Saynine

Selfish

I am a selfish individual.

It is true. I am very good at providing an appearance of a very self-confident and strong person, but there is someone who has to see another side of me. Someone who is always there at my darkest hour and loves me in spite of my many failings. Someone who I have taken so much from, and gotten so good at taking from that I fail to even recognize how much I take.

This is not a post looking for condolence or congratulations, and will likely be the most rambling and possibly incoherent essay I have ever posted to these pages. It is a confession and self-realization that is spilling out of me as I think it. Of course even that is selfish by it’s nature.

I present to the world what I think will benefit me the most. That which I think will support my domly persona, and some sort of master of polyamory. Of course it is easy to pontificate about polyamory and compersion when things are working out exactly how you hope, when every scenario fits your expectations.

But how impressive is it to fold like a house of cards when things do not fit your expectations? How absolutely selfish is it to spill your darkest thoughts and insecurities on the one who has traveled the very hardest road with you, all in the name of open communication? I have infected the very happiness that I so boldly and publicly claimed to want for this amazing person with the creeping doubt, created with vile words that I can never take back. Is there any more selfish act than to take and take, to use to prop my own fragile ego, then when they find some exquisite joy, taint it with thoughts that should never be shared.

I have asked her to be proud of me when there is little to take pride in myself. To smile and tell the world how lucky she is when It is I who have always been the beneficiary of her patience.

The simple truth is sometimes we have a responsibility to put on a happy fucking face and support the one who has supported us. But takers like myself see only as far as our own needs. I know this sounds morose, but I have done much I am not proud of.

There is a part of me that wonders if even posting this is a continuation of a pattern. Am I seeking absolution and hoping that she will read this and tell me that it is ok, that my behavior is not as bad as I now see it to be? There is another part of me that hopes that maybe in her busy life she will not even read this. it will just slip by unnoticed.

The most important question I can ask now is how do I change my patterns. How can I be the partner and friend that she has always been to me? I don’t have all the answers but I do know that I pledge to myself to be someone who she can be proud of. Not a pride to be spoken to the world, but the kind of private pride that makes your heart swell. Someone with whom she can always look forward to sharing her fears and insecurities. I have made a private list of goals that no one including her will ever see. This is a list of ways that I can break old habits and be what I have so longed lead others to believe I am. To look at myself in the mirror and not see a selfish man staring back at me.

If you do find this. If you happen upon this. Know that I will always fall down, but it is for you that I will pick myself up. I love you.

Tags: Confidence, Introspection, Polyamory, Selfish

Is Kink a Choice?

The Beautiful Dimming Light

JewelGen having a bit of a test run with the choking collar

I have always loved choking partners. Whether it be to full unconsciousness or simply the installing of fear and exerting control. And while it is one of the most controversial forms of edge play I believe that it can a beautiful form of play between informed partners, And while I have linked here to one of the most vocal detractors of “Breath Play”, I simply do not agree with his global condemnation of it.

When I refer to choking in this essay, I am actually referring to control of a partner by hands or arm holds on the throat, and the actual process of causing a partner to become unconscious by temporarily restricting blood flow to the brain. Also known as a “Blood Choke“. I will not instruct on how to perform such acts here.

Choking was one of my very earliest expressions of kink. In my early teens i put my hands on the throat of a girl that I was fucking and squeezed. I had no instruction as to prior consent for such acts, only consent for sex itself. I am quite fortunate in that the girl enjoyed this and did in fact consent. This desire to choke is something I have carried and often struggled with for now over 30 years.

I have in the last few years added in using my belt for this play, and even more recently acquired a choking collar that has an additional leather flap that eliminates the pesky problem of skin being pulled into the buckle.

I have wondered what it was like for the other partner. What they feel. Some show fear. But recently I have started playing with a partner that shows no fear. I have referred to her as “Cat Allergy Girl” on twitter because4 her allergies and my pet ownership were an initial partnership. But her Fetlife name is Purple_Platypus. PP recently wrote a short essay on how it feels to be choked out, after a play session in which I choked her unconscious six times in less than two hours.

Choking, I like it. I like to see the world dim, feel the humming in my ears, the tingle of my fingers. I like to watch him, look him in the eyes as he chokes the light out of mine. I don’t fight it, I welcome it. I think I smile, but it’s hard to tell. I’m busy feeling. I don’t struggle, I just let it come. The darkness. It slips in from the corners, you don’t notice it at first, but then it’s like looking through a tunnel. I focus on his eyes, he’s a little fuzzy now. I hear the hum starting, I feel it in my head. Now my hands tingle, it won’t be long now it’s like looking through a pinhole, the darkness is swallowing me up. I’m not afraid. I let it swallow me whole and all the lights went out.

The second act;

I hear something, what is it? And why do my arms tingle? I like it, I’m still in the dark, I can’t see, but I can feel. It feels like the hum in my ears is running electricity through my body. No pain, just tingles. Gently I begin to remember, I come out of the dark and what I feel is joy. No fear, no worry, no stress, no pain, no thiught, just joy. I can see his eyes now, he’s been watching the light come back in my eyes. I smile or maybe I was already smiling.

Her conclusion;

I know it not the last time I’ll watch the lights go out.

I hope you enjoy this peek from the other side as much as I did.

Please do not participate in any play that both or all partners are not well aware of, and consent to the risks associated. I have been successfully choking people for years, and PP has been participating in Judo for years, she has been choked out many times in her Judo practice.

Tags: BDSM, Breath Play, Choking, Consent, Play, RACK, Top, Trust

Return of the Mindfuck

My birthday was to be a complete surprise. Jewelgen, Ice_Empress, and Winsome_Gypsy had apparently been conspiring for some time to give a dominant sadist the very best birthday possible. I was lead to believe I would be leaving for a weekend away with Jewelgen to a destination unknown. I was instead driven to a local luxury hotel were the other two girls were waiting to help deliver to me a night of service and play.

Nothing had gone unplanned. my favorite food and drink were waiting and the girls beautifully waiting in accenting lingerie. Things started off very relaxing, but of course proceeded to play. There was all that you would expect when a sadist is given free reign with three beautiful women. There was foot worship, Violet Wand play, some fantastic takedown play between Jewelgen and me, as well as some spanking for all.

My harder play attention turned to Winsome_Gypsy as the two other girls watched with glee. I had been spanking her and choking her quite soundly when she began to slip into a beautiful subspace. Then I began playing one of my favorite games with Gypsy. I pulled my folding knife from my pocket and began tracing lines on her back, and then reaching from behind, her front. I have to tell you that Gypsy is terrified of my knife, and especially when it comes to her nipples. Even though she has incredible trust for me, she has a deep seeded fear of losing her nipples. my knife is very sharp, even on the tip, but I am very careful and adept with it. I use it to scratch but never cut deeply. But no matter. It’s mere presence drives Gypsy into a headspace to where she cannot force her own eyes open, even on command, and standing becomes very difficult to her.

I traced lines around her nipples and even caressed her with the sharp side of the blade. All the while standing behind her, reaching around, with my hand on her throat. Breathing hot into her ear. she trembled and begged me not to cut her. I stole a glance at the girls. Their giddy excitement just gave energy to my evil progression. I passed the blade gingerly over her throat, as I held her perfectly steady, so there were no accidents. Gypsy’s sobs filled the room, and I  could truly taste the fear in the air. And then it happened.

I have in the past planned elaborate mindfucks, but this one fell into place in a way that I could have never planned. I looked up at Jewelgen, and it fell into place in an instant. Jewelgen and I have co-topped on more than a few occasions, and it has been remarked on by observers and recipients alike, that we seem to join evil minds. We rarely speak, we nod, or gesture, sometimes it is just a look. I looked at Jewelgen, and she knew instantly what I wanted. she moved quickly to the bathroom and ran warm water to soak a washcloth. she quickly brought it and stood by my side. Gypsy was completely unaware of what was going on, as she was paralyzed with fright. Her eyes locked shut.

I looked at Jewelgen, then pressed the dull side of the knife hard against Gypsy’s throat, and then slid it quickly across with pressure. Jewelgen squeezed the warm water out of the cloth onto Gypsy’s neck. The warm water ran down her tits in a river as Gypsy let out a scream that was appropriate for her murder. She grasped at her throat, knowing that she had been cut and the blood poured down her. “No No” she cried over and over. She was sure I had cut her and her blood was draining her life as she cried.

The continued effect of this mindfuck surprised even me, as I insist that Gypsy open her eyes and see that she had not been cut, but even when she opened her eyes it was obvious that she was surely seeing her own blood on her chest.

I grabbed her tight and told her over and over that she was ok, and just when I thought she understood, she saw the puddle on the nearby bed, and on the floor, and she commented on how the blood would leave a stain. The rest of us could not suppress a laugh. we were not making fun of Gypsy, but the comic break in the tension was unbearable.

I calmed Gypsy and tucked her into bed. She curled into a fetal ball, and sucked her thumb. It was truly a beautiful sight, as I petted her hair as she slipped away into her half sleep, half subspace place. When she was still the two other girls and I relaxed and retraced the the beauty of this incredible impromptu mindfuck scene.

That, my friends is how I spent the celebration of my 45 years on this earth. I hope your next birthday is as enjoyable.

My girl, Winsome_Gypsy has written a companion post to give you a peek at her perspective on this scene. Please, go read it, enjoy it, and leave some fantastic comments

Tags: aftercare, BDSM, Birthday, Blood, Consent, Dominant, Knife, Messy, Mindfuck, Play, Sadist, submissive, Top, Trust

Reblog – Who Defines Your D/s?

The following is an excerpt from a fantastic new post from my submissive, @Winsome_Gypsy on who has a right to define the nature of your D/s (Dominant and submissive) relationship.

Recently I’ve seen people on multiple forums, including FetLife, Twitter, blogs, issuing proclamations regarding what qualifies a D/s relationship. How the D should manage the s. How the s should communicate with the D. Outright notices issued that if the s does not follow protocol 1, 2, and 3, they are not a true s. Declarations that a slave is better or more valuable than a submissive and that a switch is a joke.

To this, I have two things to say:

1. Get over yourself, and
2. Mind your own business.

My D/s relationship is defined solely by the D and the s directly involved in the relationship.

To read the rest of this great post on who has a right to define the nature of your D/s relationship click here.

Tags: BDSM, Dominant, Poly, Polyamory, submissive