What About the Children

Posted by on February 18, 2010

The countdown has begun. August is when @Ice_Empress is slated to make the move across the country to be with us. She will leave her home, job and family behind to start a life living near @Jewelgen and me. We could not bemore excited. We have all known for a long time that we have a future together, however it is very complicated to not only combine our lives to an extent , but for one person to uproot and start life again so far from home. Not the least of these complications is children.

Our situations with our children are very different yet they are a huge part of all of our lives. @Ice_Empress’ children are reaching adulthood and leaving home. She has been out to them and open with them about her lifestyle and joining us. They have been supportive, but she can’t help but wonder if their support is all about seeing Mom happy and not considering how it will affect them. But that is certainly the nature of good mothers. To always wonder if their children will be OK.

@Jewelgen and I, on the other hand have an entirely different situation. While my oldest daughter is grown and lives on her own, our two younger children are teens and live at home. None of our kids know about our lifestyle whether it be kinky or poly. This has prompted much discussion between the two of us. How much to tell each of them and when.

Each of our Kids are individuals and each will require different handling, They know our friend is moving out from Florida and that we are close to her but that is the extent of it. I would prefer to come out to our daughters and explain about @Ice_empress. My oldest and I have gone through a lot together a long time ago and we have a special bond. She would not want many details but would understand, I believe. Our youngest daughter is 14, she is a free thinker and came out to us about her bi-sexuality over a year ago. I believe she will understand the most and will be accepting of us and our lover. The wildcard is our son, he is 16 and most likely will want a “don’t ask don’t tell” sort of arrangement. It is my thinking that preparing them for her arrival is the best way. I think no matter how careful we are, they are perceptive and will realize something is afoot.

@Jewelgen has a different idea and I have decided to defer this decision to her. She is their mother and rarely has wrong instincts about her children. It is her thought to let our kids get to know @Ice_Empress without the extra baggage of our relationship then once they know and love her as we know they will, introduce the full picture to them. Her thinking is that they may put up a wall to her in the mistaken belief that she is a threat to our relationship.

The simple fact is none of us do anything in a vacuum. Everything we do affects those around us. When we decided to alter the path of our relationship we never thought we would meet someone who would join us on our journey. Yet here we are nearly a year after a meeting with a wonderful woman that happened because of some flirting and the persistence of a certain Dom, deciding how our decisions will affect our children.

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Comments (6)

  • i agree with @jewelgen about just letting the kids get to know @ice_empress on 'our parent's friends' terms. no matter how perceptive or accepting kids are, they could very well put a wall up.

    i am truly happy for all 3 of you!!!! in speaking with you guys at differing times, i can tell that you all care for each other. suck a rare thing in this world!!!! *HUGS*

  • I think this is so wonderful for all of you!!! From experience, I send a small heed of warning – I moved in with a couple who had a 15yr old son and 19 yr old daughter in the house. For a long time I would sneak into bed at night late, and out again early, and we never ever ever did anything in front of them to indicate we were 3 in a relationship. However, kids dont always knock and etc and still at 16, son walked in on mom and I one night

    Even though the house was very open minded, very non conservative ( dad was a drummer in a band!) – son freaked out, in a bad way and it made life very difficult after that. He even became convinced everyone in the world knew, he couldnt bring friends over because they would know (of course they wouldnt!!), he became angry at all of us – never know how a kids mind is going to go!!

    I wish you all the best with this – its going to be beautiful, I am so happy for all of you!!

  • Thank you PagenKelly and Pixie for comments. I appreciate different sides to this new situation. I really felt that it will be harder to vilify someone you have gotten to know and like. I do think once Ice Empress is out here and the kids get to know they will like her, who couldn't? I have also considered seeking the input from a Kinky/poly accepting therapist. I believe that Ice Empress having her own house will make several issue easier or non-existent.

    I do not want to do our kids what Saynine's mother did to him as a child, that is making him privy to adult matters. Saynine's mother inappropriately confided in him regarding matters that where not for a child's ears, but this is his story to tell.

    Our son is at a difficult age and place in his life. There are issues to be worked on and while we have made great improvements in our family relationship, there is still work to be done. I do not want to give any cause for set back or a “reason” for him to be angry. Now don't get me wrong I don't feel that Ice Empress will in any way be the source of issues with our kids, quite the opposite actually. She can provide us with a fresh set of eyes and ears as well as her own experience raising kids/teens. She will provide us with support and love and my greatest hope is that our kids come to see her as a friend they can talk to. The move loving and positive people in my children's live the better!

    I can not wait till she is near!!!!!

  • My parents lived the swinger life during the last few years my sister & I were in high school. It was rough, I had bouts of depression and my sister had some major outbursts towards them. I had assumed it was teenage angst & that I was simply too depressed to share a rage like that. Unbeknownst to me, her rage was because she had found out about their escapades. It came to a head one afternoon in the car when she got into a fight with my mom. I was tired of her attitude and tried to talk to her about it when she dropped the bomb on me. I was so blind-sided; I started thinking about all the times they had gone off for hours at night, leaving us at home (we were old enough at this point) and how we'd tried calling them and they'd never answer or if they did they would be annoyed at us. The fight was suddenly between the four of us, yelling, slamming doors, at one point it was violent.

    I think this all came about from confusion; we were told all while growing up one man, one woman, love your spouse and so on. So learning this and not understanding the lifestyle, it did a number on us. We didn't speak to our parents, I personally left the house for a week. As an adult, I've learned more and have a curiosity about multiple partners. I admit that I have issues when it comes to relationships and trust from the example that I was given. I believe that if they had handled the situation differently I'd have a different story.

    This was a long rant for a first time commenter, but really, I wanted to thank you for thinking about the children. My parents did not think much further past keeping us in the house for a night. It really does have an effect (affect?) on everyone around you.

    • Thank you so much for your heartfelt comment. It is very appreciated. this is the kind of input that means a lot in this process.

  • I’m wondering if you plan on writing an update to this post? Personally, I think Ms. Jewel’s feelings were right on target, but I’d love to hear how it’s gone since IceEmpress has moved out.

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