Saynine

Informed Consent

Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to the idea of “Informed Consent” and the role it plays in BDSM play and negotiation.

I think a majority of BDSM players, at least those who participate in any heavy physical play at all, have come to realize that the idea of the acronym SSC “Safe, Sane and Consensual” was a good term to create spin against a growing fear of SM that was growing in the 80′s. However, to classify much of what we do as “safe” or “sane” is counterproductive to informed negotiation.

More recently the acronym RACK or Risk Aware Consensual Kink has come to better describe the concept behind ethical BDSM play. And this is the jumping off point for what I want to discuss.

If you follow me on twitter, or some of my play partners you may be aware that I sometimes engage in very heavy impact play, and other “edge play” that can result in very obvious marking of the sub or bottom. As empathetic humans our brains often trigger a response of sympathy towards the “victim” of such play, and anger or disgust at the perpetrator of such “abuse”. What is not often clear is the extensive exchange of information and consent involved in the prior negotiation of such play.

As a Dom/Top negotiating such play, the very first thing I try to determine in the motivation of a partner interested in participating in such play. Is there a deep desire to experience a physical play outside the comfort zone based on a kink? Or is the motivation to prove something to themselves or others. The latter is a warning sign for me.

Secondarily the type of play and risks associated with it are discussed in-depth. I do my best to assure the other person that while I am experienced and use best practices, there is always risk of injury beyond what was intended, and such injuries can result in a need for medical intervention and possibly extended recovery time. I find it interesting that some folks find such a discussion shocking yet are not at all surprised when a friend or co-worker is injured and misses work due to sports or recreational injuries.

Recently I began playing on a semi-regular basis with someone who was very eager to explore their limits of mental and physical edge play. Before our initial play date I discussed in depth the possible types of play we may engage in, including such things as spanking, paddling, caning, and slapping. We discussed possible risks and I suggested we play on a Friday so that they would have a weekend to recover before work on Monday.

At the end of a moderately heavy play session my new playmate expressed what a good time she had but that she regretted that we has not played harder, and after a few days when the bruises faded she was sad to see them go. I explained that for a first time of play this feeling of wanting more was perfect, but if by the next time we prepared to play she felt she wanted to take things further, we would negotiate for it.

Within a month we were in fact negotiating much heavier physical and psychological play. She confirmed that she wanted to take the level of play much further. Again I watched for signs that this request was based on anything other than a kinky desire to explore limits. As the scheduled time was established I suggested that a weekend would not be enough recovery time and that she should consider taking several days off, which she did. I also asked several times on several days if she understood that the sort of play I had in mind -heavy impact play, including paddles, canes, fists, and well as choking, and intense humiliation and other psychological play- could result in injuries that could result in a need for medical intervention. I made it clear that this was not my intent and I would endeavor to prevent this, but that I did need verbal confirmation that she understood. And she did.

The planned date came and play proceeded as I intended. It was intense, and exciting, but also fun and fulfilling for both parties. There was bruising, welts, and even a bit of localized bleeding. There were no injuries that required more than a bit of cleanup and some aftercare. Both were provided.

In a gesture of celebration of the play we both made some photos of the resulting damage available through several social media outlets, that day and the following.

There were of course the expected exclamations of shock, and some of envy. A wide range of response is expected when pictures like this are presented to an audience of mixed experience, and we appreciated all the comments.

What happened in the ensuing days is what is very interesting. A vanilla-ish friend of my play partner discovered the photos and was shocked and unhappy about them. This was an unfortunate outcome. However what I find intriguing are the “Kink Friendly” folks that in the following days expressed privately and semi-publicly to my playmate that they were concerned for her welfare and safety. And this is not the first time I have experienced this. I truly question the motivation of these folks, but more important I think is the point that other folks are not party to the negotiation between play partners and should not presume to know anything about what was involved in the consent to such play.

I think such inquiries serve to undermine the confidence that a bottom has in their decision to trust a Dom/Top even after the fact.

In truth “Informed Consent” is formed between play partners and is the basis of ethical BDSM play. I feel fortunate to live in a State where one person can consent to trust their safety to the skill and instincts of a partner or partners.

Tags: Consent, Impact

This Isn’t Play. . . BDSM and Rape

If ever there has been a dichotomy of a term; Rape in BDSM is a shining example. The very basic principle that we hold so dear in BDSM play, “Nothing without consent” seems to stand in stark contrast to a very common form of play, “Rape Play”.

Originally when this post started to form in my head almost two weeks ago I had no intention to mention rape play. In fact I had fully intended to avoid the subject entirely. This was to be a conversation about negotiation and consent, and players who exceeded limits of their partners. That changed however when I was having a conversation with a kink interested vanilla friend this weekend. After a little lubrication from alcohol he mentioned that he wished he could find someone to trust enough to share his sexual fantasies. After some questioning he gave some detail about what he was interested in and I responded that what he was talking about was rape play. His shocked look obviously required that I explain in detail the concepts of negotiation and “consensual non-consent”.

Of course I explained with some arrogance how BDSM practitioners negotiated hard limits and used things such as safe words and safe calls so that fantasies like rape could be played out safely between consenting partners. But in the back of my mind was the shadow of the stories that had been related to me recently about limits overrun in play and the frequency of which it occurs.

There seems to be few limits ripe for negotiation and consideration quite as clear as anal penetration. For both Tops and bottoms there seems to rarely be grey area on this subject. There is a tendency to either love it or hate it, and there are many different reasons for this on both sides, ranging from anatomy to personal trauma or upbringing. But it seems that rarely is anyone ambivalent about anal sex. However like any physical interaction between humans the default must go to the person who wishes the least contact. This is why we negotiate. Since someone who is very close to me has anal penetration as likely her hardest limit I am quite familiar with how this negotiation is handled. “I Don’t Do Anal. Do not even think of going there” is the most common verbiage.

Yet within two weeks I had two stories of violation of this limit related to me by the victims and many more related to me as second hand accounts. I have received permission to identify this first victim but I have decided that I will not.

My desire to go places that I have not been before was a much more powerful force than the good sense portion of my brain.

I met him on-line, a very innocuous, non-dating, non-sexual site.  We talked for two days – only two days and the attraction was mutual.  He told me things I wanted to hear.  Things that my very inexperienced self thought were the right things.  I wanted him to be the Dom that I had been looking for.  Wanted it so badly that I stopped thinking.

There was zero negotiation other then telling him that I would not allow myself to be bound and anal was off limits.  Despite me saying and telling him a safe word, I failed to make sure he understood, accepted and would honor it.  I also failed to make sure there was a safe call to a trusted person in place and he never asked or insisted upon either.  Which should have been a screaming red flag for me.

The more I watched and listened to his actions, I realized he had no clue what it meant to be a top or a Dom but by then the clothes were off and I felt it was too late.  I knew there was something terribly wrong even before I said ‘no’ but when I repeatedly said/screamed ‘no’ and used the safe word that I had suggested, I knew that I was in trouble and there was going to be no turning back. He did not stop and I was powerless to make him.

When he was finished, there was no doubt in my mind that I had been raped but I expect there was tremendous doubt in his.  There was no conversation; I did not leave the bed, I did not see him out.  I just asked him to leave and I never spoke to him again.

The second victim – who is very young and was new to play at the time – told me that person she was with was a very experienced Dom and she trusted him completely. The subject of anal sex had come up before and she told him that she had never tried but would consider it at a later time when she was more comfortable. After some play and while her hands and feet were bound to a headboard above  her he began with vaginal intercourse, when it became apparent he was near orgasm he abruptly and without warning entered her anally, ejaculated, and withdrew. His explanation was it suddenly occurred to him that they were not protected against pregnancy. He unbound her and then left her alone while he cleaned up and then left.

These are examples that are very clear, this is rape. Quite frankly if you disagree you and I have little to talk about. However when does a violated limit become rape? Is it rape if someone expresses a limit against ejaculating on their face and it is violated? If someone is bound and pissed on after negotiating no watersports?  Being called a filthy cunt when Humiliation has been excluded? When is an exceeded limit rape? My arrogance tells me always, however I wonder if I have, or could ever unintentionally dip a toe over a foul line. Am I then guilty of moral or criminal violation? I simply do not know.

When I was seeking input on this subject I consulted with @jewelgen. I asked, If you were penetrated anally by a partner during a scene while bound (this or a gun are the only ways this particular limit could EVER be violated) how would you react? Her response was that eventually she would have to be unbound and then there would be hell to pay, I know there would. However my second question was not so quickly answered. “Would you report it”? She said that she would, but I pressed her further. “Knowing what we know about how police and District Attorneys handle rape cases, would you expose yourself to that and try to explain the line when extreme sexual play and bondage crossed from consensual to rape”? She thought some more and as I expected said she would. An even bigger question emerges though when you mix the desire to protect the practice of BDSM and the community from the scrutiny of the legal and vanilla world.

In a conversation about this with someone who is a BDSM educator I was at first surprised with their anger at non-reporting  victims of BDSM related rapes, especially in the name of protecting the community. But her point rings very true. It is this silence that perpetrators feed on. I personally am torn and cannot say what is right for anyone.

The first victim I mentioned had this to say on the subject of reporting;

I never felt as though I wanted or needed to press charges.  While I did absolutely feel violated and wronged, I also felt I had some culpability.  Not guilt, but some responsibility.  I knew that my lack of experience, my severe lack of judgment and the powerful force that is desire, impacted my decision making and most definitely influenced the way the evening went.

I do NOT recommend, would never suggest or even condone the same actions I took in the days after.  As a matter of fact, if in a place of giving advice to someone this happened to, I would almost insist on them calling the police.  So please do not take my tale as the “right” way to do things.  It was my way, it worked for me and ultimately, I do believe that I learned more from the experience then what I was harmed.

I wonder everyday if I did the right thing by not reporting, if he knew what he was doing, if he knowingly took advantage of me, or if he was also as inexperienced as I was.  The wonder provides me measures of caution that help with my current decision making which I clearly lacked before.  Although not certain that without this happening to me I would have remained so unguarded, this certainly accelerated much needed vigilant behavior.  For that, I am thankful.

Like so many subjects that I discuss, I am not quite so egotistical as to suggest I have answers to these dilemmas. I ask you the readers and the community for your input and discussion.

I do know this. Consent and negotiation are what provide the safety net to explore our deepest fantasies, without them we would be relegated to missionary sex only for the purpose of procreation.

Tags: Anal, Consent, Limits, Negotiation, Rape

Confidence and Broken Fingers

Confidence, knowledge, and intuition. These three things may be what make me what I am. A Dom. A Sexually Dominant Male. I am also a Sexual Sadist. Whether these two are interdependent on each other is debatable. But I do know that without knowledge and intuition I cannot have confidence and confidence is the flag I fly that lets submissives know that I can and will deliver the experience they are looking for.

This is a story of how my confidence nearly failed.

Jewelgen and I had not had an opportunity to play for quite a while. We have teenagers and playing hard while they are in the house simply isn’t an option. An opportunity came up that both the teens would be gone for the weekend and we decided that this would be a very good opportunity to play hard and push in areas we had not explored together.

Our play started slow as we eased away from out equal roles as mates and into our play roles as Dom and submissive. I started with some light spanking and eased into some nipple torture. The progress of the scene was exactly as I hoped and Jewelgen was moving steadily into a subspace. I knew we would be able to move into some bondage and impact play at the rate things were progressing so I ordered her to her knees and blindfolded her with an ace bandage.

I brought out my coils of hemp rope and began by tying her wrists behind her back in an overlapping fashion and tied a harness on her torso so I could pull her hands upward behind her back. From there I began increasing the tit torture and alternated between spanking her tits and ass. All of the signs of deepening subspace that I wanted showed themselves. Her breathing slowed and became steady, she was aware but subdued and accepting the play with an obvious gratefulness.

I continued to change up the play slowly increasing the intensity and mixing in stimulation of her pussy. She reached orgasm several times and I knew my objective was in site. I had wanted to cane her for quite some time, and while we had done some light tapping I wanted to mark her. To see the welts rise on her ass and to hear her gasp from the blows. I tapped for quite some time on her ass and thighs and was beginning to prepare her for “Counting” a favorite game of mine. During impact play I like to give the sub a number, like 10. I tell them that I will be delivering the given number of blows, however they will be responsible for only counting the truly “good” blows, and if they count ones I deem to soft then I will decide which ones get counted.

I noticed though that her shoulders appeared to be uncomfortable and so I released the arms and wrists slightly to allow her some relief. And then I made my second mistake. I removed her blindfold. It had been my intention to do the counting game a little differently. I usually build in intensity but I was going to start of with a very serious blow. She had been quite warmed up and I relished in the surprise of the stinging cane strike on the first count.

I brought my arm with my Rattan Cane back to swing and released. *This is when the movie switches to slow motion* As I swung the cane I saw what was happening but had fully committed to this blow and simply could not stop. Jewelgen had seen the motion of my arm out of the corner of her eye and instinctively dipped her now barely bound hands in front of her ass. Thwack, the cane landed across the knuckle side of 8 fingers. She screamed in agony and I knew instantly that I had broken her fingers. I untied her quickly and got Ice bags and Ibuprofen and set her on the bed. I held her and apologized and I knew I had made a horrible mistake that we would never recover from.

But this is not the nature of my wife. The fingers were not broken. Enormous hematomas appeared on one hand and smaller ones on the other. I held her for hours and apologized profusely. She had to make up some clever stories to explain her fingers at work but she recovered. But, I seriously wondered if I would. This was my fault. I had failed. My knowledge and intuition had not told me that this would happen. How could I trust myself? How could I be confident? Without confidence, could I be a Dom? My God what would Jay Wiseman say?

I struggled with this for quite some time. I played, but it was more subdued. Then the answer came from a very odd place. We attended a class on CBT at the local dungeon and during the class the presenter said “If you don’t make mistakes you aren’t playing hard enough and you are short changing your bottom”. Jay Wiseman snorted. But I thought about what he said, and he was right. My biggest mistake had been not expecting to make mistakes. My knowledge and intuition prepare me to help reduce mistakes and to react quickly and correctly when I do.

Jewelgen has recovered well and generally trusts me in play. I have come back even more confident than before and confidence is what I breathe. I am a Dom.

Tags: BDSM, Canes, Confidence

Safe Call

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who is a submissive woman regarding playdate safety. More specifically personal safety when meeting a play partner for the first time.

The conversation started like this;

Friend: I am meeting “X Dominant” to play for the first time. “X” lives several hours away and I am driving to meet him.

Me: Do you have a safecall in place?

Friend: No, I feel like that is rude

*Cue sound of screeching brakes and breaking glass*

Me: WTF???

This is of course a paraphrasing of the conversation but for purposes of discussion relatively accurate. It is also something I feel very strongly about. I am a firm believer in safecalls. I just don’t believe that just because someone says all the right “Lifestyle” things that they are not potentially an abusive or even murderous asshole. I also don’t believe that several days, weeks, or months of conversation will reveal these tendencies in a prospective play partner.

When Jewelgen plays with a new partner we have a multiple call system in place. If she is traveling to play she calls me when she arrives at the destination and then at regular intervals she calls or texts. We use every two hours. She makes this known to the person she is meeting. We also have code words that will seem very natural in conversation but would indicate to me that there is a problem and she is under duress. Making the need for the call(s) immediately known to the partner makes the use of code words possible.

But a part of the conversation with my friend that I think is key is the part where she says that she thinks using one is rude. I feel exactly the opposite. Jewelgen and I both feel that if mentioning that you are using a safecall raises any concern or offends a potential play partner there is only one solution, RUN!! But seriously this is a good sign that the person potentially has bad intent.

I want to add one other perspective. I think a potential sub indicating to me that they intend to use a safe call tells me that this is a person who puts much thought to their safety which in my book means they value themselves, which in turn makes me want to value them that much more.

Now before you ask “Do you use a safecall?” The answer is Yes and No. It is unlikely that anyone I would play with would ever be able to overpower me with anything short of a firearm, and at that point even a safecall is not going to save me. However, as part of the general respect I try to show for Jewelgen, I would not go an extended amount of time without contacting her.

The downside is that like any safety procedure overly depending on a safecall and not keeping your wits about you to some degree can be dangerous in itself.

Dating a new person can be dangerous, whether it Vanilla or Kinky dating. Look out for yourself.

Tags: BDSM, Date, SafeCall, Safety