Saynine

Informed Consent

Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to the idea of “Informed Consent” and the role it plays in BDSM play and negotiation.

I think a majority of BDSM players, at least those who participate in any heavy physical play at all, have come to realize that the idea of the acronym SSC “Safe, Sane and Consensual” was a good term to create spin against a growing fear of SM that was growing in the 80′s. However, to classify much of what we do as “safe” or “sane” is counterproductive to informed negotiation.

More recently the acronym RACK or Risk Aware Consensual Kink has come to better describe the concept behind ethical BDSM play. And this is the jumping off point for what I want to discuss.

If you follow me on twitter, or some of my play partners you may be aware that I sometimes engage in very heavy impact play, and other “edge play” that can result in very obvious marking of the sub or bottom. As empathetic humans our brains often trigger a response of sympathy towards the “victim” of such play, and anger or disgust at the perpetrator of such “abuse”. What is not often clear is the extensive exchange of information and consent involved in the prior negotiation of such play.

As a Dom/Top negotiating such play, the very first thing I try to determine in the motivation of a partner interested in participating in such play. Is there a deep desire to experience a physical play outside the comfort zone based on a kink? Or is the motivation to prove something to themselves or others. The latter is a warning sign for me.

Secondarily the type of play and risks associated with it are discussed in-depth. I do my best to assure the other person that while I am experienced and use best practices, there is always risk of injury beyond what was intended, and such injuries can result in a need for medical intervention and possibly extended recovery time. I find it interesting that some folks find such a discussion shocking yet are not at all surprised when a friend or co-worker is injured and misses work due to sports or recreational injuries.

Recently I began playing on a semi-regular basis with someone who was very eager to explore their limits of mental and physical edge play. Before our initial play date I discussed in depth the possible types of play we may engage in, including such things as spanking, paddling, caning, and slapping. We discussed possible risks and I suggested we play on a Friday so that they would have a weekend to recover before work on Monday.

At the end of a moderately heavy play session my new playmate expressed what a good time she had but that she regretted that we has not played harder, and after a few days when the bruises faded she was sad to see them go. I explained that for a first time of play this feeling of wanting more was perfect, but if by the next time we prepared to play she felt she wanted to take things further, we would negotiate for it.

Within a month we were in fact negotiating much heavier physical and psychological play. She confirmed that she wanted to take the level of play much further. Again I watched for signs that this request was based on anything other than a kinky desire to explore limits. As the scheduled time was established I suggested that a weekend would not be enough recovery time and that she should consider taking several days off, which she did. I also asked several times on several days if she understood that the sort of play I had in mind -heavy impact play, including paddles, canes, fists, and well as choking, and intense humiliation and other psychological play- could result in injuries that could result in a need for medical intervention. I made it clear that this was not my intent and I would endeavor to prevent this, but that I did need verbal confirmation that she understood. And she did.

The planned date came and play proceeded as I intended. It was intense, and exciting, but also fun and fulfilling for both parties. There was bruising, welts, and even a bit of localized bleeding. There were no injuries that required more than a bit of cleanup and some aftercare. Both were provided.

In a gesture of celebration of the play we both made some photos of the resulting damage available through several social media outlets, that day and the following.

There were of course the expected exclamations of shock, and some of envy. A wide range of response is expected when pictures like this are presented to an audience of mixed experience, and we appreciated all the comments.

What happened in the ensuing days is what is very interesting. A vanilla-ish friend of my play partner discovered the photos and was shocked and unhappy about them. This was an unfortunate outcome. However what I find intriguing are the “Kink Friendly” folks that in the following days expressed privately and semi-publicly to my playmate that they were concerned for her welfare and safety. And this is not the first time I have experienced this. I truly question the motivation of these folks, but more important I think is the point that other folks are not party to the negotiation between play partners and should not presume to know anything about what was involved in the consent to such play.

I think such inquiries serve to undermine the confidence that a bottom has in their decision to trust a Dom/Top even after the fact.

In truth “Informed Consent” is formed between play partners and is the basis of ethical BDSM play. I feel fortunate to live in a State where one person can consent to trust their safety to the skill and instincts of a partner or partners.

Tags: Consent, Impact

This Isn’t Play. . . BDSM and Rape

If ever there has been a dichotomy of a term; Rape in BDSM is a shining example. The very basic principle that we hold so dear in BDSM play, “Nothing without consent” seems to stand in stark contrast to a very common form of play, “Rape Play”.

Originally when this post started to form in my head almost two weeks ago I had no intention to mention rape play. In fact I had fully intended to avoid the subject entirely. This was to be a conversation about negotiation and consent, and players who exceeded limits of their partners. That changed however when I was having a conversation with a kink interested vanilla friend this weekend. After a little lubrication from alcohol he mentioned that he wished he could find someone to trust enough to share his sexual fantasies. After some questioning he gave some detail about what he was interested in and I responded that what he was talking about was rape play. His shocked look obviously required that I explain in detail the concepts of negotiation and “consensual non-consent”.

Of course I explained with some arrogance how BDSM practitioners negotiated hard limits and used things such as safe words and safe calls so that fantasies like rape could be played out safely between consenting partners. But in the back of my mind was the shadow of the stories that had been related to me recently about limits overrun in play and the frequency of which it occurs.

There seems to be few limits ripe for negotiation and consideration quite as clear as anal penetration. For both Tops and bottoms there seems to rarely be grey area on this subject. There is a tendency to either love it or hate it, and there are many different reasons for this on both sides, ranging from anatomy to personal trauma or upbringing. But it seems that rarely is anyone ambivalent about anal sex. However like any physical interaction between humans the default must go to the person who wishes the least contact. This is why we negotiate. Since someone who is very close to me has anal penetration as likely her hardest limit I am quite familiar with how this negotiation is handled. “I Don’t Do Anal. Do not even think of going there” is the most common verbiage.

Yet within two weeks I had two stories of violation of this limit related to me by the victims and many more related to me as second hand accounts. I have received permission to identify this first victim but I have decided that I will not.

My desire to go places that I have not been before was a much more powerful force than the good sense portion of my brain.

I met him on-line, a very innocuous, non-dating, non-sexual site.  We talked for two days – only two days and the attraction was mutual.  He told me things I wanted to hear.  Things that my very inexperienced self thought were the right things.  I wanted him to be the Dom that I had been looking for.  Wanted it so badly that I stopped thinking.

There was zero negotiation other then telling him that I would not allow myself to be bound and anal was off limits.  Despite me saying and telling him a safe word, I failed to make sure he understood, accepted and would honor it.  I also failed to make sure there was a safe call to a trusted person in place and he never asked or insisted upon either.  Which should have been a screaming red flag for me.

The more I watched and listened to his actions, I realized he had no clue what it meant to be a top or a Dom but by then the clothes were off and I felt it was too late.  I knew there was something terribly wrong even before I said ‘no’ but when I repeatedly said/screamed ‘no’ and used the safe word that I had suggested, I knew that I was in trouble and there was going to be no turning back. He did not stop and I was powerless to make him.

When he was finished, there was no doubt in my mind that I had been raped but I expect there was tremendous doubt in his.  There was no conversation; I did not leave the bed, I did not see him out.  I just asked him to leave and I never spoke to him again.

The second victim – who is very young and was new to play at the time – told me that person she was with was a very experienced Dom and she trusted him completely. The subject of anal sex had come up before and she told him that she had never tried but would consider it at a later time when she was more comfortable. After some play and while her hands and feet were bound to a headboard above  her he began with vaginal intercourse, when it became apparent he was near orgasm he abruptly and without warning entered her anally, ejaculated, and withdrew. His explanation was it suddenly occurred to him that they were not protected against pregnancy. He unbound her and then left her alone while he cleaned up and then left.

These are examples that are very clear, this is rape. Quite frankly if you disagree you and I have little to talk about. However when does a violated limit become rape? Is it rape if someone expresses a limit against ejaculating on their face and it is violated? If someone is bound and pissed on after negotiating no watersports?  Being called a filthy cunt when Humiliation has been excluded? When is an exceeded limit rape? My arrogance tells me always, however I wonder if I have, or could ever unintentionally dip a toe over a foul line. Am I then guilty of moral or criminal violation? I simply do not know.

When I was seeking input on this subject I consulted with @jewelgen. I asked, If you were penetrated anally by a partner during a scene while bound (this or a gun are the only ways this particular limit could EVER be violated) how would you react? Her response was that eventually she would have to be unbound and then there would be hell to pay, I know there would. However my second question was not so quickly answered. “Would you report it”? She said that she would, but I pressed her further. “Knowing what we know about how police and District Attorneys handle rape cases, would you expose yourself to that and try to explain the line when extreme sexual play and bondage crossed from consensual to rape”? She thought some more and as I expected said she would. An even bigger question emerges though when you mix the desire to protect the practice of BDSM and the community from the scrutiny of the legal and vanilla world.

In a conversation about this with someone who is a BDSM educator I was at first surprised with their anger at non-reporting  victims of BDSM related rapes, especially in the name of protecting the community. But her point rings very true. It is this silence that perpetrators feed on. I personally am torn and cannot say what is right for anyone.

The first victim I mentioned had this to say on the subject of reporting;

I never felt as though I wanted or needed to press charges.  While I did absolutely feel violated and wronged, I also felt I had some culpability.  Not guilt, but some responsibility.  I knew that my lack of experience, my severe lack of judgment and the powerful force that is desire, impacted my decision making and most definitely influenced the way the evening went.

I do NOT recommend, would never suggest or even condone the same actions I took in the days after.  As a matter of fact, if in a place of giving advice to someone this happened to, I would almost insist on them calling the police.  So please do not take my tale as the “right” way to do things.  It was my way, it worked for me and ultimately, I do believe that I learned more from the experience then what I was harmed.

I wonder everyday if I did the right thing by not reporting, if he knew what he was doing, if he knowingly took advantage of me, or if he was also as inexperienced as I was.  The wonder provides me measures of caution that help with my current decision making which I clearly lacked before.  Although not certain that without this happening to me I would have remained so unguarded, this certainly accelerated much needed vigilant behavior.  For that, I am thankful.

Like so many subjects that I discuss, I am not quite so egotistical as to suggest I have answers to these dilemmas. I ask you the readers and the community for your input and discussion.

I do know this. Consent and negotiation are what provide the safety net to explore our deepest fantasies, without them we would be relegated to missionary sex only for the purpose of procreation.

Tags: Anal, Consent, Limits, Negotiation, Rape

Drop and Aftercare, A Discussion

A Dominant that I know was telling me she was not feeling very “up” when I was talking to her recently. Now while I know she has a lot going on in her life I also knew she had played several times in one night just a few nights previous. I asked her if Top drop could have been contributing to her low spirits. When she asked what I was talking about it got me thinking about how often I had heard; “What is Top Drop?” or “What is sub drop”. Often when I hear this the speaker has heard of one but not the other.  It also got me considering the role of aftercare in combating or minimizing Drop.

I am not qualified to discuss all of the medical reasons for psychological drop, but my understanding is that it is at least partially caused by the evacuation or absence after the fact of chemicals the brain uses to cope with situations of stress. Drop is experienced by athletes and adventurers, as well as many other people after high stress situations. Have you ever gotten very high from an emergency like a car accident, only to find the following days that you have a feeling of being adrift?

While a Top and a bottom in BDSM experience different stress triggers and excitements, both produce body responses that brain must process and recover from. Whether it is a physical scene or a psychological one, the top receives pleasure while exerting emotional and mental control while the bottom produces chemical reactions to protect from the full effects of the treatment they are receiving.

But there are also very psychological components to Drop. Whether they be feelings of abandonment, being off balance, or simply wondering about their worth, a bottom has many emotions to process in the days following a heavy scene. » Read the full post

Tags: aftercare, bottom, Dominant, drop, Masochist, Sadist, submissive, Top

Keep Your Ejaculate Out Of My Cocktail

I was recently looking at the website for a dungeon about 3000 miles awayfrom my home. The location is someplace I hope to travel to at some point. In looking through the various information I came a cross the FAQ. Listed were standard items like membership costs and dress code. Then I came across something that made my jaw drop.

What kinds of play don’t you allow?

No scat please. It’s messy.
No male ejaculation please. It’s messy.
No female ejaculation please. It’s messy.
No sex. It CAN be messy, but mostly it just treads a line that we’re not quite comfortable with.

Ok hold that phone. First, am I to understand that they object to sex and ejaculate for the same reasons the object to scat?

Reading this lead me to comment on twitter and of course lead to a much larger conversation. Sex in the Dungeon. I know it can be a legal issue in some states but barring that why would you exclude it?

I know that there are folks that would argue that BDSM can be gratifying without sex but I have long wondered if there is more going on there. I mean the concept of kinky implies sex, or at least sexual contact and gratification. That is not to say that I have not played a scene without genital contact. I have and will likely do it again. Not that the scene was not fun, but it frankly lacked certain satisfaction for me. By satisfaction I am not referring to my own orgasm, but completeness to the scene.

Personally I use sexual stimulation often as a balance to the pain I am inflicting. One of the people I was chatting with on Twitter asked; What if a submissive or bottom orgasms involuntarily from pain play? Would they be in violation of this dungeon’s rules?

Of course my perspective is from someone who discovered their kinky self through sex, so separating kink from sex is nearly impossible for me.

In the San Francisco Bay Area we have two major dungeons. One, in San Francisco I like to think of as our home dungeon, as it was the first dungeon we ever played publicly. If you ask the regulars and the operators of the dungeon, sex and sexual contact is welcome, although I would say that in the many times I have played there I have only see intercourse once and there was much talk about the participants in the following days. I have used sexual stimulation and orgasm many times in this dungeon but would unlikely ever feel comfortable enough to ejaculate.

There is another dungeon in the Bay Area which I have only played at once but enjoyed quite a bit. I am told it is affectionately referred to by folks that play there as “The place people go to fuck”. I did not have a chance but would say I would be quite comfortable having sex there.

The conversation on twitter moved to regular public play parties in Michigan and that sex is not allowed as well as genital or female nipple nudity. However alcohol is served at many of the public parties. It was also suggested that parties at which alcohol was not served did not survive due to low attendance.

I have to say that my reaction is stunned. I am a person who enjoys a drink, and sometimes more than one, but in my opinion alcohol and play do not mix. How can I trust that the bottom I am playing with can look after themselves if they have half a buzz? Inversely, how can a bottom trust that a top is in tune with all the subtleties of play required of them when they may not be able to legally operate a vehicle?

Both of these variations fascinate me but not enough that I would likely consider playing in either of these circumstances.

Tags: Alcohol, Cocktails, Dungeon, Ejaculate, Messy, Play, Scat, Sex

Anatomy of a Mindfuck

Despite my imposing physical presence one of my favorite forms of play exists only on a cerebral level. Things said and unsaid leading up to and during a scene can have far more impact that any blow from a quirt or flogger. The results of a well played Mindfuck can be devastatingly beautiful.

In my youth I discovered I could use my intelligence to manipulate those around me, both my peers and adults. I wish I could say I used this power for good but that simply wasn’t the case. I found that by making simple statements that communicated a shell of an idea and then leaving much unspoken I could lead the listener to fill in the blanks with thought that were worse than anything I could dream up.

When I met Jewelgen I found someone who was not fond of manipulation in daily life and called me on it until I nearly broke the habit.

Several years ago I was reading a book by John and Libby Warren titled “The Loving Dominant”. I got to a section titled “Mindfuck”, when I read this chapter the heavens opened up and trumpets played. The author described using disinformation and half formed information to create excitement in your partner.  He described a scene in which a partner had been begging for a brand and he was not willing to give it to her but decided to use this idea to build an elaborate Mindfuck. He used a setup that would be used for branding and set the scene as if that is exactly what he was going to do. Using ritual to increase the anticipation he eventually blindfolded the bottom and continued building her anticipation until he eventually placed ice against her skin and the resulting shock from the sensation convinced her that she was being branded, which resulted in an amazingly orgasmic climax.

Trust is the key to a truly successful Mindfuck though. Engendering an enormous level of trust from your partner is absolutely necessary. One of the first things I say to a prospective partner when beginning negotiations for play is “I will never intentionally violate any hard limit you have, even if I lead you to believe I am going to”. I do not make a huge production of mentioning it but I simply include it in conversation. This lays the groundwork for many sorts of games.

I was approached by a submissive woman in a distant city about getting together to play when she would be in my area several weeks later. We began negotiation and I told her I wanted her to surrender control over several parts of her daily routine so she could become familiar with surrendering control to me. We spread negotiations over a week or so and I intentionally mention many things that I knew I would not consider doing in initial play. I also asked about things that I knew would create a bit of fear and worry. I also constantly reassured her that I would not do anything she could not handle and then almost immediately begin the mental pressure again. At one point I told her that “I don not break my toys” which simultaneously reassured her but created the mental image that she would be an object during play. I believe the desired affect was achieved.  When we met to play she was nearly out of her mind with fear and anticipation which set the stage for some very fun play.

However, by far my favorite Mindfuck ever was perpetrated against my favorite play partner, Jewelgen. Many folks assume that Jewelgen and I get to play out elaborate scenes on a regular basis but with a houseful of teens this simply isn’t the case. Often our more elaborate play occurs in public play spaces. Our lives had been particularly busy and we had not played in a while and were both anticipating a weekend that both of our kids would be gone all weekend. As our time grew near I began pouring on the mental pressure, telling her that we were going to play harder than we had ever played and I was going to push all of her limits. Our play started slowly but built up as the time ticked on. I eventually had her bound with her arms behind her and an athletic bandage around her head as a blindfold. I was spanking her and handling her quite rough as she began moving into one of the deeper subspaces I have ever seen her in. I had her on her knees on the floor and bent her over the couch. I filled my hand with lube and spread it on her asshole and whispered in her ear that I was quite tired of her longstanding hard limit on anal penetration and was no longer going to tolerate it. I went on for several minutes like this while she whimpered and I told her she was in no position to argue. She felt my hard cock press against her ass cheeks and I immediately masturbated her pussy until she had a massive orgasm.

Of course I had never intended to violate her limit and I think somewhere she new that was true but in the moment she did not know what to believe and this lead to a state of complete loss of control, which of course is incredibly erotic.

The term Mindfuck has in some circles become synonymous with fucking with someone’s head non-consensually. I think that is the wrong use of the word. Non-consensual equals rape and so I think the proper term for that sort of abuse is Mind-Rape. Fucking is not a negative act so neither should Mindfucking.

Tags: BDSM, Limits, Mindfuck, Negotiation, Trust