Drop and Aftercare, A Discussion
A Dominant that I know was telling me she was not feeling very “up” when I was talking to her recently. Now while I know she has a lot going on in her life I also knew she had played several times in one night just a few nights previous. I asked her if Top drop could have been contributing to her low spirits. When she asked what I was talking about it got me thinking about how often I had heard; “What is Top Drop?” or “What is sub drop”. Often when I hear this the speaker has heard of one but not the other. It also got me considering the role of aftercare in combating or minimizing Drop.
I am not qualified to discuss all of the medical reasons for psychological drop, but my understanding is that it is at least partially caused by the evacuation or absence after the fact of chemicals the brain uses to cope with situations of stress. Drop is experienced by athletes and adventurers, as well as many other people after high stress situations. Have you ever gotten very high from an emergency like a car accident, only to find the following days that you have a feeling of being adrift?
While a Top and a bottom in BDSM experience different stress triggers and excitements, both produce body responses that brain must process and recover from. Whether it is a physical scene or a psychological one, the top receives pleasure while exerting emotional and mental control while the bottom produces chemical reactions to protect from the full effects of the treatment they are receiving.
But there are also very psychological components to Drop. Whether they be feelings of abandonment, being off balance, or simply wondering about their worth, a bottom has many emotions to process in the days following a heavy scene.
I recently had a private conversation with @Mojo4Melo and she gave me permission to share it. I think it was very revealing of the thought process many bottoms/subs deal with after play.
My last Top/Dom (sadist) wasn’t a big PDA or affectionate type of person, and it carried over into his play. Thus, not much warm up or much cool down, or aftercare. Something that caused me to back away from some play. Not that I didn’t like/want, but knew I couldn’t get there. (I) Tried to explain it to him this way: To really know that the play is coming from a (heart) place of love and trust I need “the sandwich” approach: Beforehand offer foreplay, love, affection, caresses even up to the beginning of the scene, then Wham! Turn the tables on me mentally, and start beating the crap outta me (with a warm/build up), with dirty talk, mind fucks, etc. Praise me for my efforts in taking it, as the session winds down, the other side of the ‘sandwich’ starts to happen: Bring my mind down gently, again with the love words. Unless the intent is a humiliation scene where the culmination is leaving me in a puddle stripped of any modesty or pride, and that’s part of the mind fuck, then okay fine. Then sometime after that, maybe later that evening I need the reassurance, maybe just a simple gesture of tucking a blanket around me, petting my head, laying a hand on my shoulder.
(I) will feel sub-drop a little bit regardless into the next day, BUT I will weather it much better knowing that my Dom loves me or is proud. I need to know that it was a special time of play for BOTH of us. Almost as bad as zero physical aftercare is just a general complacency, like it was just a chore, or it didn’t mean anything special or didn’t affect the Top like it did me. I feel all lopsided and unsure.
If I know it was a special time for the Top, like it was for me, that goes a long way.
To some this can seem like obvious concepts yet I am shocked at how often simple acts of aftercare are not provided.
In asking for input from others on this subject another theme became apparent. Physical separation from the Top in the days proceeding play can be a contributing factor to drop, and in some case even lead to a feeling of abandonment. This can be an issue for players who are not in a relationship and for those that live a distance apart but come together occasionally. I personally try to combat this with my play partners by doing regular check-ins up to a week after heavy play besides the physical aftercare of providing gentle contact, comfort and food or drink after play. I also let casual play partners know that they can contact me if they have emotional difficulty in the days proceeding play.
@BuchtasticKyle had this to say on the subject;
Sub drop for me is also intertwined from ‘visit drop’ the effect of leaving Roxy after an intense and highly anticipated visit. I’ve experienced some sub drop after our play sessions, but the drop after our dungeon play was definitely more dramatic. I went through the physical drop: becoming chilly to the point of shivering even when fully clothed; being very hungry and wanting physical warmth and comfort from her. As always after a play session (whether I’m topping or bottoming), I want to talk about what happened, what worked, what didn’t. I want reassurance that my performance was pleasing. So I’m a little needy that way.
Roxy is very good with after care. She brought a warm fleecy blanket with us so she could wrap me up in it while I came down off my endorphin/adrenaline high. She brought me water and chocolate and then, when we left, made sure to get me some hot food. She was reassuring, full of praise and love. I returned the favor by lavishing her with praise and gratitude, thanking her for all her hard work and attention.
The act of submitting and dominating is so intense, so outside our normal day to day lives, that it’s hard to pull out of it, you know? I didn’t want to stop being her submissive boy, not for hours after that. I wanted to go on getting all that attention and love. Pulling out of that and having to get back to the day to day responsibilities and pulls on her attention and mine is hard for both of us.
That’s the hardest drop for us, pulling out of that intense time together and having to give time and attention to all the other segments of our lives. Accepting that I can’t be the center of her universe all the time.
Then the question is; Do Top/Dominants/Sadist experience the same sort of psychological drop, and why?
From the standpoint of a Dominant Sadist I can tell you the answer to the first is most certainly yes. I experience a high during and immediately after play that can feel as if my body and mind are buzzing. I am hyper alert and vigilant. I can explain some of the emotional upheaval I go through during play but not all of it. For me to let the monster of sadism out of the cage and keep control of it takes a concentration that is intense and while dominance is more fluid for me it requires personal control as well. If I were to simply let the Dominant and Sadist that is inside me out the results would often be disastrous for play with all but the most hardened masochist. That is not how I play. I like to think that I adjust my play to mesh with the partner I am playing with and that requires not only that I constantly check myself but that I take my responsibility to look out for my partners physical and emotional safety seriously. This creates a heady mix of excitement and thrill. After play is when my needs become evident. Aftercare is what I need. Not to receive it but to provide it. I need to reconnect with my humanity, to show myself that I am still capable of compassion and tenderness. The more intense the play, the more I need it. I am curious about how I would handle being refused the opportunity to provide it.
@LeighJ says “I usually bring up aftercare as a specific item. What do they need, how do they come down and similar issues are discussed.” This is a great idea in my estimation and would protect against mismatched expectations. He also suggested “While preparing for a scene I go through my “toys”, my emergency gear and prepare for aftercare. Preparing for aftercare can make a big difference.” But the observation he makes that I find brilliant is “A scene that goes well is easy to provide aftercare… but dealing with a scene gone bad it’s often easy to forget that in spite of the issue, aftercare may been needed even more as the bottom may feel even more insecure and vulnerable as they have “failed”. In addition the Top may be angry and hurt they have also “failed”. “
Now I have more than once heard of bottoms that do not require or desire aftercare. And I have occasionally been told of Tops who do not provide it. So I asked for input from folks who share these points of views. While these are not the ways I play I have no criticism of these practices as long as they work for all involved.
I was contacted by someone who wrote;
When I used to bottom, (publicly) I never required aftercare other than having some water or having my wounds tended to (the ones I couldn’t reach).
She also said;
I was a heavy bottom and always was able to take a moment and compose myself and get up on my own for the most part. I do remember a few occasions I was light headed from the position I was in (head down) and needed to sit a bit, but that was about it. I was not interested in having someone hover over me. Did I want them to walk away until I was completely dressed? No. But they did not need to sit and pet my hair and tell me how fabulous I was.
Privately, the scene usually ended in some sort of sexual act that included penetration. I got to lie around afterward for a bit, so perhaps that was my aftercare.
Now what I found very fascinating is that there seemed to be a consensus from both Pro FemDommes and non-Pro that male bottom/subs do not require the same level of aftercare or any at all. This is fascinating to me and I do not even have a theory as to why. I do wonder if maybe FemDommes are less interested in providing aftercare.
A FemDomme had this to say;
Call it stereotypical but I really would consider that man a sissy and not want to play with him again. Do I make sure he can stand up, get him water, help him dress, clean his wounds, check in the next day? Of course, If there is bleeding involved (i.e. genital piercings) I definitely am paying attention to him until the bleeding stops. But most of the time that man has gotten up, gotten dressed, sanitized the play equipment, cleaned the play area and is possibly rubbing my feet. Depending on the man I will allow him to sit with me or at my feet while I pet his head. When I play with women I adjust accordingly, but I am not hovering over them as if they had just given birth. Women are softer and prettier so I am more inclined to allow them to “cuddle” with me afterward, publicly or privately.
In general, I play safe and consider aftercare part of the protocol of maintaining health and safety. The faster it can be done, the better.
She added this caveat;
The above, of course, does not include psychological play, which I feel is more of a danger and in definite need of aftercare. I talk with the person after the scene and watch/listen to them before, during and after. I am in touch with them the next day and am open to communication whenever they want. Psychological play is not for the faint of heart.
What is very clear is that aftercare is very personal to each person and partnership and while dealing with drop is also handled differently by everyone, I believe on some level it is experienced by most players.
I asked @Mollena to contribute to this discussion and while she likely had no time to be writing her own blog much less mine, her contribution is so brilliant I feel I must include it all;
Not having a partner means that, when and if I do play, I’m playing with someone I don’t see very often. Mostly at conventions, etc. In these situations, often people have multiple playdates lined-up, aftercare can be negligible in the rush and flurry of running to the next scene or back to your room and your bedmate. As a service-oriented person, not being able to bond in the way I’d prefer is a challenge in aftercare, and can contribute to feeling a bit low.
Last year I started travelling with a lovely box of truffles. I made sure that they were either super fancy, or a brand unique to San Francisco. I would pack these into my luggage when I traveled to leather conventions, and offer them as aftercare when I was bottoming to someone. I quickly discovered that this was not only appreciated by the tops with whom I played, they were very often quite touched and it provided an opportunity to linger, even for a few moments more, both enjoying a sensual treat of smooth delicious sweetness. In the one instance where I was playing with a friend who didn’t do sweets, I picked up a pack of beef jerky in order to provide the little post scene boost.
I am more proactive, these days, in getting my needs met. Once I have played, I am sometimes energized but often quite drained. I will sometimes make arrangements, depending on the partner, to have the “tuck me in.” for me, this means t walk back to my room, a little hanging out time, and me having the room to go to ground with them around. A small thing, really. However, it helps me to feel closure and resolution in these scene, and I will attest to a greatly reduced instance of “scene drop” when I have this small ritual in place.
When I am going into a scene, in the instance where I am doing casual play, I try to meditate on keeping myself safe, whole and grounded. This type of play isn’t about “losing myself” or permitting myself to fall out of my body. I can’t afford that with a casual scene. Mind you, it DOES HAPPEN, rarely, despite my best efforts. However, going into the scene, I will let the top know where I am emotionally, a couple sentences on where I might like to go, and how comfortable I am with being pushed. That gives them an idea, too, of how far THEY wish to go. Minimizing drop post-scene can be addressed by setting the height of the diving board before you jump into the deep waters of BDSM play. And if I DO start feeling wonky, I will contact the top and let them know. Sometimes, the act of sharing and receiving feedback can help a lot. If I don’t have access to the person with whom I played, I certainly have friend with whom I may commiserate, who will remind me that this isn’t unusual, that this too shall pass, and that I WILL be OK.
I hope this post will prompt discussion which will like all discussions in this lifestyle generate awareness and education for those who need it most.
