This piece is really eye opening.

Although I know you’re primarily concerned with sex here, I just wanted to go back to something you touched on right at the beginning of this piece, which is non-sexual Drop. That is something I have experienced with a lot of awareness. I am the co-director of a theatre company, for which I have acted and directed, and the Drop you get after a play/production is finished, is so similar to what you describe above, and so acute… and even if you’re coming from another angle, I just want to kind of thank you for bringing this issue to people’s attention.

It’s important and this article is so relevant. Thank you SayNine!

‘I can explain some of the emotional upheaval I go through during play but not all of it. For me to let the monster of sadism out of the cage and keep control of it takes a concentration that is intense and while dominance is more fluid for me it requires personal control as well. (…) After play is when my needs become evident. Aftercare is what I need. (…) I need to reconnect with my humanity, to show myself that I am still capable of compassion and tenderness.’

That’s how it is for me too.

I do aftercare in some form every time. Not only my partner needs it, I need it too. For the reasons you mentioned, and also because his reactions reassure me: he still wants the intimacy, he still loves me, with the sadism.

I could also not play with someone and then go. I need the closeness afterwards.

People who pay attention to ‘women this – men that’ generalisations will never figure out what they themselves need or like.

In my (again, limited) experience as a top I found that it was really tough for me to give aftercare if there was a mismatch between my desires and my bottom's … if, for example, I was still caught in top-space when my bottom had already broken down and achieved his climax and couldn't go any further. I gave the care, of course, I stuck around and soothed him and so on, but it was hard and I really wanted to go for a run. I asked a couple of dominant friends for advice about this. One told me that he absolutely couldn't stick around and give aftercare, usually, and that he got around this problem by telling his partners that he would have to leave after the scene (go for a run, whatever) and would come back afterwards. “And your partners are okay with this?” I asked. I was amazed. He said, “It really helps to talk about it beforehand, so they're warned.”

I tend to need a fair amount of aftercare as a bottom, though much less so if I don't feel much attached to my partner.

http://tr.im/MpdV

Thank you

While I have no issue with pros and their clients, I believe they have a stronger handle on the expectations of the scene. An example may be someone providing a GFE (girl friend experience) does NOT mean they are your REAL girl friend (i.e. you probably are not going to take them to a wedding unless you are in a romantic comedy). So the expectations are clearer and the emotional attachment is not like a LTR. This doesn't make one better or worse it just is a difference in emotional needs and expectations.

While each has a different take on it. Not addressing the issue of drop and aftercare, with inexperienced players can be potentially disastrous.

I once had a great scene, adequate aftercare and then over the next day or so slowly went (for lack of a better term) insane. Only after my wife reminded me of the sub drop I was going though I was then able to get a handle and understand what was going on.

Not everyone has the same emotions and needs. Know what works for you and communicate with your partners.

You put into much better word exactly the sentiment I was trying to convey regarding my own feelings; “How could you DO that? What kind of animal are you?”

Thank you so much for your input.

That aside, can I say I love this post for one sentence: “For me to let the monster of sadism out of the cage and keep control of it takes a concentration that is intense and while dominance is more fluid for me it requires personal control as well.” Yes. This. But for me, part of my Top Drop is that I get a little bit of SuperEgo condemnation happening in my head for a few days after a scene (How could you DO that? What kind of animal are you?), so I need the loving connection with my subs to prove to me that I'm still a good person, that I'm not an animal, and that they love me because of my sadism and dominance, not inspite of it. So while I like to take care of them to prove that to myself, as you say, I also need their active participation in taking care of me emotionally.

Thanks for such a great post.

I thought this post was both amazing and important.

I wrote a series on aftercare, if anyone is interested.

Part I: http://britisstillshameless.blogspot.com/2009/1…

Part II: http://britisstillshameless.blogspot.com/2009/1…

Part III: http://britisstillshameless.blogspot.com/2009/1…