Saynine

Reblog – Who Defines Your D/s?

The following is an excerpt from a fantastic new post from my submissive, @Winsome_Gypsy on who has a right to define the nature of your D/s (Dominant and submissive) relationship.

 

 

Recently I’ve seen people on multiple forums, including FetLife, Twitter, blogs, issuing proclamations regarding what qualifies a D/s relationship. How the D should manage the s. How the s should communicate with the D. Outright notices issued that if the s does not follow protocol 1, 2, and 3, they are not a true s. Declarations that a slave is better or more valuable than a submissive and that a switch is a joke.

To this, I have two things to say:

1. Get over yourself, and
2. Mind your own business.

My D/s relationship is defined solely by the D and the s directly involved in the relationship.

To read the rest of this great post on who has a right to define the nature of your D/s relationship click here.

Tags: BDSM, Dominant, Poly, Polyamory, submissive

The Love Bite – Dominance And Submission

I want to share with you a fantastic Podcast on the subject of Dominance and Submission that I recently listened to from @SmitefulSinner and @Novice_Nancy

You can also find it by searching for “The Love Bites” EP. 7  in ITunes Podcasts.

 Episode 7 – The Love Bite – Dominance And Submission

 

Tags: BDSM, Canes, Dominant, Domme, FistDeep, Fisting, Journey, Play, Podcast, Submission, submissive

I Am A Predator.

I am a predator. Beware. I come not with a sneak attack, but with fangs bare. I come to seduce you then hurt you and fuck you. I come for your women, and in fact your men, and anyone else capable of consent. This is who I am and what I do.

Are you villagers lighting the torches yet?

This has been on my mind for a while but an issue brought up originally by @Tutivillus, and then beautifully expounded on by Remittancegirl, got me thinking deeper. And finally the comment section pushed me over the edge.

There are certainly unethical players in the world of kink, just as there are in the vanilla world. And this comes from both sides of the D/s or S/m isle as far as I am concerned.

This idea that every new submissive female that comes into the hunting ground of Dominant males is a helpless doe that must be protected by the herd from these beasts is fucking ridiculous. Most if not all are here to be found. Have we forgotten what kink is?

I am not talking about deception. I am talking about good old “You got what I want, you want to share”. What a disservice to these new folks to say that they are so week minded that they must be protected from their own desires. I have seen several times, Dominant males who approach submissives to start conversation and seek out shared attraction get labeled as “predators”. And frankly it angers me.

There is absolutely nothing unethical about approaching someone to simply flirt, or to make a direct approach regarding desire. We are adults. We all have the ability to say “Sorry I am not interested”. Anything after that is unethical and a separate issue entirely.

Equally appalling are the whispered warnings at kink events, especially munches. “Oh, watch out for him, he will try to get you to play right away”. Can you imagine hearing “Oh, watch out for that one, she known exactly what she wants, and she wants you to do it to her”?

I am going to only warn you once more. I am Kinky, I am Dominant, I do horrible things to tender prey like you. I am a Predator. And I am taking back that word.

Tags: BDSM, Consent, Dominant, Pansexual, Predator, Sex, submissive

Shiny Pretty Relationships

Driving home from a fun day in the city with my wife yesterday we had a fantastic conversation about polyamory, and our relationship. So often in our journey of poly and kink, these hour-plus trips home from San Francisco after a kink event have provided a great time to reconnect and talk. This time was no different and during this conversation some thoughts jelled for me that have been bouncing around in my head for a while regarding poly relationships.

Now I am aware that for some folks referencing “primary” and “secondary” relationships in polyamory creates a sort of subdivide that makes them uncomfortable, However for the purpose of this discussion I think this distinction is necessary. With my wife and myself, we have been together for over two decades. We have children and our relationship has endured trials that have put our commitment to the test. We are in a triad with someone who not only lives with us, but we love dearly.

For the purpose of this look at poly I am going to use my relationship with my wife as an example of a primary relationship, and secondary relationships are our semi-regular play partners and D/s relationships. But I think it would apply to any relationship that is comparatively newer, or separated by time and distance.

Among practitioners of polyamory and some kink, a term is used to describe the nature of the earliest portion of a relationship. This term is “New Relationship Energy” or NRE. Now more often than not I have heard this term used in a manner of derision, i.e. “Ugh, those two are like teenagers, but once that NRE fades it wont last”. Now I can be a hell of a cynic but even I find how common this sort of analysis occurs disturbing.

NRE is a real thing; it is that “I can’t wait to see you again” feeling of euphoria that is very common at the beginning of a relationship. This is the feeling that some folks seek so strongly that they never learn how to make a relationship of any kind last. I do not think that in itself makes NRE a bad thing. In fact I think it is something that can be celebrated. What is not OK is to allow this to overshadow your other relationships or cloud your judgment. I will confess that some of the biggest mistakes I have made in poly have been associated with letting myself get caught up in NRE.

But what has really been on my mind lately is the difference in the nature of who folks in secondary relationships see, compared to who our primary partners see.

We of course put our best face forward to those we are trying to woo, this is the very nature of humans. We constantly reinvent ourselves to the outside world. We show the parts of us we want to show, those parts that we believe will impress potential new partners. I don’t mean this is lying or deceit. It simply is what we do. What our new or secondary partners most often don’t see is us at our worst.

Our primary partners get to see us when we are sick, grumpy, depressed. They see us warts and all. And they love us. This in itself is beyond amazing, but they do. They also share many of the most difficult parts of our lives. If you have children with your partner then you have seen each other sleep deprived to the point of near insanity. You have had heated discussions about schools and discipline of your children. You have also possibly experienced financially difficulty at some point, and your primary partner was right there by your side. You’ve laughed with them, you’ve cried with them, and if you are me you have thrown up on them in a restaurant. Yet they still love us.

Now this is the part where I take an unexpected turn. And this is the conclusion my wife and reached on our drive home. All of these differences are a good thing. That is right! It neither detracts from the nature of primary relationships or secondary relationships. In fact this may be one of the fabulous things about polyamory. In the words of my wife “In some ways when I am with someone else, it is a vacation. I don’t have to be wife, or mother. I get to be fun and sexy in a completely different way.” Again, I want to reiterate, this is not deceitful, we are just able to shed some of the things that drag us down in the drudgery of life.

Of course as secondary relationships develop these lines become less and less defined. And it as this transition that as NRE fades and deeper bonds form that we can truly experiences the broader nature of a personal relationship. But don’t be in a hurry to discount the benefits of NRE and the benefits of separate relationships.

 

 

Tags: Date, New Relationship Energy, NRE, Poly, Polyamory, Primary, Relationship, Secondary, Sex

Sub-Space, Wish You Were Here

I recently put out to the twitter world that I was looking for questions. I have decided to write and post more often and I am often asked questions in Private Messages, so this seemed to be a perfect opportunity to generate inspiration. So I asked, and not 30 seconds later there it was staring at me.

Can you define “subspace” in your blog? I have an idea what it is but have never experienced it.

Ugh, no seriously. There is almost no way to answer this question that will not almost certainly piss someone off, or generate a storm of criticism. So right off the bat I am going to address why I have no business answering this question, and then in very typical style for me, do it anyways.

I am neither a sub, nor a switch, nor even a bottom, thus I cannot possibly form an informed position or opinion on what sub-space (or as some folks insist “bottom-space”) is. I learned this lesson when my ass was handed to me because I made the mistake of commenting on the fact that vibrators may affect female orgasm over time. The League of Sex Blogging Authority told me in very certain terms, that since I was lacking a clitoris, I had no business discussing this subject at all. . . . .  No I lied; I learned no lesson at all.

The second problem is that it is nearly impossible to find two people who agree on what sub-space is, or how it is achieved. So as in the previously mentioned controversy I intend to use information I have gathered from my direct observation, anecdotal information, and the direct assistance from some friends who are more qualified to comment as they have in fact achieved this mysterious state of being.

The “sub-space” vs. “bottom-space” question apparently revolves around the question of whether a person can achieve this state only through physical pain, which generates mind-altering chemicals, or if actions of submission can generate the same response. Of course this is only conjecture. It would seem that our brain would create these altered states as a form of protection, to blunt the impact of difficult circumstance. Now as I discussed in a previous post, I am convinced that submitting and receiving pain in a consensual situation are not all that different. I think they are both struggles against what can be thought of as situations that humans don’t normally experience. So as an extension of this argument, why wouldn’t the human mind have the capability to generate a protective response in a situation of having ones control of their environment and even actions removed? So In my rarely humble opinion, this argument is best left for folks who are far more concerned with such hair splitting than me.

So what does sub-space feel like? I asked my friend kitty (@The_Sub_Mission) for help with this.

Subspace for me, is a very deep, relaxed state that feels almost trance like. When I am in subspace, I tend to talk in third person. “Kitty will get that for you, Master.” I am very driven by direct orders, and have a hard time thinking for myself. Responding to anything besides direct “Yes Master” or “Right away Master” becomes difficult. Words escape me, and I have a hard time remembering them. Truthfully, when I get so deep that talking becomes difficult, Master will pull me out a little bit until I am able to speak a bit better. This always makes me a bit cranky. While I don’t snap or anything on the outside, the little voice inside my head is always upset when Master does this. Subspace is very pleasant for me, and getting pulled out is not fun.

Kitty also added;

I have found that the quickest ways for me to achieve subspace is when Master either deprives me of one or more senses (vision, touch, etc), or having a very high protocol scene. The more rules that are implemented in either our play, or our daily lives, the quicker I will reach subspace.

I do not reach subspace every time we play, and subspace is not usually the goal of play.

Her latter statements clearly indicate that kitty, can reach sub-space through non-pain oriented play.

As a Dom/Sadist/Top, I find that sub-space can be a double-edged sword. Sub-space can be delicious to induce. Like orgasm it can be used as a signpost that what you are doing is working. Many sub/bottom play partners also desire it. The down side is that it shifts even more of the responsibility for the physical and mental safety of the bottom to the Top. In this state the bottom often cannot judge their own physical state. As kitty mentioned, it is sometimes necessary for her Master to pull her out a bit. I have been in the situation where I felt it was necessary to dial play back a bit, or take a break due to a deepening sub-space.

There is an anecdote that has long stuck with me. It was related to me by the Master of a slave that was known for her very rapid decent into a deep sub-space. A gangbang situation had been negotiated and the slave desired this. During the course of initial play she quickly achieved a very deep sub-space. This was not unexpected and the gang-play proceeded. Sometime during penetration she came out of space for unspecified reasons and was agitated that she was being penetrated by someone other that her Master. Now this is obviously an extreme and cautionary tale, however it does serve to underscore the consideration that must be given by the partners of anyone prone to descending this far in altered consciousness during play. It is not at all uncommon for a bottom to not be able to form the decision necessary to use a safeword during intense play induced space.

I have never heard a sub/bottom complain about entering or experiencing altered space, and in fact I have often heard it described as similar to the euphoria of post-orgasmic haze. I can say that if it is anything like the pleasure I experience while in a Top-driven space, then it is likely semi-addictive.

I think it is very likely that like so many parts of the human pleasure spectrum sub-space is different for each person who experiences it. And that I am quite confident I do in fact have the knowledge on which to base my comments.

 

 

 

Tags: BDSM, bottom, pain, Play, submissive, subspace, Top, Training