This is also why I have not reported the crime to the police. Describing what happened to me will only be titillating for them, I doubt they would see the line between what I consented to and what I did not. The town where I live does not provide an advocate and I simply cannot face the cops, the lack of information, the victim blaming, the kink shaming, or the rapist. It’s been months and months since it happened and I still cannot imagine being in the same room with that person. How could I face them in a court of law?

The women I have spoken to actually suggested mediation. They want me to sit down in a room with this man and discuss what happened with a witness. How is that helpful? I cannot imagine doing such a thing, although I realize in situations other than sexual assault mediation can be valuable. What could we possibly have to talk about? He knows that I feel what he did was rape. I know he does not think so, and nothing I say will change that. I already told him what I thought, several times. I have nothing else to say.

Before it happened to me I thought everyone should report, every time, for many of the reasons discussed here. How could I let him do this to someone else? Because I cannot stop him. Because it will not help my healing to try. I have been through the legal system with someone who has been raped, I know what it is like, and I know that I cannot do it. Call me whatever you want, I just can’t. I wish I could. Maybe after a lot of therapy things will change. I would like to think so, but right now it is hard to imagine.

I’m in the process of writing a series of posts on the parameters of consent that is and will be touching on the same kinds of things you are musing about here, and some others I’ve been contemplating. Like you, at this point, I think I have more questions than answers, but that’s how the discussions start, and hopefully solutions arise.

Even without naming names, I’ve written a lot about the abuse my ex dished out to me, and he has managed to largely silence me, at least publicly, with threats of suing me for libel, slander, or whatever. That risk would only be magnified if others not directly involved were reporting such things.

Still, we’ve absolutely got to find a way to warn people, or at minimum to not allow these things to go covered up and the victims shamed and blamed so much within our own ranks any more.

The very closed attitudes about keeping quiet and not exposing the community to outside scrutiny as would happen if those of us who are raped and/or assaulted did report the events to the police helps keep the high incidence of these events hidden, which only serves to perptuate the problem even further.

I am lucky to be in a commited relationship with my Dom where my safe word is always respected, which makes it easier for me to let go and explore my boundries as if anything happens that I don’t like I know that word will always be honoured. However, I think that is harder for people who play with casual partners that they don’t know so well etc. I am not saying that excuses someone ignoring a persons safeword AT ALL, far from it, but it just shows that for a safeword to mean anything it has to be honoured and the meaning of it accepted by both parties only then can you play safely and with trust.

I have had a strong rape fantasy and even wrote a post about how he started to explore that with me, called ‘The Jeans challenge’ which started of with me saying that if I had my tightest jeans on and fought him harder enough he would not be able to get them off me. He said he would prove I was wrong. It was an intense, exciting, thrilling, emotional and exhausting scene…..and yes he proved me wrong…..but it was one that took place with my full consent and participation in.

I could never enter into a scene like that with anyone but Him I would have to say. Part of the dynamic of our relationship is that he if he wants me he has me…..but that JUST applies to him and as I said, the safeword means that it can never go beyond what I can tolerate.

Previous to my relationship with Sir I was with how man who introduced me to swinging. On one occassion at a club I felt that I had been violated by a man who entered me without my permission and was not wearing a condom. Luckily I knew instantly and yes….I freaked……and gave him hell. The worst part of was though, that his female partner made me feel like i was being completely silly and childish and ‘what on earth was I making a fuss about’. Her reaction was shocking to me, and left me feeling like I had done something wrong rather than the man in question. I wish I had known more about this area at the time as I think I would have dealt with things very differently,,,,rather than leaving the club like I was to blame, now I would have named and shamed him and reported him to the club owners who I am fairly sure (having spoken to them about it since) would have arranged for his swift exit.

Thank you for writing this and bringing a tricky subject into the light.

Mollyxxx

But it bothers me the way that incidents like this seem to get hushed up, or at best spread by rumor, *within* the community. If the community believes what it says about the C in SSC and RACK, a response where those “in the know” quietly let their friends know about a “bad top”, or someone who doesn't “play safe” is unacceptable. The victims should be posting the names and descriptions of the rapists to blogs, asking others to propagate, and the names should get broadcast as publicly as possible at every munch and party in the area.

If you know the names of rapists in incidents like this, and you're spreading rumors, but not doing what you can t publicly ostracize the rapist from the community, then you're acting as if “not making a fuss” is not as important as preventing future rapes, and you're complicit in these future rapes.

Anyway, I'll likely link to your site to address this question. Thanks, again.