Saynine

Informed Consent

Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to the idea of “Informed Consent” and the role it plays in BDSM play and negotiation.

I think a majority of BDSM players, at least those who participate in any heavy physical play at all, have come to realize that the idea of the acronym SSC “Safe, Sane and Consensual” was a good term to create spin against a growing fear of SM that was growing in the 80′s. However, to classify much of what we do as “safe” or “sane” is counterproductive to informed negotiation.

More recently the acronym RACK or Risk Aware Consensual Kink has come to better describe the concept behind ethical BDSM play. And this is the jumping off point for what I want to discuss.

If you follow me on twitter, or some of my play partners you may be aware that I sometimes engage in very heavy impact play, and other “edge play” that can result in very obvious marking of the sub or bottom. As empathetic humans our brains often trigger a response of sympathy towards the “victim” of such play, and anger or disgust at the perpetrator of such “abuse”. What is not often clear is the extensive exchange of information and consent involved in the prior negotiation of such play.

As a Dom/Top negotiating such play, the very first thing I try to determine in the motivation of a partner interested in participating in such play. Is there a deep desire to experience a physical play outside the comfort zone based on a kink? Or is the motivation to prove something to themselves or others. The latter is a warning sign for me.

Secondarily the type of play and risks associated with it are discussed in-depth. I do my best to assure the other person that while I am experienced and use best practices, there is always risk of injury beyond what was intended, and such injuries can result in a need for medical intervention and possibly extended recovery time. I find it interesting that some folks find such a discussion shocking yet are not at all surprised when a friend or co-worker is injured and misses work due to sports or recreational injuries.

Recently I began playing on a semi-regular basis with someone who was very eager to explore their limits of mental and physical edge play. Before our initial play date I discussed in depth the possible types of play we may engage in, including such things as spanking, paddling, caning, and slapping. We discussed possible risks and I suggested we play on a Friday so that they would have a weekend to recover before work on Monday.

At the end of a moderately heavy play session my new playmate expressed what a good time she had but that she regretted that we has not played harder, and after a few days when the bruises faded she was sad to see them go. I explained that for a first time of play this feeling of wanting more was perfect, but if by the next time we prepared to play she felt she wanted to take things further, we would negotiate for it.

Within a month we were in fact negotiating much heavier physical and psychological play. She confirmed that she wanted to take the level of play much further. Again I watched for signs that this request was based on anything other than a kinky desire to explore limits. As the scheduled time was established I suggested that a weekend would not be enough recovery time and that she should consider taking several days off, which she did. I also asked several times on several days if she understood that the sort of play I had in mind -heavy impact play, including paddles, canes, fists, and well as choking, and intense humiliation and other psychological play- could result in injuries that could result in a need for medical intervention. I made it clear that this was not my intent and I would endeavor to prevent this, but that I did need verbal confirmation that she understood. And she did.

The planned date came and play proceeded as I intended. It was intense, and exciting, but also fun and fulfilling for both parties. There was bruising, welts, and even a bit of localized bleeding. There were no injuries that required more than a bit of cleanup and some aftercare. Both were provided.

In a gesture of celebration of the play we both made some photos of the resulting damage available through several social media outlets, that day and the following.

There were of course the expected exclamations of shock, and some of envy. A wide range of response is expected when pictures like this are presented to an audience of mixed experience, and we appreciated all the comments.

What happened in the ensuing days is what is very interesting. A vanilla-ish friend of my play partner discovered the photos and was shocked and unhappy about them. This was an unfortunate outcome. However what I find intriguing are the “Kink Friendly” folks that in the following days expressed privately and semi-publicly to my playmate that they were concerned for her welfare and safety. And this is not the first time I have experienced this. I truly question the motivation of these folks, but more important I think is the point that other folks are not party to the negotiation between play partners and should not presume to know anything about what was involved in the consent to such play.

I think such inquiries serve to undermine the confidence that a bottom has in their decision to trust a Dom/Top even after the fact.

In truth “Informed Consent” is formed between play partners and is the basis of ethical BDSM play. I feel fortunate to live in a State where one person can consent to trust their safety to the skill and instincts of a partner or partners.

Tags: Consent, Impact

Confidence and Broken Fingers

Confidence, knowledge, and intuition. These three things may be what make me what I am. A Dom. A Sexually Dominant Male. I am also a Sexual Sadist. Whether these two are interdependent on each other is debatable. But I do know that without knowledge and intuition I cannot have confidence and confidence is the flag I fly that lets submissives know that I can and will deliver the experience they are looking for.

This is a story of how my confidence nearly failed.

Jewelgen and I had not had an opportunity to play for quite a while. We have teenagers and playing hard while they are in the house simply isn’t an option. An opportunity came up that both the teens would be gone for the weekend and we decided that this would be a very good opportunity to play hard and push in areas we had not explored together.

Our play started slow as we eased away from out equal roles as mates and into our play roles as Dom and submissive. I started with some light spanking and eased into some nipple torture. The progress of the scene was exactly as I hoped and Jewelgen was moving steadily into a subspace. I knew we would be able to move into some bondage and impact play at the rate things were progressing so I ordered her to her knees and blindfolded her with an ace bandage.

I brought out my coils of hemp rope and began by tying her wrists behind her back in an overlapping fashion and tied a harness on her torso so I could pull her hands upward behind her back. From there I began increasing the tit torture and alternated between spanking her tits and ass. All of the signs of deepening subspace that I wanted showed themselves. Her breathing slowed and became steady, she was aware but subdued and accepting the play with an obvious gratefulness.

I continued to change up the play slowly increasing the intensity and mixing in stimulation of her pussy. She reached orgasm several times and I knew my objective was in site. I had wanted to cane her for quite some time, and while we had done some light tapping I wanted to mark her. To see the welts rise on her ass and to hear her gasp from the blows. I tapped for quite some time on her ass and thighs and was beginning to prepare her for “Counting” a favorite game of mine. During impact play I like to give the sub a number, like 10. I tell them that I will be delivering the given number of blows, however they will be responsible for only counting the truly “good” blows, and if they count ones I deem to soft then I will decide which ones get counted.

I noticed though that her shoulders appeared to be uncomfortable and so I released the arms and wrists slightly to allow her some relief. And then I made my second mistake. I removed her blindfold. It had been my intention to do the counting game a little differently. I usually build in intensity but I was going to start of with a very serious blow. She had been quite warmed up and I relished in the surprise of the stinging cane strike on the first count.

I brought my arm with my Rattan Cane back to swing and released. *This is when the movie switches to slow motion* As I swung the cane I saw what was happening but had fully committed to this blow and simply could not stop. Jewelgen had seen the motion of my arm out of the corner of her eye and instinctively dipped her now barely bound hands in front of her ass. Thwack, the cane landed across the knuckle side of 8 fingers. She screamed in agony and I knew instantly that I had broken her fingers. I untied her quickly and got Ice bags and Ibuprofen and set her on the bed. I held her and apologized and I knew I had made a horrible mistake that we would never recover from.

But this is not the nature of my wife. The fingers were not broken. Enormous hematomas appeared on one hand and smaller ones on the other. I held her for hours and apologized profusely. She had to make up some clever stories to explain her fingers at work but she recovered. But, I seriously wondered if I would. This was my fault. I had failed. My knowledge and intuition had not told me that this would happen. How could I trust myself? How could I be confident? Without confidence, could I be a Dom? My God what would Jay Wiseman say?

I struggled with this for quite some time. I played, but it was more subdued. Then the answer came from a very odd place. We attended a class on CBT at the local dungeon and during the class the presenter said “If you don’t make mistakes you aren’t playing hard enough and you are short changing your bottom”. Jay Wiseman snorted. But I thought about what he said, and he was right. My biggest mistake had been not expecting to make mistakes. My knowledge and intuition prepare me to help reduce mistakes and to react quickly and correctly when I do.

Jewelgen has recovered well and generally trusts me in play. I have come back even more confident than before and confidence is what I breathe. I am a Dom.

Tags: BDSM, Canes, Confidence

Much Ado About Punching

I was recently asked about punching in play on an anonymous question forum. I believe the question was prompted by some recent mentions of a play date that involved some fist pounding.

The question was this; “For your impact play (as in punching) what medical training have you gone through to perform it safely?”

I think this is an interesting question and due to the nature of the forum I cannot tell if it was posited as a legitimate query of interest or a bit of a snarky jab. But either way I have expanded on my answer here;

The simple answer is NONE! and quite frankly I don’t believe there is any amount of “Training” that can make punching or many other forms of edge play safe. At the same time as someone who spent a substantial part of his first quarter century punching and being punched I wonder if I don’t know more about it than most medical professionals. I have had my nose broken, lower teeth pushed through my lip and I have pissed blood for a week more than one time. I have delivered blows that made men feel like they were in a car wreck. I lived through all of them and learned much from them.

When I truly punch someone it is to either protect myself or punish the recipient, my target exist somewhere behind the body mass I am punching and as my arm is extended it is beginning the reflexive withdraw for the next blow. Would I do this in a scene? Never! Could this be done with any medical safety? Unlikely,and I hope not. This is my weapon and it has served me well. Not to mention that the most likely first target is somewhere on the cranium of my intended recipient.

I started pondering this question when I first had a bottom mention to me that she liked to be punched. I wondered first of all what did she mean by “Punched” and quickly found that what she thought of as punching was far lighter than what I would consider a punch. The play she described and had experienced as well as what I find that many people refer to as punching in a scene I would consider a percussive pounding using my fist. The force of these blows I would say are less than my punch by a magnitude of 5 or more.

Does this pounding carry some medical danger. I would say yes as would any play that can impact or bruise the skin or muscle tissue.

This brings us to the question of SSK (Safe, Sane, Consensual) vs. Rack (Risk Accepted Consensual Kink). In my not so humble opinion Safe is a ludicrous word to use in what we do. If it was safe it would hold little interest for many. Do I do my very best to understand and control the risk associated with what I do, and do I carefully inform my partners as to what I perceive the risk to be and what I will do to mitigate it? Absolutely.

When asked at a recent play party by someone I had agreed to play with if I would include some punching, I clarified that she was referring to the percussive impact using my fists. I find that it is very often the back side of a clenched fist adjacent to the pinky that is very effective. This is commonly referred to as a hammer fist. An advantage of this area is it is mostly muscle tissue without the bony impact of the front of the fist. I also am fond of reaching around the person and using the top of my clenched fist near my thumb. I find that this incorporates the control and dominant positioning associated with “Take Down” as well as a limited impact pounding.

Recently I was asked by a bottom to consider punching her in the stomach hard enough to lift her off off her feet and knock the wind out of her. Am I considering? Yes as a matter of fact I am.

Tags: Impact, Punching, RACK, SSK, Training