Compersion, It’s What’s For Dinner
I sit here this morning watching the love of my life get ready for a breakfast date. She is getting ready to go have a meal with a friend, but it is more than that. She will be negotiating the next play date she will have with him. She will laugh at his jokes and touch him lightly on the arm, she will kiss him to greet him and make sure he has the view he has come to love, and when she catches him looking it will make her smile and feel sexy and desirable.
I sit here happy. I am happy that she will get to experience the rush of having someone treat her like a Queen. I am happy she will enjoy his company and conversation. But most of all I am happy that she knows I am happy for her.
When we first started exploring Polyamory I wondered if I would ever be able to bear knowing that someone else was making her feel good. Could I overcome jealousy enough to tolerate her being thrilled by the touch of another person? What I discovered with time was so much more than I expected. Not only could I tolerate it, but I could enjoy it, revel in it, and receive satisfaction from it.
What was this emotion I would feel when I would see her light up from someone else’s attention?
In the 1970’s and through the very early nineties there was a social experiment in San Francisco called the Kerista Commune. My understanding is that many social issues were tested; however the most interesting to me was Polyamory. The folks at Kerista coined a word; Compersion. The act of taking pleasure from knowing someone you love is receiving pleasure from another.
This is not cuckolding. In fact it is quite the opposite. Part of what makes this aspect of Poly so easy for me is knowing that it takes nothing away from me. That is right, I lose nothing. Jewelgen will not treat me with any less regard than before. She will return from her date genuinely happy to see me and with every bit as much desire as before.
We are brought up to believe that Love is an economy of subtraction. That if the person who loves me loves another love will be taken from me. This is not that case in a relationship that uses constant communication. In The Ethical Slut there was an illustration that really drove this home for Jewelgen and I. As a parent you do not love your first child any less when another is born. Your love is not a cup that can be drained when giving to more than one. This really put the idea of compersion in perspective for us.
Applying this to our D/s desires in making playdates was a whole new test of the idea of compersion to me. Jewelgen and I had been co-topping a submissive couple for a while and I had adjusted to the idea of her playing solo . . . As a Domme. While Jewelgen and I are equals in every way for the partnership that is our marriage, but in Play our roles are me Dominating her. The idea of someone else Dominating her made me very uneasy. We were playing the “What if” game on the way to San Francisco for a munch one weekend and Jewelgen broached the subject of her being dominated by someone else. I told her right away that this made me very uneasy and for now I would not be OK with it. Jewelgen said she understood and did not mention it again.
Over the next few days I did what I often do and ruminated over the conversation. I became more and more uncomfortable with my answer, and I knew why but I could not get past the idea of her submitting to another male and that bothered me even more. Why was it OK in my mind for her to submit to a female and not a male? This tormented me, I do not like feeling that I have old thoughts of sexual distinction between genders. However at that point I could not get past it and I trusted that Jewelgen was OK with my decision.
I was thinking over the state of our journey one day about a month later and could not escape the nagging feeling that I needed to work through my block against Jewelgen playing with a dominant male. So I broke it down. I worked through it like I usually do difficult things. I created a scenario in my head and played it like a movie, trying to fill in every detail as explicitly as possible and then looking for bad reactions on my part. It may sound odd but it can be a very effective way for me to find the root of negative feelings. I soon came to the conclusion that it was not the idea of her submitting to someone that bothered me, but the feeling of helplessness if something went badly for her. I have long enjoyed the position of protector, over my wife and children, and anyone else that would accept that from me. Jewelgen would be in a vulnerable situation that I could not control. That was it; I would be giving up control for her to look after herself. As soon as I realized this and accepted that she was very capable for looking after her own well being I was able to put my concerns to rest.
I told Jewelgen that I no longer had a problem with her submitting to a male partner and immediately I was filled with a delight that she would be able to experience this with someone else.
