Saynine

The Beautiful Dimming Light

JewelGen having a bit of a test run with the choking collar

I have always loved choking partners. Whether it be to full unconsciousness or simply the installing of fear and exerting control. And while it is one of the most controversial forms of edge play I believe that it can a beautiful form of play between informed partners, And while I have linked here to one of the most vocal detractors of “Breath Play”, I simply do not agree with his global condemnation of it.

When I refer to choking in this essay, I am actually referring to control of a partner by hands or arm holds on the throat, and the actual process of causing a partner to become unconscious by temporarily restricting blood flow to the brain. Also known as a “Blood Choke“. I will not instruct on how to perform such acts here.

Choking was one of my very earliest expressions of kink. In my early teens i put my hands on the throat of a girl that I was fucking and squeezed. I had no instruction as to prior consent for such acts, only consent for sex itself. I am quite fortunate in that the girl enjoyed this and did in fact consent. This desire to choke is something I have carried and often struggled with for now over 30 years.

I have in the last few years added in using my belt for this play, and even more recently acquired a choking collar that has an additional leather flap that eliminates the pesky problem of skin being pulled into the buckle.

I have wondered what it was like for the other partner. What they feel. Some show fear. But recently I have started playing with a partner that shows no fear. I have referred to her as “Cat Allergy Girl” on twitter because4 her allergies and my pet ownership were an initial partnership. But her Fetlife name is Purple_Platypus. PP recently wrote a short essay on how it feels to be choked out, after a play session in which I choked her unconscious six times in less than two hours.

Choking, I like it. I like to see the world dim, feel the humming in my ears, the tingle of my fingers. I like to watch him, look him in the eyes as he chokes the light out of mine. I don’t fight it, I welcome it. I think I smile, but it’s hard to tell. I’m busy feeling. I don’t struggle, I just let it come. The darkness. It slips in from the corners, you don’t notice it at first, but then it’s like looking through a tunnel. I focus on his eyes, he’s a little fuzzy now. I hear the hum starting, I feel it in my head. Now my hands tingle, it won’t be long now it’s like looking through a pinhole, the darkness is swallowing me up. I’m not afraid. I let it swallow me whole and all the lights went out.

The second act;

I hear something, what is it? And why do my arms tingle? I like it, I’m still in the dark, I can’t see, but I can feel. It feels like the hum in my ears is running electricity through my body. No pain, just tingles. Gently I begin to remember, I come out of the dark and what I feel is joy. No fear, no worry, no stress, no pain, no thiught, just joy. I can see his eyes now, he’s been watching the light come back in my eyes. I smile or maybe I was already smiling.

Her conclusion;

I know it not the last time I’ll watch the lights go out.

I hope you enjoy this peek from the other side as much as I did.

Please do not participate in any play that both or all partners are not well aware of, and consent to the risks associated. I have been successfully choking people for years, and PP has been participating in Judo for years, she has been choked out many times in her Judo practice.

Tags: BDSM, Breath Play, Choking, Consent, Play, RACK, Top, Trust

Return of the Mindfuck

My birthday was to be a complete surprise. Jewelgen, Ice_Empress, and Winsome_Gypsy had apparently been conspiring for some time to give a dominant sadist the very best birthday possible. I was lead to believe I would be leaving for a weekend away with Jewelgen to a destination unknown. I was instead driven to a local luxury hotel were the other two girls were waiting to help deliver to me a night of service and play.

Nothing had gone unplanned. my favorite food and drink were waiting and the girls beautifully waiting in accenting lingerie. Things started off very relaxing, but of course proceeded to play. There was all that you would expect when a sadist is given free reign with three beautiful women. There was foot worship, Violet Wand play, some fantastic takedown play between Jewelgen and me, as well as some spanking for all.

My harder play attention turned to Winsome_Gypsy as the two other girls watched with glee. I had been spanking her and choking her quite soundly when she began to slip into a beautiful subspace. Then I began playing one of my favorite games with Gypsy. I pulled my folding knife from my pocket and began tracing lines on her back, and then reaching from behind, her front. I have to tell you that Gypsy is terrified of my knife, and especially when it comes to her nipples. Even though she has incredible trust for me, she has a deep seeded fear of losing her nipples. my knife is very sharp, even on the tip, but I am very careful and adept with it. I use it to scratch but never cut deeply. But no matter. It’s mere presence drives Gypsy into a headspace to where she cannot force her own eyes open, even on command, and standing becomes very difficult to her.

I traced lines around her nipples and even caressed her with the sharp side of the blade. All the while standing behind her, reaching around, with my hand on her throat. Breathing hot into her ear. she trembled and begged me not to cut her. I stole a glance at the girls. Their giddy excitement just gave energy to my evil progression. I passed the blade gingerly over her throat, as I held her perfectly steady, so there were no accidents. Gypsy’s sobs filled the room, and I  could truly taste the fear in the air. And then it happened.

I have in the past planned elaborate mindfucks, but this one fell into place in a way that I could have never planned. I looked up at Jewelgen, and it fell into place in an instant. Jewelgen and I have co-topped on more than a few occasions, and it has been remarked on by observers and recipients alike, that we seem to join evil minds. We rarely speak, we nod, or gesture, sometimes it is just a look. I looked at Jewelgen, and she knew instantly what I wanted. she moved quickly to the bathroom and ran warm water to soak a washcloth. she quickly brought it and stood by my side. Gypsy was completely unaware of what was going on, as she was paralyzed with fright. Her eyes locked shut.

I looked at Jewelgen, then pressed the dull side of the knife hard against Gypsy’s throat, and then slid it quickly across with pressure. Jewelgen squeezed the warm water out of the cloth onto Gypsy’s neck. The warm water ran down her tits in a river as Gypsy let out a scream that was appropriate for her murder. She grasped at her throat, knowing that she had been cut and the blood poured down her. “No No” she cried over and over. She was sure I had cut her and her blood was draining her life as she cried.

The continued effect of this mindfuck surprised even me, as I insist that Gypsy open her eyes and see that she had not been cut, but even when she opened her eyes it was obvious that she was surely seeing her own blood on her chest.

I grabbed her tight and told her over and over that she was ok, and just when I thought she understood, she saw the puddle on the nearby bed, and on the floor, and she commented on how the blood would leave a stain. The rest of us could not suppress a laugh. we were not making fun of Gypsy, but the comic break in the tension was unbearable.

I calmed Gypsy and tucked her into bed. She curled into a fetal ball, and sucked her thumb. It was truly a beautiful sight, as I petted her hair as she slipped away into her half sleep, half subspace place. When she was still the two other girls and I relaxed and retraced the the beauty of this incredible impromptu mindfuck scene.

That, my friends is how I spent the celebration of my 45 years on this earth. I hope your next birthday is as enjoyable.

My girl, Winsome_Gypsy has written a companion post to give you a peek at her perspective on this scene. Please, go read it, enjoy it, and leave some fantastic comments

Tags: aftercare, BDSM, Birthday, Blood, Consent, Dominant, Knife, Messy, Mindfuck, Play, Sadist, submissive, Top, Trust

What About the Children

The countdown has begun. August is when @Ice_Empress is slated to make the move across the country to be with us. She will leave her home, job and family behind to start a life living near @Jewelgen and me. We could not bemore excited. We have all known for a long time that we have a future together, however it is very complicated to not only combine our lives to an extent , but for one person to uproot and start life again so far from home. Not the least of these complications is children.

Our situations with our children are very different yet they are a huge part of all of our lives. @Ice_Empress’ children are reaching adulthood and leaving home. She has been out to them and open with them about her lifestyle and joining us. They have been supportive, but she can’t help but wonder if their support is all about seeing Mom happy and not considering how it will affect them. But that is certainly the nature of good mothers. To always wonder if their children will be OK.

@Jewelgen and I, on the other hand have an entirely different situation. While my oldest daughter is grown and lives on her own, our two younger children are teens and live at home. None of our kids know about our lifestyle whether it be kinky or poly. This has prompted much discussion between the two of us. How much to tell each of them and when.

Each of our Kids are individuals and each will require different handling, They know our friend is moving out from Florida and that we are close to her but that is the extent of it. I would prefer to come out to our daughters and explain about @Ice_empress. My oldest and I have gone through a lot together a long time ago and we have a special bond. She would not want many details but would understand, I believe. Our youngest daughter is 14, she is a free thinker and came out to us about her bi-sexuality over a year ago. I believe she will understand the most and will be accepting of us and our lover. The wildcard is our son, he is 16 and most likely will want a “don’t ask don’t tell” sort of arrangement. It is my thinking that preparing them for her arrival is the best way. I think no matter how careful we are, they are perceptive and will realize something is afoot.

@Jewelgen has a different idea and I have decided to defer this decision to her. She is their mother and rarely has wrong instincts about her children. It is her thought to let our kids get to know @Ice_Empress without the extra baggage of our relationship then once they know and love her as we know they will, introduce the full picture to them. Her thinking is that they may put up a wall to her in the mistaken belief that she is a threat to our relationship.

The simple fact is none of us do anything in a vacuum. Everything we do affects those around us. When we decided to alter the path of our relationship we never thought we would meet someone who would join us on our journey. Yet here we are nearly a year after a meeting with a wonderful woman that happened because of some flirting and the persistence of a certain Dom, deciding how our decisions will affect our children.

Tags: Children, Compersion, Family, Journey, Poly, Polyamory

What Makes Me Hot

With the sincerest apologies to all of my twitter and blogging friends who write erotica, I don’t like it. It almost always leaves me flat. Now of course there is the occasional exception but in general I find reading erotica to be similar to reading an academic text. No that’s not exactly true, I am kind of fond of academic texts.  But if you write erotica don’t be offended. I think it is me. I have tried to read some of the fiction that is the staple of the BDSM scene and I just get bored. I forced myself to (Warning Blasphemy ahead) read The Story of O, and I barely made it through the first “Beauty” book and even the Marketplace series barely kept my attention.

Now as a qualifier I have to tell you that I am a voracious reader. All kinds of reading material will keep my attention, so what is it about erotica that bores me. I have thought about it carefully and I just don’t know but I just don’t feel it. It usually reminds me of the Tumblr style porn I see every day, all style and no substance. When I read about a sexual situation I want to feel like I am or could be there. I mean that’s the point, right?

Of course it may also be that I judge it against the single hottest 500 words I have EVER read. In late 2008 I had stumbled across one of the most amazing bloggers completely by accident. I had been following @Mollena at The Perverted Negress for a couple of months and was beyond impressed, when I stumbled across FUCKED (Under 500). In her words “Trying out this new thing, seeing if I can pull off telling an (in)decent fucktale in under 500 words. Whaddya think?”

“Don’t move. Don’t fucking move. If you move and you make me come right now I swear to god you’ll make me very angry and I don’t think you want that.” I could hardly breathe as his belt, looped once around my throat buckle cutting into my shoulder pulled tight under my back tail gripped firmly in his hand growing tighter incrementally slowly becoming the focus of my attention as I focused on not moving which was hard. It was hard because his full weight was on me and when he wasn’t threatening me with effulgent glistening stepping-razor violence he was biting me really hard and it isn’t all that easy to focus on not moving about when someone is biting you.

Now I am not gonna give it all to you (I am fanning myself) you are just going have to check it out yourself.

But this is the part that really makes me hard,

I could see and I knew in that moment that yes, he could if he wanted to he could finish me and this moment and I would not struggle at all and this moved me so deeply I started to cry.

That is HOT!! But it is not just that it crawls inside my head and makes me want that moment. The whole essay transports me to the room, to the moment, I smell the sweat and the sex, I can taste the fear and desire. That is how to write a story that makes me hot.

Tags: Erotica, Hot, Mollena

This Isn’t Play. . . BDSM and Rape

If ever there has been a dichotomy of a term; Rape in BDSM is a shining example. The very basic principle that we hold so dear in BDSM play, “Nothing without consent” seems to stand in stark contrast to a very common form of play, “Rape Play”.

Originally when this post started to form in my head almost two weeks ago I had no intention to mention rape play. In fact I had fully intended to avoid the subject entirely. This was to be a conversation about negotiation and consent, and players who exceeded limits of their partners. That changed however when I was having a conversation with a kink interested vanilla friend this weekend. After a little lubrication from alcohol he mentioned that he wished he could find someone to trust enough to share his sexual fantasies. After some questioning he gave some detail about what he was interested in and I responded that what he was talking about was rape play. His shocked look obviously required that I explain in detail the concepts of negotiation and “consensual non-consent”.

Of course I explained with some arrogance how BDSM practitioners negotiated hard limits and used things such as safe words and safe calls so that fantasies like rape could be played out safely between consenting partners. But in the back of my mind was the shadow of the stories that had been related to me recently about limits overrun in play and the frequency of which it occurs.

There seems to be few limits ripe for negotiation and consideration quite as clear as anal penetration. For both Tops and bottoms there seems to rarely be grey area on this subject. There is a tendency to either love it or hate it, and there are many different reasons for this on both sides, ranging from anatomy to personal trauma or upbringing. But it seems that rarely is anyone ambivalent about anal sex. However like any physical interaction between humans the default must go to the person who wishes the least contact. This is why we negotiate. Since someone who is very close to me has anal penetration as likely her hardest limit I am quite familiar with how this negotiation is handled. “I Don’t Do Anal. Do not even think of going there” is the most common verbiage.

Yet within two weeks I had two stories of violation of this limit related to me by the victims and many more related to me as second hand accounts. I have received permission to identify this first victim but I have decided that I will not.

My desire to go places that I have not been before was a much more powerful force than the good sense portion of my brain.

I met him on-line, a very innocuous, non-dating, non-sexual site.  We talked for two days – only two days and the attraction was mutual.  He told me things I wanted to hear.  Things that my very inexperienced self thought were the right things.  I wanted him to be the Dom that I had been looking for.  Wanted it so badly that I stopped thinking.

There was zero negotiation other then telling him that I would not allow myself to be bound and anal was off limits.  Despite me saying and telling him a safe word, I failed to make sure he understood, accepted and would honor it.  I also failed to make sure there was a safe call to a trusted person in place and he never asked or insisted upon either.  Which should have been a screaming red flag for me.

The more I watched and listened to his actions, I realized he had no clue what it meant to be a top or a Dom but by then the clothes were off and I felt it was too late.  I knew there was something terribly wrong even before I said ‘no’ but when I repeatedly said/screamed ‘no’ and used the safe word that I had suggested, I knew that I was in trouble and there was going to be no turning back. He did not stop and I was powerless to make him.

When he was finished, there was no doubt in my mind that I had been raped but I expect there was tremendous doubt in his.  There was no conversation; I did not leave the bed, I did not see him out.  I just asked him to leave and I never spoke to him again.

The second victim – who is very young and was new to play at the time – told me that person she was with was a very experienced Dom and she trusted him completely. The subject of anal sex had come up before and she told him that she had never tried but would consider it at a later time when she was more comfortable. After some play and while her hands and feet were bound to a headboard above  her he began with vaginal intercourse, when it became apparent he was near orgasm he abruptly and without warning entered her anally, ejaculated, and withdrew. His explanation was it suddenly occurred to him that they were not protected against pregnancy. He unbound her and then left her alone while he cleaned up and then left.

These are examples that are very clear, this is rape. Quite frankly if you disagree you and I have little to talk about. However when does a violated limit become rape? Is it rape if someone expresses a limit against ejaculating on their face and it is violated? If someone is bound and pissed on after negotiating no watersports?  Being called a filthy cunt when Humiliation has been excluded? When is an exceeded limit rape? My arrogance tells me always, however I wonder if I have, or could ever unintentionally dip a toe over a foul line. Am I then guilty of moral or criminal violation? I simply do not know.

When I was seeking input on this subject I consulted with @jewelgen. I asked, If you were penetrated anally by a partner during a scene while bound (this or a gun are the only ways this particular limit could EVER be violated) how would you react? Her response was that eventually she would have to be unbound and then there would be hell to pay, I know there would. However my second question was not so quickly answered. “Would you report it”? She said that she would, but I pressed her further. “Knowing what we know about how police and District Attorneys handle rape cases, would you expose yourself to that and try to explain the line when extreme sexual play and bondage crossed from consensual to rape”? She thought some more and as I expected said she would. An even bigger question emerges though when you mix the desire to protect the practice of BDSM and the community from the scrutiny of the legal and vanilla world.

In a conversation about this with someone who is a BDSM educator I was at first surprised with their anger at non-reporting  victims of BDSM related rapes, especially in the name of protecting the community. But her point rings very true. It is this silence that perpetrators feed on. I personally am torn and cannot say what is right for anyone.

The first victim I mentioned had this to say on the subject of reporting;

I never felt as though I wanted or needed to press charges.  While I did absolutely feel violated and wronged, I also felt I had some culpability.  Not guilt, but some responsibility.  I knew that my lack of experience, my severe lack of judgment and the powerful force that is desire, impacted my decision making and most definitely influenced the way the evening went.

I do NOT recommend, would never suggest or even condone the same actions I took in the days after.  As a matter of fact, if in a place of giving advice to someone this happened to, I would almost insist on them calling the police.  So please do not take my tale as the “right” way to do things.  It was my way, it worked for me and ultimately, I do believe that I learned more from the experience then what I was harmed.

I wonder everyday if I did the right thing by not reporting, if he knew what he was doing, if he knowingly took advantage of me, or if he was also as inexperienced as I was.  The wonder provides me measures of caution that help with my current decision making which I clearly lacked before.  Although not certain that without this happening to me I would have remained so unguarded, this certainly accelerated much needed vigilant behavior.  For that, I am thankful.

Like so many subjects that I discuss, I am not quite so egotistical as to suggest I have answers to these dilemmas. I ask you the readers and the community for your input and discussion.

I do know this. Consent and negotiation are what provide the safety net to explore our deepest fantasies, without them we would be relegated to missionary sex only for the purpose of procreation.

Tags: Anal, Consent, Limits, Negotiation, Rape