Comments on: Drop and Aftercare, A Discussion

By: Ranai

Ranai — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:45:08 +0000

Thank you, this is interesting to read.

‘I can explain some of the emotional upheaval I go through during play but not all of it. For me to let the monster of sadism out of the cage and keep control of it takes a concentration that is intense and while dominance is more fluid for me it requires personal control as well. (...) After play is when my needs become evident. Aftercare is what I need. (...) I need to reconnect with my humanity, to show myself that I am still capable of compassion and tenderness.’

That’s how it is for me too.

I do aftercare in some form every time. Not only my partner needs it, I need it too. For the reasons you mentioned, and also because his reactions reassure me: he still wants the intimacy, he still loves me, with the sadism.

I could also not play with someone and then go. I need the closeness afterwards.

People who pay attention to ‘women this – men that’ generalisations will never figure out what they themselves need or like.

By: clarissethorn

clarissethorn — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 01:57:20 +0000

I don't have a ton of experience topping, but I will say that with the male submissive I've played with the most, he needed a lot of aftercare. He also told me, though, that he hadn't felt safe/accepted asking for aftercare from other partners; he felt like it was imposing and they would judge him; and he usually didn't go deep enough to need it with them the way he needed it with me.

In my (again, limited) experience as a top I found that it was really tough for me to give aftercare if there was a mismatch between my desires and my bottom's ... if, for example, I was still caught in top-space when my bottom had already broken down and achieved his climax and couldn't go any further. I gave the care, of course, I stuck around and soothed him and so on, but it was hard and I really wanted to go for a run. I asked a couple of dominant friends for advice about this. One told me that he absolutely couldn't stick around and give aftercare, usually, and that he got around this problem by telling his partners that he would have to leave after the scene (go for a run, whatever) and would come back afterwards. "And your partners are okay with this?" I asked. I was amazed. He said, "It really helps to talk about it beforehand, so they're warned."

I tend to need a fair amount of aftercare as a bottom, though much less so if I don't feel much attached to my partner.

By: Saynine

Saynine — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 22:03:29 +0000

A Fabulous Counterpoint to the argument that male subs do not need or want aftercare by @AliceSinAerie http://twitter.com/AliceSinAerie

http://tr.im/MpdV

Thank you

By: Leigh J

Leigh J — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 04:13:52 +0000

It seems that outside of "safety and personal care" (e.g. cuts that need be tended, warm blanket) it's lot is up to the players and the scene. Problems can occur are when there are unmet expectations and needs and these can change not only with scenes, players but even time.

While I have no issue with pros and their clients, I believe they have a stronger handle on the expectations of the scene. An example may be someone providing a GFE (girl friend experience) does NOT mean they are your REAL girl friend (i.e. you probably are not going to take them to a wedding unless you are in a romantic comedy). So the expectations are clearer and the emotional attachment is not like a LTR. This doesn't make one better or worse it just is a difference in emotional needs and expectations.

While each has a different take on it. Not addressing the issue of drop and aftercare, with inexperienced players can be potentially disastrous.

I once had a great scene, adequate aftercare and then over the next day or so slowly went (for lack of a better term) insane. Only after my wife reminded me of the sub drop I was going though I was then able to get a handle and understand what was going on.

Not everyone has the same emotions and needs. Know what works for you and communicate with your partners.

By: Saynine

Saynine — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 23:17:10 +0000

I did not mean to say that this was the case with FemDomme's, but it was the overwhelming consensus of the input I received when I requested it for this post.

You put into much better word exactly the sentiment I was trying to convey regarding my own feelings; "How could you DO that? What kind of animal are you?"

Thank you so much for your input.

By: roseread

roseread — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 23:10:01 +0000

I have to say that, in my experience both as a femdom and observing other femdoms at the parties I go to, the femdom you quote is the anomaly. To think less of your male sub because he requires aftercare is to perpetuate every horrible gender stereotype about male subs and female tops out there. ::shudder:: I very much enjoy making sure my subs are fine, both mentally and physically, after I'm done with them, whether they're male or female. While that care might be mutual which means I get to stroke and pet and they get to rub my feet, the need for care is not a male or female thing.

That aside, can I say I love this post for one sentence: "For me to let the monster of sadism out of the cage and keep control of it takes a concentration that is intense and while dominance is more fluid for me it requires personal control as well." Yes. This. But for me, part of my Top Drop is that I get a little bit of SuperEgo condemnation happening in my head for a few days after a scene (How could you DO that? What kind of animal are you?), so I need the loving connection with my subs to prove to me that I'm still a good person, that I'm not an animal, and that they love me because of my sadism and dominance, not inspite of it. So while I like to take care of them to prove that to myself, as you say, I also need their active participation in taking care of me emotionally.

Thanks for such a great post.

By: Saynine

Saynine — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 21:43:49 +0000

@britisshameless made this comment but my comment system keeps deleting it
http://twitter.com/britisshameless http://britisstillshameless.blogspot.com

I thought this post was both amazing and important.

I wrote a series on aftercare, if anyone is interested.

Part I: http://britisstillshameless.blogspot.com/2009/1...

Part II: http://britisstillshameless.blogspot.com/2009/1...

Part III: http://britisstillshameless.blogspot.com/2009/1...

By: Sugar Free

Sugar Free — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 23:29:11 +0000

Any top who dosn't know theimportance and the connection made in aftercare would scene w/me only once. I let myself go to a whole differnt place and after a session a Top that just walks away would never get another turn with me. I go to awhole new place and when itends,i can just fall to floor coverd in blood and sweat. I need my Master to hold me, tend to my wounds, and tell me how proud he is of me. I want him to know my pain is my gift to him. Afterall, the sub does hold the power of where a scene will go.

By: Nimue

Nimue — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 19:39:12 +0000

I think that aftercare is something which is very different for everyone. Personally, I dont need a lot of aftercare. Part of this probably comes from the fact that I am quite often meeting and playing with new people on set, and it's not practical to spend hours after each scene snuggling etc. After a scene is finished, then I will make sure my immediate physical needs are met (getting a drink, something warm to wear and some chocolate) and then will usually just sit quietly and listen to the conversations going on around me while i get “grounded”. Once i'm grounded, then I'll slowly join in the conversations and i'm ready to go again. In private play I usually deal with aftercare the same way, in fact a top that i used to play with would make sure i was sat down somewhere, wrapped up warm, and she would deal with the tidying up of toys and restoring the play space while i came down. By the time she'd finished tidying, i was usually back to myself and ready to get on with whatever needed getting on with!
I used to experience some amount of drop after playing, but now it tends to just be purely physical exhaustion the next morning – aching muscles, sore bits etc – but I would expect that after any period of very intense physical work.

By: pixie

pixie — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 18:11:30 +0000

I am definitely the exception to this “Aftercare need”. I've really never had a need to be held, cuddled, reaffirmed, etc etc after a scene. Most of my scenes have been in public/dungeon space. When done, I am flying high in my “space” I feel alive, and I want to keep soaking in everything going on around me. I am very much supportive of Dominant Aftercare however. A lot of the time they have just put out physical energy to Top me, they may need a drink, a massage, a rub down. Someone needs to clean down the play station/area, put away the toys – this is another opportunity for me to “serve”, which just makes me space even more sustaining.

I still have subdrop .. again I am the exception to this in that I want to do it alone. I cry. A deep cathartic, emotional, sometimes heart wrenching cry .. but not a bad cry. It feels good. I have a huge build up of energy, and it needs released.

Now, does this mean I do not like “Aftercare” .. of course not. There have been scenes where the Dominant involved wanted/needed to give the Aftercare. I am all there for it, and would never pass up a good snuggle, reassuring, private moment with my Dominant.