Comments on: This Isn’t Play. . . BDSM and Rape

By: Alexa

Alexa — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 06:53:49 +0000

Very good post, my friend. I, too, am writing on this subject, specifically the nexus between consensual sex and rape. My position on what is or isn't rape correlates to yours, and that makes me happy.

By: Newbie

Newbie — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 18:30:22 +0000

I think it's better for society and for the community if rapes get reported. But the emotional costs to the victim are real, and are greater in a BDSM situation because of societal prejudice, so I would certainly never judge anyone for refusing to report.

But it bothers me the way that incidents like this seem to get hushed up, or at best spread by rumor, *within* the community. If the community believes what it says about the C in SSC and RACK, a response where those "in the know" quietly let their friends know about a "bad top", or someone who doesn't "play safe" is unacceptable. The victims should be posting the names and descriptions of the rapists to blogs, asking others to propagate, and the names should get broadcast as publicly as possible at every munch and party in the area.

If you know the names of rapists in incidents like this, and you're spreading rumors, but not doing what you can t publicly ostracize the rapist from the community, then you're acting as if "not making a fuss" is not as important as preventing future rapes, and you're complicit in these future rapes.

By: Mira

Mira — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 20:53:28 +0000

Thank you for writing this! I am new to the BDSM scene and still exploring. There are some things I would not be comfortable with and this text has taught me to be very careful, to negotiate and build in safety measures.
Thanks to the ladies for being willing to tell their stories. You might have saved one woman from inexperience mistakes.

By: SexplorationWithMonika

SexplorationWithMonika — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 10:19:17 +0000

I'm hoping that you meant “learned her lesson” in a different way, but to people who don't know better it could sound like you are partially blaming the victim. This happens often in our sex-negative culture that wrongly believes that men have “uncontrollable” sex drives and women have to mind their manners, watch out where they end up–otherwise it's their fault. And we even blame ourselves. But it isn't our fault. If a person is raped, it is not their fault, even if they didn't negotiate the scene well enough, or *anything* else. Even if they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, wearing a too-short dress, if they were “too drunk,” it's not the visctim's fault. The person who is responsible for the rape is always, only, the rapist. Bad judgement isn't a rapable offense.

By: Tsaphan Babe

Tsaphan Babe — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 08:16:41 +0000

Thanks for this post. I'm new to blogging about this stuff but have already been asked how I can call myself a feminist when I'm having sex with someone with rape fantasies. It's amazing how people don't understand the concept of the passion of consent. That's what it was all about for me and my first Dom. I've only had one. But I'm very nervous about shopping around for a new partner because he “got it” so perfectly.

Anyway, I'll likely link to your site to address this question. Thanks, again.

By: Shadowlady

Shadowlady — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 00:25:26 +0000

I had a long comment. Deleted it. Just want to say thank, great post. You said all that needed to be said. Thank you

By: Terry

Terry — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 23:30:10 +0000

“While I did absolutely feel violated and wronged, I also felt I had some culpability. Not guilt, but some responsibility. ” That is an incredibly common statement, Victim mentality, and no reason to not report it. Criminal accomplices turn on people all the time, they are responsible partially, they get reduced sentences usually, but rape victims are not accomplices! Maybe poor choices were made but that does NOT make you responsible for someone ELSE's actions. The first time someone said NO, the other person should have stopped.

“…there is almost a compulsion to report. I don't think such abusive power games are tied to a particular person, so if I give whoever hurt me a pass, they could hurt someone else, and if I felt bad about *me* being hurt, it would be an order of magnitude worse if they went on to abuse others. I am honestly not sure I could live with a “preventable tragedy” of that sort.” – Kristen's comment is one of many reasons to report. So it doesn't happen to someone else. Even if the victim feels responsible, someone who doesn't try to prevent it is helping their rapist to rape again. If you're gonna feel responsible, do it for a legal reason like obstruction of justice, and not a psych one.

By: shellieshel

shellieshel — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 01:51:25 +0000

As the Unidentified Victim #1, I want to thank Saynine for his respect and reverence to my story and my point of view.

This is a bigger issue then just the BDSM community, however (in my limited experience only) it does seem there is a larger occurrence of shame, blame and guilt when the lines are blurred. I have never felt that consent is up for interpretation but have seen it treated that way within the prosecution system community and equally (perhaps more) regrettably within the community. itself. I think the most important thing we can do is talk about it and remove some of the power that seems to follow the word "rape".

Saynine, thank you again. I can think of very few people I would want to represent my story let alone do it so eloquently.

By: Kristen Andrews

Kristen Andrews — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 15:08:55 +0000

I've taken grief myself for "exposing the community to unwelcome scrutiny", which I find both absurdist and frightening. Then again, someone I consider something of a mentor was part of the group of Doms/Dommes and subs who helped bring down John Robinson, the "BDSM Killer", so I don't see myself ever doing otherwise. It isn't easy, not at all. I *do* report abuse, but not without a cartload of butterflies in my stomach. I love and enjoy What It Is That We Do, but far from hurting the community, I think it can only help us in the long run to weed out the bad apples.

After all the New York City community seems to have survived the exposure of unsafe practices at a few fetish clubs there. It is attempts to stay cloistered that will hurt us. The more mystery there is to BDSM practice, the more room there is for creative interpretations of what we're "really" about.

As a *personal* matter, I've been a victim of rape, and there is almost a compulsion to report. I don't think such abusive power games are tied to a particular person, so if I give whoever hurt me a pass, they could hurt someone else, and if I felt bad about *me* being hurt, it would be an order of magnitude worse if they went on to abuse others. I am honestly not sure I could live with a "preventable tragedy" of that sort.

The solution is with all of us though...we need to support those who report on abusers, not ostracize them (and yes, sadly, I've seen it happen). They are doing us a favor, even if it might not feel like it at first...

Thank you with all my heart for taking on this thorny issue...

By: Tragic

Tragic — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 10:08:18 +0000

I am a survivor of non BDSM rape and both times I blamed myself and circumstances, both times I was under the influence to the point of non-defence, the first I was only sixteen and he was a recent ex boyfriend who liked to “play rough” as he worded it, this was not and is not new for him, he likes to refer to himself as “an S&M nut” but in reality, he's just a rapist, period. I didn't report it for the reasons mentioned above and though I *do* play at certain aspects of actual BDSM now, I'm not sure I could bring myself to report such an event either, even though I know how wrong it is. Crossing those lines is no less rape than what I experienced when I was that naive sixteen year old girl but the victim is almost always given to fits of guilt and self blame.

My husband and I have discussed this topic at great length, we've touched upon the acts during play but each of us are respectful of the other's limits and we each worry that we may accidentally cross that line. We haven't, but I think maybe that is because we know each other so well and we have discussed it at such great lengths, in my own personal opinion–I'd be wary of playing a game so touchy or so deep with anyone that I wasn't 100% certain of to begin with but as I say, I think that really roots back to the fact that I am a survivor of previous violation and I'm freaky vigilant about who I'm involved with and when for just that reason.. If that sounded rambling, I do apologize, I'm medicated currently, this post compelled me to opine, and also to thank you for bringing such an absolutely vital topic to the table.