reason I can take my pleasure at a distance. That is right, I can engage in and celebrate that darkest of kinks, “Long Distance Play”. I also have found that I can to a great degree receive satisfaction from watching someone else or even in some instances just knowing about someone else torturing another. But I suspect I am not alone in this.

Curious is the fact that I see to feel no distinction in the torturing of those who accept it as a type of service play, or a true masochist or pain-slut. It may be because in my experience even those that take great pleasure from the pain, or humiliation or even simple submission must process the thoughts or sensations that are naturally rejected by the human body and brain, and reprocess these into pleasure, even if it is quite subconsciously. Even the masochist can be heard to say ouch.

I am well aware that there are plenty of folks that will take umbrage with me uniting dominance and sadism for the purpose of this discussion, and I cannot argue that for others dominance can exist as a fulfilling kink on its own outside any sort of sadistic pleasure. However, for me, they are intertwined. This also addresses a common misconception about me and possibly other sadists that can take their play to edgy extremes. It is a question of how I/we can take equal pleasure playing with a newbie or very light player. Simply, the pleasure is in the suffering. for some folks even a light spanking can be very difficult to bare. That difficulty is what inflames me.

I truly do not know if I can answer the question of why? Why do I love to see you cry, to beg? Why do I want you to suffer? But make no mistake I do. And one of the greatest revelations of my life is that there are folks that want to suffer for me. Folks that want to look up at me pleading while my hand over their mouth and nose deny them breathe.

So I turn the question. Why do you want to hurt for me?

Tags: BDSM, dominance, Impact, pain, Play, suffering

Informed Consent

Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to the idea of “Informed Consent” and the role it plays in BDSM play and negotiation.

I think a majority of BDSM players, at least those who participate in any heavy physical play at all, have come to realize that the idea of the acronym SSC “Safe, Sane and Consensual” was a good term to create spin against a growing fear of SM that was growing in the 80′s. However, to classify much of what we do as “safe” or “sane” is counterproductive to informed negotiation.

More recently the acronym RACK or Risk Aware Consensual Kink has come to better describe the concept behind ethical BDSM play. And this is the jumping off point for what I want to discuss.

If you follow me on twitter, or some of my play partners you may be aware that I sometimes engage in very heavy impact play, and other “edge play” that can result in very obvious marking of the sub or bottom. As empathetic humans our brains often trigger a response of sympathy towards the “victim” of such play, and anger or disgust at the perpetrator of such “abuse”. What is not often clear is the extensive exchange of information and consent involved in the prior negotiation of such play.

As a Dom/Top negotiating such play, the very first thing I try to determine in the motivation of a partner interested in participating in such play. Is there a deep desire to experience a physical play outside the comfort zone based on a kink? Or is the motivation to prove something to themselves or others. The latter is a warning sign for me.

Secondarily the type of play and risks associated with it are discussed in-depth. I do my best to assure the other person that while I am experienced and use best practices, there is always risk of injury beyond what was intended, and such injuries can result in a need for medical intervention and possibly extended recovery time. I find it interesting that some folks find such a discussion shocking yet are not at all surprised when a friend or co-worker is injured and misses work due to sports or recreational injuries.

Recently I began playing on a semi-regular basis with someone who was very eager to explore their limits of mental and physical edge play. Before our initial play date I discussed in depth the possible types of play we may engage in, including such things as spanking, paddling, caning, and slapping. We discussed possible risks and I suggested we play on a Friday so that they would have a weekend to recover before work on Monday.

At the end of a moderately heavy play session my new playmate expressed what a good time she had but that she regretted that we has not played harder, and after a few days when the bruises faded she was sad to see them go. I explained that for a first time of play this feeling of wanting more was perfect, but if by the next time we prepared to play she felt she wanted to take things further, we would negotiate for it.

Within a month we were in fact negotiating much heavier physical and psychological play. She confirmed that she wanted to take the level of play much further. Again I watched for signs that this request was based on anything other than a kinky desire to explore limits. As the scheduled time was established I suggested that a weekend would not be enough recovery time and that she should consider taking several days off, which she did. I also asked several times on several days if she understood that the sort of play I had in mind -heavy impact play, including paddles, canes, fists, and well as choking, and intense humiliation and other psychological play- could result in injuries that could result in a need for medical intervention. I made it clear that this was not my intent and I would endeavor to prevent this, but that I did need verbal confirmation that she understood. And she did.

The planned date came and play proceeded as I intended. It was intense, and exciting, but also fun and fulfilling for both parties. There was bruising, welts, and even a bit of localized bleeding. There were no injuries that required more than a bit of cleanup and some aftercare. Both were provided.

In a gesture of celebration of the play we both made some photos of the resulting damage available through several social media outlets, that day and the following.

There were of course the expected exclamations of shock, and some of envy. A wide range of response is expected when pictures like this are presented to an audience of mixed experience, and we appreciated all the comments.

What happened in the ensuing days is what is very interesting. A vanilla-ish friend of my play partner discovered the photos and was shocked and unhappy about them. This was an unfortunate outcome. However what I find intriguing are the “Kink Friendly” folks that in the following days expressed privately and semi-publicly to my playmate that they were concerned for her welfare and safety. And this is not the first time I have experienced this. I truly question the motivation of these folks, but more important I think is the point that other folks are not party to the negotiation between play partners and should not presume to know anything about what was involved in the consent to such play.

I think such inquiries serve to undermine the confidence that a bottom has in their decision to trust a Dom/Top even after the fact.

In truth “Informed Consent” is formed between play partners and is the basis of ethical BDSM play. I feel fortunate to live in a State where one person can consent to trust their safety to the skill and instincts of a partner or partners.

Tags: Consent, Impact