Saynine

Polyamory; What If. . . .

After reading The Ethical slut and then passing it on to Jewelgen to read, we realized that at least in some form this idea, Polyamory, was something we had to consider for our own lives. On an intellectual level it made so much sense, but even more importantly that that we both could sense that it fit with what we believed about sex. That it did not have to be related to an emotional attachment. We also knew that as it related to our Kinky lives that moving into the area of other partners would greatly expand our ability to explore.

However, the question of how, and how much to implement into our lives loomed overhead. I think we both feared that our own ideas of where this could lead would frighten the other. So for a time we knew in our head that our future would include some sort of “Poly”, we did not move forward.

That was when we began a mental exercise or game that we call “What if”. We would each bring up scenarios that occurred to us and ask the other one, “What if _____ happened? How would that make you feel?” This discussion could occur at any time but most often happened in the car when driving together or in bed, late at night or on a weekend morning.

We initially agreed to some rules that were comfortable but with the understanding that everything could be discussed. We began to refer to Kink, and Poly as “Our Journey”. That was exactly how we thought of it, as a journey with no particular destination. We decide that for the time, all we were comfortable with was Co-play. That is introducing other partners to play with both of us at the same time. It was simultaneous to this that we were coming out to each other about our attraction to other genders, so this also became part of the “What if” game.

A typical conversation may go something like this;

Me: So what if we were playing with another man and he was going down on you but then sucked my cock?

Jewelgen: Well, you know I like that idea, but I don’t think I would be comfortable with seeing you suck cock.

“What ifs” could sometime be traded back and forth for hours like that, and through this exchange we came to trust that we had a fair idea of what the other found comfortable.

It was during a particularly full weekend of these discussions that Jewelgen came up with a brilliant way to expand the discussion and further address our internal feelings about knowing the other was with someone else. Even though neither of us was comfortable at these early stages with the other having solo intercourse with someone else, we acknowledged that this was a likely eventual outcome. Jewelgen suggested that we each take a day of perusing Fetlife and pick out a top 5 people of each male  and Female that we thought would be likely someone that the other would want to be with. This was an exploration on two levels. It would see how well we understood what the other found attractive and it would force us to think deeper about the idea of the other being with not only someone, but someone the other was very attracted to.

Of course Jewelgen was far better at this than I was but after 24 hours I had done a fair job of picking out some men and women that Jewelgen said she found attractive. A very interesting side note to this particular game is that even though the people we picked were not anyone we had ever had contact with, nor did we anticipate having contact with, and the lists we made we set aside on our desk somewhere. The number one Female that Jewelgen picked for me, and at the time admitted that she had picked because of how much she was attracted to, would through a completely unrelated series of events, become the one person we have opened our relationship to. That is right, almost a year before I would meet IceEmpress on Twitter and flirting would lead to her having dinner with us 3,000 miles from her home. IceEmpress was the person Jewelgen predicted I would find attractive. Of course she was right.

We have in Baby steps and Stutter steps moved far beyond those early stages of exploring Polyamory, however the “What if” game is still played and serves us well.

Tags: Games, Journey, Poly, Polyamory, Questions

If You Breathe and Can Give Consent . . .

When Jewelgen and I decided to explore ideas of being Poly and playing with other people we discussed many different scenarios. It is a comfortable way to work through ideas and fears. We did a lot of “What If” and then answered each other honestly. It was a way to discover each others comfort levels and I think both of us were surprised with how easy it felt.

@jewelgen mentioned that she was interested in exploring with women, and I was not at all surprised. She had never mentioned an interest in Women but I suspected that she was open to the idea.

But nagging in the back of my head was something that I knew we had to talk about. I had realized long before that I was sexually attracted to many different types of folks, including Males, Trans people, and other genders. However I had never expressed this to Jewelgen. It took me a few weeks but I finally told her. I wasn’t worried about her response. I had seen her drooling of gay porn and I knew she had a definite kink for seeing men together.

My concerns when I really thought about it were less tangible, but I think what I felt was that once I put it to words I could no longer deny it. I would never feel OK not being upfront about it after that.

Of course Jewelgen took it as I knew she would, with great support and no concerns.

When I really started thinking about what I was, Bi-Sexual just didn’t seem to describe what I felt like. In my mind Bi-Sexual is someone who bonds emotionally as well as being sexually attracted to males and females. But this didn’t really describe how I felt. While sexually attracted to all genders I do not feel the emotional bond I do with females. A little reading lead me to the term Pansexual . It seemed to encompass my sexual attitude.

At a munch we sometime attend introductions are made around the room. When they get to me I sometimes say “I am a Pansexual Dom, which means if you breathe and can give consent, I will beat you and fuck you”

I am Pan! Io Pan! Io Pan Pan! Pan!
I am thy mate, I am thy man,
Goat of thy flock, I am gold, I am god,
Flesh to thy bone, flower to thy rod.
With hoofs of steel I race on the rocks
Through solstice stubborn to equinox.
I rave; and I rape and I rip and I rend
Everlasting, world without end,
Mannikin, maiden, maenad, man,
In the might of Pan.
Io Pan! Io Pan Pan! Pan! Io Pan!

Excerpt from Hymn To Pan – Aleister Crowley, 1929

Thank you @JustOnyx for the inspiration on the quote

Tags: Bi-Sexual, Gender, Pansexual

A Journey Begins

NOTE: This is a edited and extended version of a Formspring Answer from several weeks ago.

When Jewelgen and I met in 1991 we were both epic sluts. I was in the middle of an ugly divorce and she was young and free. We met at my brother’s house and after a short while of me thinking she was way out of my league we dated for the pure intention of having sex. After a movie date we went back to my house and did just that. We fucked each others brains out. Almost immediately we started spending every free minute together fucking. After a few weeks of this we both realized that we actually enjoyed each others company and wanted to be together. Well I mentioned the idea and Jewelgen called and canceled all of her other action. Mine was easier to cut off as I was more of a find-a-fuck-a-day sort of player.

We both thought at this time that monogamy was what you did when you fell in love and so we proceeded. We eventually married a few years later after the birth of our first child.

We have always engaged in what we came to later realize was called “Take Down” play in the kink world and I have always dominated all of my partners sexually. However we did not know other people did what we did. Quite frankly we thought we were the only ones who did the crazy shit we do. We had very close friends that would not stay at our house because they did not know how to handle the sounds from our bedroom. In retrospect it was a bit nonconsensual to include them in that way.

Then a bit over 3 years ago we found some nipple clamps in a local shop and found that they fit well within what we did and a light bulb went off for both of us.

We then did what we do whenever we find something we love to do, we jumped in with all four feet. We scoured the internet. We attended every class we could find. And we read voraciously.

In our effort to read everything ever published on BDSM I discovered Greenery Press, and purchased a stack of their books at a bookstore and we proceeded to read. When I got to The Ethical Slut I thought it was just another book on Kink. I started reading it and immediately knew I stumbled upon something revolutionary. Now it is important to note that I love to think and consider ideas that are new or different from my own, and at that point that was all it appeared to be. By the time I finished the book I knew it was something I had to show to Jewelgen. Not because I was trying to drag her into the ideas I had read but because I knew she would love to at least read about it also.

When I handed The Ethical Slut to Jewelgen I told her that it was a fascinating book of ideas and I wanted her to read it but not think I was trying to suggest a huge change in our relationship. I also told her I didn’t want to really discuss it until she was done reading. She agreed and read it cover to cover in the next couple of days. We started talking and knew that this was something that made too much sense to ignore. Especially given that we are a couple of ex sluts who have always acknowledged our ability to separate sex and emotion. We have acknowledged for years that if our marriage ever failed we would still get together to fuck.

We laid out a sort of path that began with what we called “Play Poly” and had many rules and it felt very comfortable. We started by introducing “Co-Play”. That is the two of us playing with other individuals or couples, and it went very well. The first time seeing each other interact with other people was a bit jarring but we spent much time talking through each issue and were very successful.

We have had several severe stutter steps, as we like to call it in our Poly Journey, and most all of them come from my moving forward in areas that Jewelgen was not yet comfortable with at the time. I think the most important being my forming an emotional attachment to a third party without Jewelgen’s consent. However Jewelgen has an amazing capacity for forgiveness and we both have a commitment to communications and each other.

One of the most wonderful parts or our journey has been finding our love for Ice_Empress. We would have never thought that we both could become so emotionally invested in other people, much less both of us in one person. However we have and we do not regret it one bit. We hope she is part of our journey and partnership for the future.

(To Be Continued. . . . . )

Tags: BDSM, Monogamy, Poly, Polyamory, Sex, Slut, The Ethical Slut